SNL Transcripts: Fred Willard: 10/14/78: Five A.M.



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 2







78b: Fred Willard / Devo

Five A.M.

Mary…..Laraine Newman
Guy…..Fred Willard

[ open on interior, apartment, night ]

[ cue ringing telephone at nightstand ]

[ Mary groggily reaches out to answer the telephone ]

Mary: Hello? … Is who here? … David? No, David is not here, David does not live here any more. [ she looks at the clock ] It’s five o’clock in the morning! … Well, you SHOULD be! You sound very loaded. … Who is this? … Yes, I’m sure you’re a friend of David’s, but he’s NOT here! … Alright, alright… [ she reaches over to turn on a lamp and fumble for an address book. The man lying next to her wakes up with mild curiosity in his sleepy eyes ] Okay, I got the number. … The last number I have for him is 5-5-5-7-0-9-8. [ she hangs up ] Goodbye, and you’re welcome.

Guy: Everything okay?

Mary: Yeah. It was just some woman calling for the number of a guy who used to live here.

Guy: Ah.

Mary: Boy, was she drunk.

Guy: Hmm…

Mary: I probably shouldn’t have given her the number. He could at least tell his girlfriends not to call here.

Guy: Yeah… I guess he could. [ he rolls over ]

Mary: We were together for two years.

Guy: Mmm.

Mary: I don’t know what happened, I guess it just wasn’t happening.

Guy: Well, that happens. [ he rolls back over ]

Mary: The main thing was… that we had conflicting careers: I worked, and he didn’t. And then one night, I threw a clock-radio at his head, and things were never quite the same. You know?

Guy: Oh. [ he leans upward ] Listen… tonight was really special for me. You know? And, uh… uh… [ thinking ]

Mary: Mary.

Guy: Mary. It was — really — it was really special. Uh — anyway, I gotta get home and change my clothes before I go to work in the morning, anyway, so maybe I should be rolling along…

Mary: [ as she lights a cigarette ] No, it’s okay. Stay.

Guy: You’re sure it’s okay?

Mary: Sure. [ the telephone rings ] Ohhh… [ she answers the telephone ] Hello! … Oh, hello, David. … YES, I gave it to her! … Well, how did she get THIS number?! … David, don’t start with me! What do you think I am, your answering service? I really need your drunk bimbos calling me at five in the morning, and I really need you calling me after three months just to give me grief!

Guy: Look, uh… I think I’ll be going…

Mary: No, it’s okay. Stay. Get some sleep. [ into the telephone ] LIKE HELL, I DID!! YOU WALKED OUT ON ME!! … Well, it’s NOT the way I saw it! … [ casually ] Do you have a cold, or something? Are you taking care of yourself? [ she giggles ] Wha-a-at?! Wha-a-at?

Guy: Maybe I’ll run along…

Mary: [ whispering ] No. Stay. [ into the telephone ] No, there’s no one here. [ she puts a silent finger to her lips ]

Guy: I’ll go.

Mary: [ waving for the guy to stay, as she continues her conversation ] Never mind what I’m wearing. … Well, I’d like to see you sometime. … No, I’ve only been going out with creeps.

Guy: [ his tail practically between his legs ] Look… I’d better go.

Mary: [ shaking her head no ] No! [ into the telephone ] What? … No, now, I can’t. No. I really can’t now. [ she giggles ] Stop it!

Guy: Yeah. I — I think I will. I’m gonna go. [ he sits up and begins to put his socks back on ]

Mary: It’s up to you. [ into the telephone ] Alright, how soon can you be here?

Guy: Have you seen my other shoe?

Mary: [ into the telephone ] Better make it twenty. … Alright, I’ll see you then. … I love you, too. [ she hangs up ]

Guy: [ as he pulls up his pants ] Here it is. I found my other shoe.

Mary: Oh, yeah. Uh — your coat’s over there on the chair.

Guy: O-kay. I’ll be out in just a minute.

[ as she rubs lotion on her hands ] Mary: It’s been lovely meeting you.

Guy: Thanks. [ he grabs his shirt ] Listen, I had a great time.

Mary: Oh, really? I’m glad.

Guy: [ desperately ] You look great.

Mary: Thank you!

Guy: [ as he puts on his t-shirt ] Look — maybe we could, uh — you know — sometime, again…

Mary: [ as she brushes her hair ] Uh, yeah — maybe.

Guy: [ as he puts on his jacket ] Well… as I said, I had a real nice time.

Mary: Oh, good, I’m glad. Listen… take care, and good luck. Bye. [ she kisses his cheek ]

Guy: Bye. [ heapproaches the door, then glances at a pizza box on the chair ] Oh, gee… I hate to even mention it, but… you know, I only deliver this stuff.

Mary: Ohhh, of course. I’m sorry. How much was that?

Guy: Well… for the mushroom and pepperoni, $4.95. THe Cokes were a dollar-twenty. So, you got, what, about six dollars and fifteen cents.

Mary: Soooo, with a tip, that’s what?

Guy: Uhhh…

Mary: $7.50?

Guy: Ah, what the heck! Forget it! The treat’s on me!

Mary: Oh. Thank you.

Guy: It’s nothing! [ he crumbles the receipt ] Okay. [ he exits the room, then peeks back in ] Listen: if you ever need home delivery again, the number’s on the box. [ no response, so he quietly exits for good ]

[ pull out to wide shot of set ]

[ SUPER: “coming up next… Jacques Brel — still in Paris, not at all well” ]

[ fade ]

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