SNL Transcripts: Fred Willard: 10/14/78: Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 2

78b: Fred Willard / Devo

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

…..Jane Curtin
…..Bill Murray
Lucille Ball…..Gilda Radner
Gary Morton…..Alan Zweibel
…..Dan Aykroyd

Jane Curtin: Wonder Woman’s bra returned to Brooklyn Navy yard. This, and other stories, on “Weekend Update”, coming up next.

[ dissolve out ] [ fade up ]

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with the Weekend Update news team. Brought to you by Bleu Balls, the cheese snack from France. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane curtin.

Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin. Our top story tonight:

The New York Yankees evened the World Series with two games apiece this afternoon, with a 4-3 victory over the Los Angeles Dodgers. [ audience cheers ] Though thrilled about today’s victory, millionaire-owner George Steinbrenner, in what he said was a precautionary move to ensure another world championship, purchased the entire Los Angeles Dodger team, and immediately instated Billy Martin as the Dodger manager for the rest of the Series.

Even though thye were told that they would not be able to consummate their marriage, James Earl Ray, confessed killer of Martin Luther King, Jr., and Anna Sandhu, a 32-year old divorcee, married Friday in a small prison ceremony. Later, when Ray was told what the word “consummate” means, he flew into a rage and had to be restrained by prison guards.

Jane Curtin: Bill?

Bill Murray: Hey, now there’s a lot of hard news going down this week, I guess. But the story that really caught my eye was the Ian Smith visit. Now, he’s the President or Prime Minister — whatever — of Rhodesia. I don’t know. And there’s a WAR going on over there, which bothers me. Now, I hard that the U.S. government didn’t want to let Smith in the country, and I thought, “Well, this guy’s been discriminating against Blacks for so long — I hear it’s like ten or twenty years or darkie jokes, the whole business. But HE is against what this country STANDS for, and we don’t do that here. Let’s keep him out! Well, then they decided to let him in, and I thought, “Well, wait a second… if this country does stand for one thing, it’s freedom of speech. Numero Uno, Bill of Rights — look it up. I don’t know if it is Uno, but it should be. Anyway, it’s in there, in the Uno to Dias, somewhere.

Anyway, even if this guy is a Communist, a Nazi, or what — he deserves to say his piece. So then he arrives here, and he’s got a Black guy with him, and I keep saying to myself, “Well, maybe things have changed. This guy’s turned over new leaf.” So, I go to my source on these things, and I say, “Hey, Garrett… what the HELL is my position gonna be on this Rhodesia thing?” And he says, “Bill, I don’t know.” And if HE doesn’t know, and he’s Black… how am I supposed to know? So I guess this is one of those hard news war stories where you just don’t know what’s what yet. so let’s move on to a new feature, huh?

And now, a new feature on “Weekend Update”, I think you’re going to enjoy this: Bill Murray’s Celebrity Corner. That’s right, I feel this will add a warm touch to the hard news, because today we have with us a very special guest, who’s asked to come on and help me launch this new feature. This is the beautiful — the First Lady of Television herself — Lucille Ball and her husband Gary Morton. [ they appear on the monitor ] Lucy? Thanks again for coming on Celebrity Corner.

Lucille Ball: Well… thank you for having me, Bill. And I certainly want to wish you good luck. [ she takes a drag from a cigarette ]

Bill Murray: I know you do, Lucy. You look WONDERFUL! And, so do you, Gary. But, uh, let me ask you this: How are Fred and Ethel?

Lucille Ball: Fred is dead.

Bill Murray: [ confused ] Freddie’s dead?

Lucille Ball: That’s what I said. Bill Frawley died a while ago.

Bill Murray: Well, forgive me, Lucy, honey, but we — we’ve been having a newspaper strike here in New York, and, uh, I didn’t even know he was sick. Lucy? Could you perform for us?

Lucille Ball: Biiilll…

Bill Murray: Come on! Just a little Lucy-ism!

Lucille Ball: No, Bill, really…

Bill Murray: [ grabbing his lip ] Lucyyyy! Come on, Lucyyyy! Alright, this is the scene: You’re working in a bakery, and the conveyor belt starts to go too fast, all the cupcakes end up on the floor, and you’re so upset that you go…

Lucille Ball: [ taking her cue ] Aaaaahhhhhhh!! [ she then takes another drag on her cigarette ]

Bill Murray: [ laughing ] Ha! JUst the way I remember it! Isn’t that great! It’s incredible! You know, honey — it is that physical schtick that was always your trademark, Lucy. Let me ask you this: Is there anything to the rumor that you and Desi will remarry? Personally, I would love to see it happen.

Lucille Ball: No, Bill. Desi was a loser! A very talented man, but he felt he had to lose. Gary’s a winner. [ Gary grins ]

Bill Murray: Just one more question, Lucy: What’s in the future for Lucy? Will she do another TV show or a movie?

Lucille Ball: No, Bill. I’m very happy as I am. I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful home, two extremely untalented children who I love, and peace of mind. I’m content just to sit in my car with Rose-Marie and talk about how time has ravaged our faces.

Bill Murray: Well, thank you very much, Lucy, for being wih us here on Celebrity Corner. [ they fade from the monitor ] Hey! Well, that was the first Celebrity Corner, and a damn good one, I think. [ the audience applauds ] I loved it! I loved that one. How about you, Jane?

[ Jane smirks without saying a word ]

Jane Curtin: While the newspaper strike continues in New York City, rumors are still the major source of information. So, for you New Yorkers, we want to dispel the following rumors: Allen Funt will not pitch the fifth game of tomorrow’s World Series, Rhodesian Prime Minister Ian Smith was not seen dancing with Ed Sullivan in Studio 54, and Betty Ford’s facelift was not performed by Sid Vicious.In the wake of revelations that high-ranking Soviet defector Arkady Shevchenko gave gifts of $40,000 in cash and a $13,000 sports car to Judy Chavez, a 22-year old woman who worked for a Washington escort service, a State Department official announced today that over 700 Soviet hookers have defected to the U.S. in the last three days. They will be debriefed at the CIA Debriefing Center at the Mustang Ranch in Reno, Nevada.Well, the motives behind the recent kidnapping of country music star Tammy Wynette were finally divulged today. The suspect’s plan was to force Tammy to record a hit album against her will. The soon-to-be-released LP will feature Tammy’s new single: “Take the Ribbon From My Hair and Twist it Round My Neck.”This just in from Rome: The entire College of Cardinals died in their sleep last night. [ the audience cheers and applauds ] In an unprecedented move, the Brooklyn High School of Music and Art will elect the new Pope. Just kidding! [ she laughs uproariously ] Bill?Bill Murray: [ impressed ] I got that, by the way, Jane.Punk-rock star, Sid Vicious, was arraigned yesterday in the night killing of his girlfriend. Vicious’ lawyer said that it may be difficult to get a fair trial for the ex-Sex Pistol, considering his name. So, during the proceedings, Sid will change his name from “Sid Vicious” to “Sidney, Not Such A Bad Guy Once You Get To Know Him”.

[ glancing off screen ] I see you’ve got a special guest over there, Jane.

Jane Curtin: That’s right, Bill. This week we’d like to introduce an old co-worker in a new Weekend Updatesegment, an editorial comment by our station manager. Here is Dan Aykroyd, Strictly Speaking. Dan?

Dan Aykroyd: [wearing gray suit and eyeglasses – grim, intense and fast] Thank you, Jane. Good evening. Well, it’s football season again, we’re right in the middle of it. And as usual every team’s crew of femalecheerleaders’ providing the same supportive histrionics from the sidelines. However, this year, there are less cheers and more leers and it’s the fans in the stands who do the leering at the girls who do the cheering because this season these cheer ladies are more nudely, more lewdly, more crudely attired than ever.

Now, I suppose a modicum of enthusiasm from the sidelines helps the morale of the team and supporters and it’s not the maintenance of team spirit I take issue with. Rather, I’m objecting to three specific elements of these cheerleading displays and here they are, from the ground up.

One, vinyl boots. The nudity of a young woman’s leg is more than enough. A skintight red or white vinyl bootprovides the already natural sensual shape of a woman’s calf with a most unnecessary enhancement.

Two, the gap. That is, the intentional use of tight-fitting short shorts as an engineering device to distinctly exaggerate the external perimeters of a female’s vagina. The deliberate display of this vortex, in my mind, has nothing to do with football or any other sport.

Three, the ripple or bounce. By this I mean the consciously designed exposure of the upper mammalial carriage, an exposure at times so extensive that on particularly cold or windy days, the embossment of the small bumps surrounding the aureola is clearly visible through binoculars from any seat in the stadium.

Can the game go on without the boots, the gap and the ripple? I think so. So, cover up, girls, or get off the field and let the boys play ball. This is Dan Aykroyd, Strictly Speaking. Thank you.

[Applause. Cut to a wide shot of Dan, Jane and Bill. On the Chroma-Key screen between Jane and Bill is an image of a globe. A giant hand reaches into view and spins the globe.]

Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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