SNL Transcripts: Frank Zappa: 10/21/78: Frank Zappa’s Monologue

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 3







78c: Frank Zappa

Frank Zappa’s Monologue

…..Frank Zappa

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen … Frank Zappa!

[Dissolve to Frank Zappa, hands on hips,shoulder-length hair, walrus moustache, etc. He runsto home base, grabs a microphone off a handy stool andencourages the audience’s applause.]

Frank Zappa: Hiya, hiya, hiya! Thank you — and,remember, I’m reading this off these cards underneaththis camera here. [reads off the cue cards] Thank you!It’s an awesome responsibility being selected out ofmillions of people to become the banner of NBC’s newlook. God, I hope I’m good! Tonight, we’d like to do asong about an important social problem, disco. Itdeals with lonely people with no natural rhythmimpinging on each other in the darkness. It’s called”Dancing Fool”! [shouts to the band] One, two, three,four … !

[The band comes crashing in and Zappa sings:]

I don’t know much about dancin’
That’s why I got this song
One of my legs is shorter than the other
‘N’ both my feet’s too long
‘Course now right along with ’em
Got no natural rhythm
But I go dancin’ every night
Hopin’ one day I might get it right

I’m a dancin’ foo-oo-oo-oo-ool
I’m a dancin’ foo-oo-oo-oo-ool
I’m a dancin’ foo-oo-oo-oo-ool
I’m a dancin’ foo-oo-oo-oo-ool

I hear that beat, I jump outa my seat,
But I can’t compete, ’cause I’m a
Dancin’ foo-oo-oo-oo-ool
I’m a dancin’ foo-oo-oo-oo-ool

Disco folks all dressed up
Like they’s fit to kill
I walk on in ‘n’ see ’em there
Gonna give them all a thrill
When they see me comin’
They all steps aside
They has a fit while I commit
My social suicide

I’m a dancin’ foo-oo-oo-oo-ool
I’m a dancin’ foo-oo-oo-oo-ool
I’m a dancin’ foo-oo-oo-oo-ool
I’m a dancin’ foo-oo-oo-oo-ool

The beat goes on And I’m so wro-ong
The beat goes on
And I’m so wro-ong
The beat goes on ‘n’ I’m so wrong
The beat goes on ‘n’ I’m so wrong
The beat goes on ‘n’ I’m so wrong
The beat goes on ‘n’ I’m so wrong
I may be totally wrong, but I’m a
Dancin’ foo-oo-oo-oo-ool
I may be totally wrong, but I’m a
Dancin’ foo-oo-oo-oo-ool

[bares his shoulder, spreads his legs and gyratesarrhythmically]

I got it all together now
With my very own disco clothes, hey!
My shirt’s half open t’ show you my chain
‘N’ the spoon for up in my nose
I am really somethin’
That’s what you’d prob’ly say
So smoke your little smoke
Drink your little drink
While I dance the night away

I’m a dancin’ foo-oo-oo-oo-ool
I’m a dancin’ foo-oo-oo-oo-ool
I’m a dancin’ foo-oo-oo-oo-ool
I’m a dancin’ foo-oo-oo-oo-ool
He’s a dancin’ fool

I may be totally wrong, but I’m a
I may be totally wrong, but I’m a
I may be totally wrong, but I’m a
I may be totally wrong, but I’m a fool, yeah!

[As the music continues, Zappa speaks to an attractiveyoung woman sitting in the front row of the audience.]

Say, darling, can I buy ya a drink? Come here.

[Zappa extends a hand to her – she takes it and, toher astonishment, he guides her up onto home basewhere he hits on her:]

I mean, are you looking for Mister Goodbar? Wait aminute. I’ve got it. You’re an Italian! You’re Jewish?[Woman shakes her head.] Love your nails. You must bea Libra. [Woman shakes her head. The music endsabruptly just as Zappa asks:] Your place or mine?

Woman: [shrugs, uncertainly] Mine. [laughs]

Frank Zappa: Okay! Let’s go!

[Zappa puts his arm around her and they walk off stagetogether as the audience cheers and applauds.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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