SNL Transcripts: Frank Zappa: 10/21/78: Baxter Prison


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 3

78c: Frank Zappa

Baxter Prison

Father…..Bill Murray
Mother…..Gilda Radner
Daughter…..Laraine Newman
Mr. Landick…..Garrett Morris
Tony Delightful…..John Belushi
Marilyn…..Jane Curtin
Henry…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on close-up of prisoner Tony Delightful behind bars playing the harmonica ] [ pull back to reveal that prisoner’s cell is the crawl space beneath a flight of stairs in a suburban home ] [ reveal Father working on the family budget at a desk in the foreground, as Daughter enters living room holding clothes ]

Daughter: Hi, Dad! We’re back. You owe me for the cleaning!

Father: Hello, sweetheart. Where’s your mother?

Daughter: She’s just sitting out in the car, looking out that little opera window.

[ she opens the closet door, which is chain-locked. Behind the chain appears the head of Mr. Landick ]

Mr. Landick: Hey, kid? Let me out of here. I’m innocent, I swear!

Daughter: [ she rolls her eyes ] I know you are, Mr. Landick. [ she holds up the clothes ] Could you please hang these up back there? And would you get me my sweater?

Mr. Landick: [ pleading ] I was gonna turn the heroin in, but you can NEVER find a parking space at the Narcotics Bureau!

Tony Delightful: Hey, don’t believe him, kid! He knows more lies than F. Lee Bailey!

Mr. Landick: [ holding up sweaters ] Uh — which one you want, the Betty Boop one or the blue one?

Daughter: The blue one.

Mr. Landick: Oh.

Father: [ stands ] Alright, I’ll go get your mother. Honey, don’t fraternize with the convicts. [ he exits through the kitchen ]

Tony Delightful: Hey, kid! Hey! Kid! [ he waves her over ] Kid! Gimme the phone! Get me, uh — San Diego Zoo on the phone! Area code… 7-1-4… 4-2-2…

Daughter: Why are you always calling the San Diego Zoo?

Tony Delightful: It’s my lawyer. He’s, uh — he’s there. Well, I mean, not always — part-time, you know? Sometimes, you know, he’s there. You know? I mean, uh — he likes it there! I mean, it’s — he likes — IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!! NOW, JUST GET HIM ON THE PHONE!! Ask for Bejamin Latella! Come on!!

Mr. Landick: Can no one hear the dwarf crying out in the wilderness?

Tony Delightful: AH, SHUT UP!!! You’re not in no wilderness! You’re in the hall closet! It’s a HELL of a lot better than being locked up under the stairs!! At least you get to try on hats!!

[ Father and mother re-enter the living room ]

Father: I found a few more! I just got the list of state prisoners you can apply for, look at this. Here! Hit and Run, first offense — now, we could lock him in the guest closet, there’s already a lock on it. And here: a hijacker, elderly — we can stick him in the butler’s pantry! This is so perfect!

Mother: Now, look, honey! You’re not the one who has to TAKE CARE of them!! [ hands clothes to daughter ] Alright… take this upstairs, dear. [ to Tony Delightful ] Alright, here’s your laundry. [ opens the cell door and hands clothes to Tony Delightful ] I couldn’t get that tomato paste stain outr of your shirt — why don’t you be more careful with your dinner?

Tony Delightful: Well, Mrs. B., how about giving us something else to eat it with, besides, uh, Dixie Cup spoons, huh?

Mother: [ she locks his cell ] Ah, Tony!

Mr. Landick: Yeah, like, who do we have to know to get some real home cookin’? You know what I’m talking about?

[ she slams the closet door on him ]

Father: For Pete’s sake, look at this! We could hire a maid to look after them! Look! The state pays $1,800 a month — for each prisoner we take off their hands. We put in two more, and that’s $9,000 and change!

Mother: Well, honey… NO!!! And I’m not too thrilled about that semi-rehabilitated arsonist we got upstairs in the linen closet! I mean — I mean, why don’t you just help out with some of the chores around here, or something?!

Tony Delightful: Hey! I could take out the garbage!

Mr. Landick: Don’t let him! He will STEAL IT!

Mother: Ahh! [ she slams the closet door shut again ]

Daughter: [ she re-opens the closet door ] Mr. Landick? On the floor back across there, there’s a scarf. Could you get me one that would go with this sweater?

Mr. Landick: [ he hands her a scarf ] There you go!

Mother: Tony! [ she picks up a package ] Did you send away for this welding kit? C.O.D.?!

Tony Delightful: No, no… uh… it was a CONTEST! Uh… I must have won it! Yeah, that’s it! Uh… ME, who never wins anything! [ he laughs ]

Mother: Well, don’t you lie to me! [ she pulls the package away ]

Tony Delightful: Alright. What are you gonna do, overcook my rice?

Father: [ upset ] And look at this phone bill, for $58 worth of calls to San Diego! Who the hell keeps calling San Diego?!

Mr. Landick: I… don’t know anybody… in San Diego.

[ Father lunges at Mr. Landick and slams the clost door ] [ the doorbell rings ]

Mother: Oh, that door! Who could that be? [ she answers the door ] Yes? May I help you?

Marilyn: Yeah, they — they told me — I’m looking for Tony Delightful. I was next door, and they said you had him?

Mother: Well, I’m sorry, honey. Visiting hours aren’t ’til after doing the dinner dishes. You’ll just have to sit down here for a second [ to Father ] Honey, she’s here to see Tony?

Father: Okay, fine, fine…

Mr. Landick: [ peeking out of the closet again ] Hey, lady. This is me. The only thing I’m guilty of is loving well… not wisely.

Mother: [ sarcastically ] Oh, you’re breaking my heart. [ she slams the closet door on him ] [ Marilyn crosses over to Tony’s cell ]

Marilyn: Hi, Tony!

Tony Delightful: Hi, uh — Marilyn. How you been?

Marilyn: Good. Whatcha been doing?

Tony Delightful: Oh, I’ll show ya. [ he picks up a license plate ] Look.

Marilyn: [ impressed ] You made that?!

Tony Delightful: Oh, no, uh — you see, I scraped off “78”. I’m gonna put on “79”. You know, uh, I do it for the cars.

Marilyn: Do you, uh, work in the laundry?

Tony Delightful: No, no — we send it off to the dry cleaners.

Marilyn: Well, uh — how have you been?

Tony Delightful: Aw… I’ve been here. What can I tell ya’? It beats Attica. But it’s not as nice as the Montenaro’s, so…

Marilyn: Montenaro’s?

Tony Delightful: Yeah. You remember that elderly couple I did 2 to 5 with? On Route 62.

Marilyn: Tony, when do you think you’re gonna get out of here?

Tony Delightful: [ whispering ] Me and Landick are gonna bust out of here the next time sher serves lasagna. We’re gonna break off the edges and let it harden, use it as a saw.

[ Marilyn is impressed ] [ a loud banging can be heard upstairs, as Daughter comes rushing down the stairs ]

Mother: What’s going on up there?

Daughter: The one in the linen closet is rioting!

[ Father jumps out of his chair, as Mother pulls out a bullhorn ]

Mother: HOME EMERGENCY!! HOME EMERGENCY!! ALL PRISONERS’ PRIVILEGES MUST BE TERMINATED!! [ scooping up Marilyn ] I’m sorry, honey, you’re gonna have to get out of here!

[ Marilyn is shoved out of the door, as Mr. Landick begins to shout ]

Mother: [ to Daughter ] What does he want?!

Daughter: They want more room! They want to be moved to the guest bathroom!

Father: [ rushes forward, angry ] What’s wrong with the linen closet?!

Daughter: I don’t know…

Father: Well… what’s he have?

Mother: Well, he has our linen, he has our towels, he has our sheets — oh, heck! He has my mother’s lace tablecloth! [ she holds up the bullhorn ] I’M COMING UP THERE TO NEGOTIATE!! [ linens are thrown down at her ] Watch out! Watch out!

[ Mother rushes up the stairs and screams ]

Father: How long does he think he can hold out?

Tony Delightful: There goes OUR towels and sheets, TOO, you know!!

Father: Alright, Henry! We can sleep on dirty sheets longer than you can go without, young man!!

Tony Delightful: Well, I can’t!! I hate dirty sheets and smelly towels!! We’re with you, Henry!! [ he grabs a china cup and begins to rattle the cell bars ] [ Mr. Landick begins to throw clothes out of the closet ] [ Father slams the closet door on Mr. Landick, then rushes toward Tony Delightful ]

Father: And that is our BEST china!! That was a wedding gift!! [ to Daughter ] Alright, get the hose!! Get the hose, hurry up!! [ to his prisoners ] All this is going on your record!! You’re gonna be changing license plates until 2001!! [ he rushes upstairs ]

Tony Delightful: Yeah, well, be nice to the people you meet on the way up, because they’re the same people you’re gonna meet on the way down!! HA HA HA!!!

[ Daughter appears from the kitchen, struggling to pull the garden hose into the living room ] [ Mother comes down the stairs dragging prisoner Henry by his ear ]

Mother: Don’t you have any manners?! The way you messed up my linene closet, you pig! You best get on out of here, I never want to see you again! Get going! [ she kicks Henry out of the front door ] Get out! Get out of here!

[ Father rushes back downstairs, as Tony Delightful smashes the china cup to the floor ]

Mother: Oh, no! Look at my good china! What are you doing, yoooooouuuu pig!! [ she unlocks his cell ] How was you brought up?! [ she yanks him by the ear and pulls him toward the front door ] Don’t you know what’s good for you?! Just get right out of my house this instant!! [ she shoves him out the door, as Father kicks him in the rear end ] I’m sick of you, you old thing!

[ Mother rushes toward the closet ]

Mother: And YOU, Mr. Closet!! [ she unlocks the closet and thrusts the door open ] You just get yourself right out of there right now!! Where were you brought up, on a farm?! Just get going!! [ she shoves Mr. Landick out the front door ] GOOOO!!!

[ Father and Mother slump on the stairwell and adjust to the sudden silence permeating the house, until at last: ]

Father: [ meekly ] Could we get a dog?

[ Mother crinkles her face ] [ pull back, with SUPER: “coming up next… Panty Raid on Entebbe” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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