SNL Transcripts: Fred Willard: 10/14/78: The Scotch Boutique


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 2

78b: Fred Willard / Devo

The Scotch Boutique

Jenny … Gilda Radner
Floyd Hunger … Dan Aykroyd
Walker … Fred Willard
1st Woman … Jane Curtin
Kevin … John Belushi
1st Man … Garrett Morris
2nd Man … Bill Murray
2nd Woman … Laraine Newman

[Image of the interior of a large shopping mall. Weslowly zoom in on one of the stores which has agraphic of a Scotch tape dispenser above the door.Dissolve to the interior of the store where agray-suited man hurriedly enters to be greeted byJenny the cashier who polishes a tape dispenser andplaces it on a display rack.]

Jenny: [cheerfully] Welcome to Scotch Boutique! Can Ihelp you?

Floyd Hunger: I sure hope so. I’m Floyd Hunger fromnext door, uh, Hunger’s Men’s Shop. I hate to say it,we blew a fuse in the stock room. I can’t believe it,I’m all out, you know, and I wondered if you had anextra one.

[Elsewhere in the store (which sells nothing butScotch tape — dispensers line the walls andcountertops), we see Mr. Walker, the pipe smokingstore owner, who wears a red plaid vest which matchesthe Scotch plaid wallpaper. Also visible is Kevin thestock boy who sits on a stool in the rear, reading acomic book.]

Walker: [very pleasant] Sure. I always keep an extraone. You never can tell. [Walker searches under thestore’s copy machine for a fuse.]

Floyd Hunger: Oh, great, great. Hey, listen, I’m sorryI haven’t had a chance to come by and, uh, you know,say hello and everything. Uh, you just moved in butwe’ve been real busy.

Walker: Mm hm. Thirty amp, okay? [offers a new fuse]

Floyd Hunger: [takes the new fuse] Oh, yeah. Just whatI need. [compares the new fuse to the burnt out one inhis hand] Fact, it’s even my brand. [he and Walkershare a laugh] Thanks a lot. [moves to Jenny thecashier and pays for the fuse]

Walker: No, no, no, no. That’s okay. That’s okay. Iwon’t hear of it, no. [takes money from Jenny andreturns it to Floyd]

Floyd Hunger: Oh, gee, well, thanks. That’s sure niceo’ ya. Listen, if ever I can return the favor, I’mright down the mall here, next door.

Walker: How’s business for you? Good, eh?

Floyd Hunger: [enthusiastic] Aw, it’s terrific! Thismall’s a great location, you know. They did a goodmarket survey on it. We’ve been doing really, really,um– [suddenly notices Walker and Jenny look downcast]really, well, you know. [tries to be reassuring] It -it’s gonna pick up, this business’ll pick up.

Jenny: [tries to look on the bright side] Ah, we -we’ve only been here for two months and it’s, uh, justgonna take us a little longer to get established.

Walker: [lighting his pipe] Yeah, you know, whenyou’re working with a brand new, fresh idea, it’salways a little harder. You know, um, most people areused to buying their – their tape when they go to thesupermarket or drug store, you know. What we’ve got todo is turn their thinking around so they make aspecial trip down here to the Scotch Boutique whenthey want, uh, tape.

Floyd Hunger: Uh, look, uh, you know, you’ve probablythought of this but have you ever considered adding,uh, other prod– you know, products like, uh, paperclips, uh, stationery, you know, things like that?

Walker: Well, as a matter of fact, we just put in thiscopy machine. It was Jenny’s idea. Did you see oursign out front? “Copies – nine cents.”

Floyd Hunger: Hm.

Walker: Aw, we barely break even but, the way I figureit, we’re gonna bring in customers who might buy tape.

Floyd Hunger: Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Well, uh, if ever I needany copying done, I’ll be, uh, be sure to come back.Thanks again, uh– [starts out the door, then stops -decides to do these poor souls a favor] You know,[snaps his fingers] I’d better take a roll o’ tapewith me. I know I’m gonna be needin’ it back there atthe store.

Jenny: [thrilled] Oh, what size would you like?

Floyd Hunger: Well, just – just regular’d be fine.

Jenny: Well, regular width or length? How about athirty-six footer?

Floyd Hunger: Well, sure. Is that the regular kind or, uh …?

Walker: [helpfully, to Jenny] Why don’t you show himthe seventy-two footer? It’s quite a savings.

Floyd Hunger: Uh, it’s – it’s okay. I’m in kind o’ ahurry. I gotta get back to the store so this’ll befine.

Jenny: All right, fine.

[Jenny bags up the tape. Floyd drops a dollar on thecounter and crosses to Walker.]

Floyd Hunger: Uh …

Jenny: [puts bag on the counter] Here you go.

Floyd Hunger: [shakes Walker’s hand] Hey, listen,thanks again for the fuse, really.

Walker: Don’t mention it.

Jenny: [rings up the sale] That’ll be fifty-nine cents– out of one. [hands Floyd his change] There you go.Thanks a lot.

Walker: [to Floyd] If you ever need any more tape orsome copying done, you know where to come.

Floyd Hunger: [reassuringly] Well, when this roll runsout, I’m comin’ right back here.

Jenny: Come again.

Floyd Hunger: Yeah. [exits]

Walker: Kevin, I think we need another fifty-ninecenter up here.

[Walker points with his pipe to an empty spot on thedisplay case that used to hold the tape Floyd justpurchased. Kevin looks up from his comic book, risesfrom his stool, sticks the rolled-up book into theback pocket of his jeans and exits into the stockroom. Walker lights his pipe. A woman enters the storefrom the mall.]

1st Woman: Hi.

Jenny: [cheerfully] Welcome to Scotch Boutique!

Walker: Welcome.

1st Woman: Thank you. Could I get a copy of this,please? [hands Jenny a piece of paper]

Jenny: [takes paper, cheerfully] How many, please?

1st Woman: One.

Jenny: [a little disappointed, hands the paper to Walker] One.

[Walker takes the paper to the copy machine as the woman looks on.]

Walker: Need any tape today?

1st Woman: Uh, not today, thanks.

[Walker starts the copy machine, then looks the woman over.]

Walker: Say, didn’t you come in here about a week agoand buy some tape from us?

1st Woman: Yeah.

Walker: [as much to Jenny as to the woman] Isn’t thatsomething! You were in here before and now you’re backagain!

1st Woman: Right. Yeah.

Walker: How’d that, uh, tape work out? Okay?

1st Woman: Oh! [nods] Oh, good, good. Yeah. Sticks really well.

Walker: Fine.

Jenny: Uh, that’ll be, uh, nine cents, please. [Womantakes copy and original from Walker, gives Jenny adime] Out of ten? Okay. [Jenny rings up the sale andmakes change] Here you go. Thanks a lot.

1st Woman: Thank you. [starts to leave]

Walker: If you need any more copying done or any moretape, you know where to come.

1st Woman: [nods, smiles] Right.

Jenny: Come again.

[The woman exits. Kevin returns from the stock roomwith a roll of tape.]

Kevin: I couldn’t find any more open boxes offifty-nine centers back there in the stock room so I -I – I had to open up a box of one thousand.

Jenny: [distressed] You opened up a box of onethousand? Now, we can’t send it back!

Walker: [for the first time, his pleasantnessevaporates – he seems suddenly defeated] I knew it.[to Jenny] You don’t believe in this place, do ya? Youdon’t believe in me.

Jenny: [tries to be reassuring] Honey, honey, I do. Ido. It’s just that it’s been two months.

Walker: [deeply serious] Listen, a business takes timeto build. It isn’t done overnight. Nobody makes moneytheir first couple of months. I thought you understoodall of that.

Jenny: [horribly conflicted] I do, I do, I do. I – I -I – I – I don’t know. [Two men have entered and standin the doorway – Jenny sees them and becomes instantlycheerful] Oh, welcome to Scotch Boutique!

1st Man: [to Jenny] Um, do you sell any recording tape here?

Jenny: [cheerfully] No, just the sticky kind.

2nd Man: [to the first man] See? I told ya.

[The 2nd Man turns away to keep from laughing outloud. The 1st Man, stunned, smiles broadly and looksaround at the store in amazement. The two men exit.]

Walker: [calls after the men, cheerfully] Next timeyou need the sticky kind, you’ll know where to come![instantly serious, to Jenny] I mean, I thought youunderstood that this was my dream. You said it was agood idea. Do you think in a million years, I’d drawout every last red cent of our – our savings accountand invest it in this business if I thought you didn’tthink it was a good idea?

[A woman enters but, by now, Jenny is too distracted to greet her.]

2nd Woman: Uh, do you have any recording tape?

Walker: [pleasantly] No, just cellophane. The sticky kind. If you need any of the sticky kind, you know where to come!

2nd Woman: Okay, thanks.

Jenny: [weakly] Come again.

[The woman exits. Jenny, on the verge of tears, can’tlook Walker in the eye.]

Walker: Well, I guess that does it. I – I – I can’t goon surrounded by quitters and – and doubters. Callsfor a team effort. … I’ll never forget a story myuncle once told me. My uncle owned a little restaurantin Pennsylvania. It was real famous for a long timefor its chicken salad. [Jenny and Kevin, who sits onhis stool with comic book in hand, listen withinterest] Well, one day, they couldn’t get any chickento put in the salad. So my uncle, what he did, hecalled together the employees. … [Walker pauses tolight his pipe] And he said, “Look, why don’t we putturkey in that salad instead of chicken?” Well, ofcourse, everyone was real nervous at first becausethey didn’t know what was gonna happen. But you wantto know something? Not one person even noticed that itwas turkey instead of chicken. Now, that’s what I callteamwork.

Jenny: [completely won over] I’m sorry, honey. I’llgive it another chance. I believe in you.

Walker: [takes her hand] Thank you, honey.

Kevin: [joins them at the register] I believe in you,too, Mr. Walker.

Walker: Thanks, Kevin. [Kevin puts his hand on theirsin an “All for one, one for all” gesture – Walkerbrightens] Hey, what do you say we stop all this andget back to business as usual? [pats Kevin on theback] What do you say?

Jenny: [genuinely cheerful again] Oh, okay.

Kevin: [happy] Okay!

[Jenny laughs and dusts the display rack. Kevin getsout his comic book and goes back to his stool. Walkerscribbles on some paperwork, pipe in mouth.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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