SNL Transcripts: Fred Willard: 10/14/78: On The Spot



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 2




78b: Fred Willard / Devo

On The spot

Joan Face…..Jane Curtin
Irwin Mainway…..Dan Aykroyd

[ opening graphic ] [ dissolve to Joan Face seated on stage set ]

Joan Face: Good evening, I’m Jane Face and welcome to “On The Spot”. As parents of schoolchildren, we should be concerned about the quality of food our children are served in school lunchrooms. Are the meals balanced? Are the ingredients fresh? Are they prepared under sanitary conditions? We are about to talk with the man who has the nutritional welfare of our children in his hands. On the spot with us tonight, the man who was awarded the contract to provide the school lunch program for the tri-state area school system. He is the President of Inter-City Foods, a division of Mainway International — Dr. Irwin Mainway.

[ Irwin Mainway appears seated to Joan’s right ]

Irwin Mainway: Thank you, Miss Face. No, I’m not gonna take the credit of a doctor —

Joan Face: I understand. My mistake.

Irwin Mainway: I’m a businessman, I’m not a doctor! You know?

Joan Face: Yes, I know. Now, Mr. Mainway —

Irwin Mainway: But… I got the brains. You know.

Joan Face: I doubt that. [ moving on ] Your program has been the subject of an investigation by our “On The Spot” research team, and the results are deeply disturbing, to say the least.

Irwin Mainway: [ amused ] Wha — wha — what are you talking about?

Joan Face: The lunches that you are feeding our schoolchildren are utterly devoid of any nutritional content! Look at the lunch menu, served to the youngsters at Samuel O’Gunther’s Grammer School last Wednesday: [ reading ] Grilled toast Sandwich, macaroni and hamburger buns… little cubes of stale bread. [ she holds up a bowl ]

Irwin Mainway: Well, now, these — these are croutons, Miss Face, uh — that’s my Caesar Salad.

Joan Face: It’s PURE starch! And what about Thursday? [ reading ] First of all, the soup: a tablespoon of imitation grape jelly in a bowl of hot water. Not to mention a cocoa-wich: two pieces of white bread, thinly spread with diluted chocolate syrup! And, to top it off: black coffee and cigarettes!

Irwin Mainway: [ defensively ] Now, that’s a bottomless cup of coffee! Those kids can get REFILLS! All they want! You know?

Joan Face: I’ll bet. The dessert is a big bowl of white, refined sugar! This is your idea of a balanced meal, Mr. Mainway?

Irwin Mainway: [ defensively ] The kids LOVE it! I mean, it’s high energy! You should SEE bounding out the cafeteria! It’s unbelievable! I can’t keep up with these kids on Thursday! I can’t keep up with them!

Joan Face: Mr. Mainway, could you tell us how much the city pays you to run this program?

Irwin Mainway: [ snarky ] Not enough! That’s for sure! [ he laughs ]

Joan Face: I’ll tell you, Mr. Mainway. Yuo receive $2.78 per student, per day, of which you spend approximately eighteen cents. You’re doing pretty well for yourself, giving little children sugar and starch. Haven’t you ever heard of protein?

Irwin Mainway: Miss Face, if kids want to bring their own protein, we don’t stop ’em! Nobody’s confiscating any protein at the door that I’ve heard about!

Joan Face: [ she sighs ] Mr. Mainway, Isn’t it true that on last April 18th, the schoolchildren of this city ate a hot lunch composed almost entirely of pureed insects?

Irwin Mainway: That was a HOT lunch, now.

Joan Face: Yeah. Hot insects.

Irwin Mainway: Heeeyy, come on, give me a break! I gotta find out what these kids like!

Joan Face: [ reading ] June 1st: ravioli stuffed with chalk!

Irwin Mainway: [ crinkling his face ] Now, that was an experiment that didn’t work. You know? I’m not gonna sit here and lie to you! I’m not gonna lie! I made a mistake. And I’m sure you make mistakes, too, Miss Face. My company got a break on a quantity of chalk — I went for it! Hey, I’m not God!

Joan Face: Mr. Mainway, let’s talk about the milk you’re serving our children. We’ve taken the liberty of having your milk analyzed in a lab. I think the public has a right to know: it’s dog milk!

Irwin Mainway: [ annoyed ] Yeah? So what? Dogs are mammals, aren’t they?

Joan Face: I don’t know where you get it, how you get it, or who actually MILKS the dogs… and I don’t care to!

Irwin Mainway: Well, it’s your loss, Miss Face, because it’s a very interesting process, let me tell you!

Joan Face: Mr. Mainway… you are really contempt. Not only are you ROBBING the taxpayers of their dollars, you are also ROBBING our children of their right to good health! You’re stunting their growth and dulling their brains!How do you sleep at night?

Irwin Mainway: Come on, now let me tell you something. I want to tell you something. Now, is this even the WORST of stuff I’m serving them? I mean, at least it’s not dangerous! You know, eating is a dangerous operation, anyway! Say you’re eating — it’s not 100% safe, you know? Like, you’re eating a hot apple pie, or something, you know? I mean, somebody slams a door, the filling goes through your teeth. You know? You could burn your mouth. You know? Miss Face, I-I-I’m sure you’ve had a ham sandwich and rye bread, right? Well, you know, rye bread, they put those little caraway seeds there, you know? Well, now, if you bite down hard on a piece of bread, and your tooth hatches that seed at a certain angle, that seed has been know to fly up, hit you in the eye, you’ll go blind!

Joan Face: Ohh!

Irwin Mainway: You know? I mean, look — [ he picks up an apple ] Here’s God’s gift to nature! You know: Adam & Eve, the first thing on Earth, right? Okay, I’m gonna take a natural bit of the apple, you know? [ he takes a bite and chews ] I took a bite out of the apple, I’m talking to you, I take a breath — [ he pretends to choke, as Joan pats his back ] I mean, that’s an example, you know?

Joan Face: I’m afraid that’s all the time we have on “On The Spot”.

Irwin Mainway: It went down the wrong pipe!

Joan Face: Mr. Mainway, you are a morally bankrupt person.

Irwin Mainway: No, no, what about a banana?! [ he picks up a banana ] How many times you see people break their back on a banana?!

[ dissolve to title card ] [ fade ]

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