SNL Transcripts: Fred Willard: 10/14/78: Five A.M.


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 2

78b: Fred Willard / Devo

Five A.M.

Mary…..Laraine Newman
Guy…..Fred Willard

[ open on interior, apartment, night ] [ cue ringing telephone at nightstand ] [ Mary groggily reaches out to answer the telephone ]

Mary: Hello? … Is who here? … David? No, David is not here, David does not live here any more. [ she looks at the clock ] It’s five o’clock in the morning! … Well, you SHOULD be! You sound very loaded. … Who is this? … Yes, I’m sure you’re a friend of David’s, but he’s NOT here! … Alright, alright… [ she reaches over to turn on a lamp and fumble for an address book. The man lying next to her wakes up with mild curiosity in his sleepy eyes ] Okay, I got the number. … The last number I have for him is 5-5-5-7-0-9-8. [ she hangs up ] Goodbye, and you’re welcome.

Guy: Everything okay?

Mary: Yeah. It was just some woman calling for the number of a guy who used to live here.

Guy: Ah.

Mary: Boy, was she drunk.

Guy: Hmm…

Mary: I probably shouldn’t have given her the number. He could at least tell his girlfriends not to call here.

Guy: Yeah… I guess he could. [ he rolls over ]

Mary: We were together for two years.

Guy: Mmm.

Mary: I don’t know what happened, I guess it just wasn’t happening.

Guy: Well, that happens. [ he rolls back over ]

Mary: The main thing was… that we had conflicting careers: I worked, and he didn’t. And then one night, I threw a clock-radio at his head, and things were never quite the same. You know?

Guy: Oh. [ he leans upward ] Listen… tonight was really special for me. You know? And, uh… uh… [ thinking ]

Mary: Mary.

Guy: Mary. It was — really — it was really special. Uh — anyway, I gotta get home and change my clothes before I go to work in the morning, anyway, so maybe I should be rolling along…

Mary: [ as she lights a cigarette ] No, it’s okay. Stay.

Guy: You’re sure it’s okay?

Mary: Sure. [ the telephone rings ] Ohhh… [ she answers the telephone ] Hello! … Oh, hello, David. … YES, I gave it to her! … Well, how did she get THIS number?! … David, don’t start with me! What do you think I am, your answering service? I really need your drunk bimbos calling me at five in the morning, and I really need you calling me after three months just to give me grief!

Guy: Look, uh… I think I’ll be going…

Mary: No, it’s okay. Stay. Get some sleep. [ into the telephone ] LIKE HELL, I DID!! YOU WALKED OUT ON ME!! … Well, it’s NOT the way I saw it! … [ casually ] Do you have a cold, or something? Are you taking care of yourself? [ she giggles ] Wha-a-at?! Wha-a-at?

Guy: Maybe I’ll run along…

Mary: [ whispering ] No. Stay. [ into the telephone ] No, there’s no one here. [ she puts a silent finger to her lips ]

Guy: I’ll go.

Mary: [ waving for the guy to stay, as she continues her conversation ] Never mind what I’m wearing. … Well, I’d like to see you sometime. … No, I’ve only been going out with creeps.

Guy: [ his tail practically between his legs ] Look… I’d better go.

Mary: [ shaking her head no ] No! [ into the telephone ] What? … No, now, I can’t. No. I really can’t now. [ she giggles ] Stop it!

Guy: Yeah. I — I think I will. I’m gonna go. [ he sits up and begins to put his socks back on ]

Mary: It’s up to you. [ into the telephone ] Alright, how soon can you be here?

Guy: Have you seen my other shoe?

Mary: [ into the telephone ] Better make it twenty. … Alright, I’ll see you then. … I love you, too. [ she hangs up ]

Guy: [ as he pulls up his pants ] Here it is. I found my other shoe.

Mary: Oh, yeah. Uh — your coat’s over there on the chair.

Guy: O-kay. I’ll be out in just a minute.

[ as she rubs lotion on her hands ] Mary: It’s been lovely meeting you.

Guy: Thanks. [ he grabs his shirt ] Listen, I had a great time.

Mary: Oh, really? I’m glad.

Guy: [ desperately ] You look great.

Mary: Thank you!

Guy: [ as he puts on his t-shirt ] Look — maybe we could, uh — you know — sometime, again…

Mary: [ as she brushes her hair ] Uh, yeah — maybe.

Guy: [ as he puts on his jacket ] Well… as I said, I had a real nice time.

Mary: Oh, good, I’m glad. Listen… take care, and good luck. Bye. [ she kisses his cheek ]

Guy: Bye. [ heapproaches the door, then glances at a pizza box on the chair ] Oh, gee… I hate to even mention it, but… you know, I only deliver this stuff.

Mary: Ohhh, of course. I’m sorry. How much was that?

Guy: Well… for the mushroom and pepperoni, $4.95. THe Cokes were a dollar-twenty. So, you got, what, about six dollars and fifteen cents.

Mary: Soooo, with a tip, that’s what?

Guy: Uhhh…

Mary: $7.50?

Guy: Ah, what the heck! Forget it! The treat’s on me!

Mary: Oh. Thank you.

Guy: It’s nothing! [ he crumbles the receipt ] Okay. [ he exits the room, then peeks back in ] Listen: if you ever need home delivery again, the number’s on the box. [ no response, so he quietly exits for good ] [ pull out to wide shot of set ] [ SUPER: “coming up next… Jacques Brel — still in Paris, not at all well” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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