SNL Transcripts: Frank Zappa: 10/21/78: The Coneheads at Home


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 3

78c: Frank Zappa

The Coneheads at Home

Beldar Conehead … Dan Aykroyd
Prymaat Conehead … Jane Curtin
Connie Conehead … Laraine Newman
… Frank Zappa

[Living room of the suburban home of the Coneheads, anextraterrestrial family from the planet Remulak tryingto fit unobtrusively into middle class America. Thefather, Beldar Conehead, enters through the front doorcarrying a briefcase.]

Beldar: [nasal robotic voice] Honey, I’mhome!

[Cheers and applause as Beldar removes themulticolored stocking cap he is wearing to reveal hisunnaturally large hairless head shaped like a cone.SUPER: THE CONEHEADS AT HOME – He puts down and hisbriefcase and takes off his coat. He wears ordinaryAmerican clothes but with a small silver cape tiedaround his neck and shoulders. His wife, Prymaat,enters from kitchen carrying a tray. She, too, has acone-shaped head and wears a silver cape. She andBeldar greet each other with a stiff bow, touchingcones in the process. They sit on the sofa. Prymaatsets down her tray, which holds six-packs of beer andbags of potato chips. Beldar loosens his necktie andpartakes of the beer.]

Beldar: The relation of the earth’s axis toits sun is most noticeable today.

Prymaat: Yes, it’s colder than a larthgor’smib. Beldar, we must maintain our lawn spaces to ourhuman neighbors. You must collect the fallen treeparticles.

Beldar: There is no human custom which saysthe female spousal unit may not collect the treeparticles.

Prymaat: [angrily] But I was the one whoinstalled the exterior transparent weather panels!

Beldar: Mebs!

Prymaat: Mebs!

Beldar: Mebs!

Prymaat: Mebs!

Beldar: Mebs!

Prymaat: Mebs!

[Teen daughter Connie, in school uniform, enters anddrops off her school books. Like her parents, shespeaks with a nasal robotic voice, wears a silver capeand has a huge cone head.]

Connie: Greetings, parental units! [starts upstairs]

Beldar: Wait!

[Connie freezes.]

Beldar: Get your young cone over here.

[Connie reluctantly joins her parents on thesofa.]

Prymaat: You must consume mass quantities.

Connie: No! I have a date. I must prepare mycone.

Prymaat: Mebs! You had a date last night!Beldar, it is vital that you address our young one.

Beldar: Connie, we are concerned with theincreasing frequency of your nocturnal interactionwith the humans.

Connie: Do not be concerned. I can handlemyself.

Beldar: Good. You know, Connie, Prymaat and Iare not completely unaware of the problems whichpresent themselves to you as a young, attractive coneon this miserable planet.

Connie: Oh, boy. You’re not going to relateyour life tales about the Arzoolians again?

Prymaat: No, but realize that when I was youngI lived with my parental units on the planet Garnep inthe Krint belts. All during this time not oneGarneepian laid a tendril on my cone. So that on theday when Beldar and I had our langthoos joined byShebvar the Relentless, I presented Beldar with anunhoned cone.

Beldar: Mmmm, and it heightened thesenso-experience for both of us.

Prymaat: We did not leave our Guzz Module forthree whole dreeodes.

Prymaat and Beldar: Mmmm!

Beldar: And, except for those two flathragsfrom Meepzor, it was my first time as well.

Prymaat: [rises, angrily] Flathrags! You nevertold me about flathrags from Meepzor!

Beldar: Mebs!

Prymaat: Mebs!

Beldar: [rises, defensively] Mebs!

Prymaat: Mebs!

Beldar: Mebs!

Prymaat: Mebs!

[Doorbell rings. Connie rises, upset.]

Connie: Ohhhh! My date! I have not prepared mycone! Parental units, please greet the human! [Connierushes up the stairs, exiting. Beldar and Prymaat movestiffly to the front door, reluctantly.]

Beldar and Prymaat: [with great disgust]Nyaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

[Beldar and Prymaat open the door to revealwalrus-mustached musician Frank Zappa who wears atrench coat, sunglasses and a fedora.]

Beldar: Greetings.

Prymaat: Enter.

[Zappa enters to cheers and applause and removes hisglasses.]

Frank Zappa: Hello. You must be Mr. and Mrs.,uh, Conehead.

Beldar: Yes. Correct. Your name?

Frank Zappa: Frank Zappa.

Prymaat: What is your function on this planet?

Frank Zappa: I am a musician. And I’m giving aconcert. [Zappa breaks character and talks to cue cardpeople] No, that should be out there — it shouldn’tbe in there. Oh, yeah, and – [back to scene] AndConnie is my special guest.

Beldar: Concert?

Prymaat: Concert. A voluntary gathering ofhumans to absorb sound patterns.

Beldar: Prymaat, assist our young one while Icommunicate with this human.

[Prymaat exits.]

Beldar: [with a grand gesture, to Zappa] Iinvite you to consume mass quantities.

[Beldar and Zappa move stiffly to the sofa and sit.Zappa watches Beldar pick up an entire six-pack ofbeer and take a swig. Zappa imitates him. Beldar tearsopen a bag of potato chips and stuffs a large handfulinto his mouth. Zappa imitates him. The two men,mouths full of chips and beer, pause to give eachother a wary look. Cheers and applause.]

Beldar: So, Zappa! Where did you meet…..?

[Zappa spits out the beer and chips onto the floor andtries to deliver his line but he and the audiencebegin laughing.]

Frank Zappa: Excuse me!

Beldar: Zappa!

Frank Zappa: Yeah?

Beldar: Where – where did you meet our youngone?

Frank Zappa: I spotted her in the front rowlast night and I knew she was really special.

Beldar: Naturally, as a parental unit, I amconcerned with whom our young one interacts.

Frank Zappa: Well, Connie told me where you’recoming from … [breaks up laughing] And I realizethat as French people you must be very wary ofAmericans. Don’t worry, I used to have a French personin the band and I know I can take good care of her.

Beldar: Good.

[Connie and Prymaat enter. Connie now wears muchsexier outfit than earlier. She also has a headbandaround her cone along with her silver cape.]

Frank Zappa: Hi, Connie.

Connie: [coquettishly] Hi, Frank. [Zappa risesand joins Connie, putting his arm around her waist]Oh, excuse my parental units if they have presentedyou with square doctrines.

Frank Zappa: No, they’re – they’re not square,they’re okay.

[Beldar and Prymaat stand together opposite Connie andFrank.]

Prymaat: [holds a vinyl copy of Zappa’s recordalbum, Studio Tan] Connie has many of these discswhich are gifts from this human.

Beldar: [takes the album, holds it up,impressed] You? Produce these?

Frank Zappa: Yes, this is a collection – anunauthorized collection – of my latest sound patterns.

Beldar: I, Beldar, approve. Au revoir.

[Arm in arm, Zappa and Connie head for the frontdoor.]

Prymaat: Return at the pre-designated timecoordinates!

Connie: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Frank Zappa: Nice to meet you, Mr. and Mrs.Conehead!

[Zappa and Connie exit. Beldar and Prymaat inspect thealbum.]

Beldar: Mmmmm. [Beldar rips open the cardboardjacket and removes the vinyl record] What finecompressed petroleum binding polymers!

[Prymaat and Beldar each take a couple of bites out ofthe record and chew the crunchy vinylnoisily.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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