Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 3
Mr. Bill Moves In
(The film opens with a shot of the Empire State Building. Camera pans down to the street level where a Taxi cab pulls up. Mr. Hands opens the door and the title curtain is revealed.)
Mr. Hands: Hey kids, it’s time for the Mr. Bill show!
(curtain rises to show Mr. Bill and Spot)
Mr. Bill: Ho ho, kiddies! Oh boy, are we going to have fun today because Spot and I are moving into our newpenthouse apartment. Yay! And here’s our moving man, Mr. Hands! Yay!
Mr. Hands: Say Mr. Bill. What do you think of the outside?
Mr. Bill: Oh what a beautiful building! Are you sure we can afford it?
Mr. Hands: Oh sure.
(cut to the inside of the apartment)
Mr. Bill: Oh and what a beautiful interior. Nice shade too.
Mr. Hands: (places Mr. Bill on the armchair.) Well make yourself at home and prop your feet up. (pushes Mr. Bill into the chair, breaking him up.)
Mr. Bill: No but you know I can’t sit so well. No, Noooooooooooo!
Mr. Hands: Say Mr. Bill, we better clean up before the interior decorator gets here. I’ll vacuum. (aims a vacuum at Mr. Bill’s left arm.)
Mr. Bill: No but it looks fine to me. No, no, no (the vacuum rips Mr. Bill’s arm out) Ohhhhhhhhhhhh! (a knock on the door is heard.)
Mr. Hands: (starts molding Sluggo.) Oh just in time because here comes the interior decorator.
Mr. Bill: Oh yaaay! Oh no! He’s going to be mean to me!
Mr. Hands: No it’s Interior Decorator Sluggo. And he says you just must have a nice dog skin rug! (uses a rolling pin to roll Spot into the carpet)
Mr. Bill: Oh no! But I don’t want a dogskin, No! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Oh why why!
Mr. Hands: Now for some new furniture and Sluggo says this table will fit perfectly. (places a broken table)
Mr. Bill: No, Mr. Hands. But it only has three legs.
Mr. Hands: Oh, well then, it’s time for home repairs! Don’t worry, I’ll fix it. (reaches for Mr. Bill’s left leg.)
Mr. Bill: No wait, my leg! Noooooooooo! Oh why why!
Mr. Hands: (Using Mr. Bill’s leg to fix the table) There. Hardly even wobbles. Now we have to coordinate the colors because Sluggo says this shade will never do. (Places a fuschia colored paint can) We’ll have to repaint it.
Mr. Bill: I don’t like fuschia! No!
Mr. Hands: But it creates such a stylish effect! (uses a paint roller to paint the carpet, Mr. Bill and the wall.)
Mr. Bill: No, no nooooooooo! I don’t like it! I don’t like it!
Mr. Hands: Oh Mr. Bill! We got some paint on you. We’re going to have to wash your clothes. (takes Mr. Bill to a laundromat)
Mr. Bill: Oh but you know I can’t wash my clothes, Mr. Hands!
Mr. Hands: (throws Mr. Bill in the washer) Sure we’ll wash your stains away! (places the quarters in and starts the washer) So until next week kids, Mr. Bill says so long!
(curtain falls)[ dissolve to audience shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… The Day the Earth Slowed Down Considerably” ] [ fade ]
Submitted by: Nick Johnson