SNL Transcripts: Fred Willard: 10/14/78: Mr. Bill Goes To New York


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 2

78b: Fred Willard / Devo

Mr. Bill Goes To New York

Mr. Hands: Hey kids it’s time for the Mr. Bill show!

(Curtain rises to show Mr. Bill holding a NYC pennant.)

Mr. Bill: Ho ho kiddies Yay! Oh we’re going to have a great time today because we’re moving to New York City yay! And here’s our tour guide Mr. Hands yay!

Mr. Hands: (Holding a New York-English Dictionary) Hey Mr. Bill. Are you all ready for the Big Apple?

Mr. Bill: Oh I sure am Mr. Hands and say can you take me to the Statue Of Liberty huh?

Mr. Hands: Sure but first let’s take a subway ride to your best friend, Mr. Sluggo’s house. (Places Mr. Bill in the doorway in the train car)

Mr. Bill: Oh Mr. Hands but you know I’d rather see the Statue of– (The door closes on Mr. Bill’s arm.) Noooooooooooo! (and takes off)

(Cut to a street.)

Mr. Hands: Well here we are in beautiful downtown Manhattan. And guess who’s coming to visit?

Mr. Bill: Who’s that huh?

Mr. Hands: (Sings) “Here comes Mr. Bill’s dog.” (Molds Spot into shape)

Mr. Bill: Yay it’s my dog Spot. How are you doing Spot huh? (Sluggo appears) Oh no! That Mr. Sluggo is going to be mean to me!

Mr. Hands: No he just says Spot has to go.

Mr. Bill: Go where huh? (Sees a sign that says “Leash, Gutter up and clean up after your dog. Please” and laughs. Spot is placed on the curb of the street.) Oh sure sure! I’m sure glad you don’t do it on the rug anymore. Ha ha ha ha ha! (A passing car comes along and flattens Spot.) No no wait no wait! No! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: (Picking Spot up with clamps.) The new law says you have to clean up after your dog.

Mr. Bill: Oh why why!

(Cut to inside a taxi cab)

Mr. Hands: Now for some shopping at the famous Macy’s department store! (He takes Mr. Bill inside and they go on the escaltor)

Mr. Bill: Yay! Say can you buy me some new clothes?

Mr. Hands: Sure! Let’s ride the escalator. And maybe we’ll pick you up a new pair of shoes. Huh?

Mr. Bill: No but you know I don’t ride the escalator too well Mr. Hands (Mr. Hands holds Mr. Bill and up at the top the escalator seperates Mr. Bill’s feet from him.) No wait no! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: Now for a visit to the top of the Empire State Building.

Mr. Bill: But you know I’m afraid of heights.

Mr. Hands: (Places Mr. Bill closer to the edge of the building.) Let’s get a little more closer for a more spectacular view.

Mr. Bill: No! No! No! No! (Mr. Hands drops Mr. Bill all the way down the ESB where he lands on top of a cab.)Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Mr. Hands: So until next week kids, Mr. Bill says so long! Hope you’ve had a great time. See you next show when Mr. Bill moves into his new apartment. Bye bye!

[ dissolve to audience shot, with SUPER: “did you know… that the original title of Shakespeare’s “Taming of the Shrew” was “Get Christie Love” “]

Submitted by: Nick Johnson

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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