SNL Transcripts: Frank Zappa: 10/21/78: The Coneheads at Home

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 3

78c: Frank Zappa

The Coneheads at Home

Beldar Conehead … Dan Aykroyd
Prymaat Conehead … Jane Curtin
Connie Conehead … Laraine Newman
… Frank Zappa

[Living room of the suburban home of the Coneheads, anextraterrestrial family from the planet Remulak tryingto fit unobtrusively into middle class America. Thefather, Beldar Conehead, enters through the front doorcarrying a briefcase.]

Beldar: [nasal robotic voice] Honey, I’mhome!

[Cheers and applause as Beldar removes themulticolored stocking cap he is wearing to reveal hisunnaturally large hairless head shaped like a cone.SUPER: THE CONEHEADS AT HOME – He puts down and hisbriefcase and takes off his coat. He wears ordinaryAmerican clothes but with a small silver cape tiedaround his neck and shoulders. His wife, Prymaat,enters from kitchen carrying a tray. She, too, has acone-shaped head and wears a silver cape. She andBeldar greet each other with a stiff bow, touchingcones in the process. They sit on the sofa. Prymaatsets down her tray, which holds six-packs of beer andbags of potato chips. Beldar loosens his necktie andpartakes of the beer.]

Beldar: The relation of the earth’s axis toits sun is most noticeable today.

Prymaat: Yes, it’s colder than a larthgor’smib. Beldar, we must maintain our lawn spaces to ourhuman neighbors. You must collect the fallen treeparticles.

Beldar: There is no human custom which saysthe female spousal unit may not collect the treeparticles.

Prymaat: [angrily] But I was the one whoinstalled the exterior transparent weather panels!

Beldar: Mebs!

Prymaat: Mebs!

Beldar: Mebs!

Prymaat: Mebs!

Beldar: Mebs!

Prymaat: Mebs!

[Teen daughter Connie, in school uniform, enters anddrops off her school books. Like her parents, shespeaks with a nasal robotic voice, wears a silver capeand has a huge cone head.]

Connie: Greetings, parental units! [starts upstairs]

Beldar: Wait!

[Connie freezes.]

Beldar: Get your young cone over here.

[Connie reluctantly joins her parents on thesofa.]

Prymaat: You must consume mass quantities.

Connie: No! I have a date. I must prepare mycone.

Prymaat: Mebs! You had a date last night!Beldar, it is vital that you address our young one.

Beldar: Connie, we are concerned with theincreasing frequency of your nocturnal interactionwith the humans.

Connie: Do not be concerned. I can handlemyself.

Beldar: Good. You know, Connie, Prymaat and Iare not completely unaware of the problems whichpresent themselves to you as a young, attractive coneon this miserable planet.

Connie: Oh, boy. You’re not going to relateyour life tales about the Arzoolians again?

Prymaat: No, but realize that when I was youngI lived with my parental units on the planet Garnep inthe Krint belts. All during this time not oneGarneepian laid a tendril on my cone. So that on theday when Beldar and I had our langthoos joined byShebvar the Relentless, I presented Beldar with anunhoned cone.

Beldar: Mmmm, and it heightened thesenso-experience for both of us.

Prymaat: We did not leave our Guzz Module forthree whole dreeodes.

Prymaat and Beldar: Mmmm!

Beldar: And, except for those two flathragsfrom Meepzor, it was my first time as well.

Prymaat: [rises, angrily] Flathrags! You nevertold me about flathrags from Meepzor!

Beldar: Mebs!

Prymaat: Mebs!

Beldar: [rises, defensively] Mebs!

Prymaat: Mebs!

Beldar: Mebs!

Prymaat: Mebs!

[Doorbell rings. Connie rises, upset.]

Connie: Ohhhh! My date! I have not prepared mycone! Parental units, please greet the human! [Connierushes up the stairs, exiting. Beldar and Prymaat movestiffly to the front door, reluctantly.]

Beldar and Prymaat: [with great disgust]Nyaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

[Beldar and Prymaat open the door to revealwalrus-mustached musician Frank Zappa who wears atrench coat, sunglasses and a fedora.]

Beldar: Greetings.

Prymaat: Enter.

[Zappa enters to cheers and applause and removes hisglasses.]

Frank Zappa: Hello. You must be Mr. and Mrs.,uh, Conehead.

Beldar: Yes. Correct. Your name?

Frank Zappa: Frank Zappa.

Prymaat: What is your function on this planet?

Frank Zappa: I am a musician. And I’m giving aconcert. [Zappa breaks character and talks to cue cardpeople] No, that should be out there — it shouldn’tbe in there. Oh, yeah, and – [back to scene] AndConnie is my special guest.

Beldar: Concert?

Prymaat: Concert. A voluntary gathering ofhumans to absorb sound patterns.

Beldar: Prymaat, assist our young one while Icommunicate with this human.

[Prymaat exits.]

Beldar: [with a grand gesture, to Zappa] Iinvite you to consume mass quantities.

[Beldar and Zappa move stiffly to the sofa and sit.Zappa watches Beldar pick up an entire six-pack ofbeer and take a swig. Zappa imitates him. Beldar tearsopen a bag of potato chips and stuffs a large handfulinto his mouth. Zappa imitates him. The two men,mouths full of chips and beer, pause to give eachother a wary look. Cheers and applause.]

Beldar: So, Zappa! Where did you meet…..?

[Zappa spits out the beer and chips onto the floor andtries to deliver his line but he and the audiencebegin laughing.]

Frank Zappa: Excuse me!

Beldar: Zappa!

Frank Zappa: Yeah?

Beldar: Where – where did you meet our youngone?

Frank Zappa: I spotted her in the front rowlast night and I knew she was really special.

Beldar: Naturally, as a parental unit, I amconcerned with whom our young one interacts.

Frank Zappa: Well, Connie told me where you’recoming from … [breaks up laughing] And I realizethat as French people you must be very wary ofAmericans. Don’t worry, I used to have a French personin the band and I know I can take good care of her.

Beldar: Good.

[Connie and Prymaat enter. Connie now wears muchsexier outfit than earlier. She also has a headbandaround her cone along with her silver cape.]

Frank Zappa: Hi, Connie.

Connie: [coquettishly] Hi, Frank. [Zappa risesand joins Connie, putting his arm around her waist]Oh, excuse my parental units if they have presentedyou with square doctrines.

Frank Zappa: No, they’re – they’re not square,they’re okay.

[Beldar and Prymaat stand together opposite Connie andFrank.]

Prymaat: [holds a vinyl copy of Zappa’s recordalbum, Studio Tan] Connie has many of these discswhich are gifts from this human.

Beldar: [takes the album, holds it up,impressed] You? Produce these?

Frank Zappa: Yes, this is a collection – anunauthorized collection – of my latest sound patterns.

Beldar: I, Beldar, approve. Au revoir.

[Arm in arm, Zappa and Connie head for the frontdoor.]

Prymaat: Return at the pre-designated timecoordinates!

Connie: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Frank Zappa: Nice to meet you, Mr. and Mrs.Conehead!

[Zappa and Connie exit. Beldar and Prymaat inspect thealbum.]

Beldar: Mmmmm. [Beldar rips open the cardboardjacket and removes the vinyl record] What finecompressed petroleum binding polymers!

[Prymaat and Beldar each take a couple of bites out ofthe record and chew the crunchy vinylnoisily.]

Submitted Anonymously

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