Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 2
Two Guys Who Are Lawyers
Daughter…..Laraine Newman
Mom…..Jane Curtin
Dad…..Bill Murray
Jerry…..Dan Aykroyd
Art…..Fred Willard
Surgeon…..John Belushi
James Meredith…..Garrett Morris
Patty Hearst…..Gilda Radner
[ open on family members, all wearing neck braces, sitting around the kitchen table ]
Daughter: Aw, Mom! Sandwiches again?!
Mother: You know your father doesn’t have a high school diploma.
Father: And even if I did have a better job, what good would it do? We’ve all been laid up since the auto accident.
Mother: And these braces took most of our savings.
Daughter: But the accident wasn’t our fault! We should have SUED that guy! Shouldn’t we have hired a lawyer?
Father: Sure! But how?
[ zoom out, as Jerry is superimposed onto the scene ]
Jerry: How many times has this happened to you: You’re sitting with your family in a parked car, a drunken man without insurance or a license deliberately hits you broadside and lays you up indefinitely? You feel you have a claim, but just don’t know where to go. “Lawyers are expensive,” you say? Not when you come to Two Guys Who Are Lawyers, the discount law firm.
[ Art steps forward, grinning widely ]
Art: Tell them, Jerry!
Jerry: Sure, Art! Now that attorneys can advertise, we ask you to shop around, and you will agree that we Two Guys undersell all our competitors and give you the BEST legal services for your money!
[ reveal exterior of their storefront in strip mall ]
[ cut to Steven Kipnis, M.D. testimonial ]
Surgeon: I’m a surgeon. A steady hand is my livelihood. One day, my steady hand accidentally replaced a patient’s kidney with a telephone. I went to the Two Guys. [ he grins sheepishly ]
[ cut to the Two Guys in their office ]
Art: Is that it, Jerry?
Jerry: Not in the least, Art! No matter what your case is… we want to be of service… to you! Our staff is composed of trained, courteous, and friendly individuals who are experts in corporate tax, divorce criminal entertainment, and constitutional law.
[ cut to James Meredith testimonial ]
James Meredith: I have always wanted to attend the University of Mississippi. But, as a Black man, I found its doors closed to me. Then somebody told me about the Constitution department — LAW department — that the Two Guys had. They helped me get into Ole Miss. Now… I’ve got my Master’s! Thanks, guys!
[ cut to the Two Guys in their office ]
Art: That MUST be it, Jerry?
Jerry: No, not yet, Art. We will stand by our clients. That’s the Two Guys Who Are Lawyers guarantee! If your case should lose in a lower court, we will take it as far as necessary, even all the way to the Supreme Court!
Art: That’s right! Washington, D.C.!
[ cut to Patty Hearst testimonial ]
Patty Hearst: Why spend one-million, two-hundred thousand dollars to defend yourself in court? Really, F. Lee Bailey is okay, but, next time I get kidnapped, I’m going to the Two Guys!
[ cut to the Two Guys in their office ]
Art: Now, Jerry?
Jerry: Yes… now, Art!
[ they stand and sing ]
Jerry: For legal problems, whatever the size!
Art: Hop in your car, and come down to Two Guys!
[ dissolve to title card: ]
[ “Two Guys Who Are Lawyers
* Pleasant Valley
* Jefferson Mall
* Rt. 24″ ]
Announcer: Now at three locations!
