Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 3
Mr. Bill Moves In
(The film opens with a shot of the Empire State Building. Camera pans down to the street level where a Taxi cab pulls up. Mr. Hands opens the door and the title curtain is revealed.)
Mr. Hands: Hey kids, it’s time for the Mr. Bill show!
(curtain rises to show Mr. Bill and Spot)
Mr. Bill: Ho ho, kiddies! Oh boy, are we going to have fun today because Spot and I are moving into our newpenthouse apartment. Yay! And here’s our moving man, Mr. Hands! Yay!
Mr. Hands: Say Mr. Bill. What do you think of the outside?
Mr. Bill: Oh what a beautiful building! Are you sure we can afford it?
Mr. Hands: Oh sure.
(cut to the inside of the apartment)
Mr. Bill: Oh and what a beautiful interior. Nice shade too.
Mr. Hands: (places Mr. Bill on the armchair.) Well make yourself at home and prop your feet up. (pushes Mr. Bill into the chair, breaking him up.)
Mr. Bill: No but you know I can’t sit so well. No, Noooooooooooo!
Mr. Hands: Say Mr. Bill, we better clean up before the interior decorator gets here. I’ll vacuum. (aims a vacuum at Mr. Bill’s left arm.)
Mr. Bill: No but it looks fine to me. No, no, no (the vacuum rips Mr. Bill’s arm out) Ohhhhhhhhhhhh! (a knock on the door is heard.)
Mr. Hands: (starts molding Sluggo.) Oh just in time because here comes the interior decorator.
Mr. Bill: Oh yaaay! Oh no! He’s going to be mean to me!
Mr. Hands: No it’s Interior Decorator Sluggo. And he says you just must have a nice dog skin rug! (uses a rolling pin to roll Spot into the carpet)
Mr. Bill: Oh no! But I don’t want a dogskin, No! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Oh why why!
Mr. Hands: Now for some new furniture and Sluggo says this table will fit perfectly. (places a broken table)
Mr. Bill: No, Mr. Hands. But it only has three legs.
Mr. Hands: Oh, well then, it’s time for home repairs! Don’t worry, I’ll fix it. (reaches for Mr. Bill’s left leg.)
Mr. Bill: No wait, my leg! Noooooooooo! Oh why why!
Mr. Hands: (Using Mr. Bill’s leg to fix the table) There. Hardly even wobbles. Now we have to coordinate the colors because Sluggo says this shade will never do. (Places a fuschia colored paint can) We’ll have to repaint it.
Mr. Bill: I don’t like fuschia! No!
Mr. Hands: But it creates such a stylish effect! (uses a paint roller to paint the carpet, Mr. Bill and the wall.)
Mr. Bill: No, no nooooooooo! I don’t like it! I don’t like it!
Mr. Hands: Oh Mr. Bill! We got some paint on you. We’re going to have to wash your clothes. (takes Mr. Bill to a laundromat)
Mr. Bill: Oh but you know I can’t wash my clothes, Mr. Hands!
Mr. Hands: (throws Mr. Bill in the washer) Sure we’ll wash your stains away! (places the quarters in and starts the washer) So until next week kids, Mr. Bill says so long!
[ dissolve to audience shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… The Day the Earth Slowed Down Considerably” ]
[ fade ]
Submitted by: Nick Johnson