SNL Transcripts: Frank Zappa: 10/21/78: Baxter Prison

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 3

78c: Frank Zappa

Baxter Prison

Father…..Bill Murray
Mother…..Gilda Radner
Daughter…..Laraine Newman
Mr. Landick…..Garrett Morris
Tony Delightful…..John Belushi
Marilyn…..Jane Curtin
Henry…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on close-up of prisoner Tony Delightful behind bars playing the harmonica ] [ pull back to reveal that prisoner’s cell is the crawl space beneath a flight of stairs in a suburban home ] [ reveal Father working on the family budget at a desk in the foreground, as Daughter enters living room holding clothes ]

Daughter: Hi, Dad! We’re back. You owe me for the cleaning!

Father: Hello, sweetheart. Where’s your mother?

Daughter: She’s just sitting out in the car, looking out that little opera window.

[ she opens the closet door, which is chain-locked. Behind the chain appears the head of Mr. Landick ]

Mr. Landick: Hey, kid? Let me out of here. I’m innocent, I swear!

Daughter: [ she rolls her eyes ] I know you are, Mr. Landick. [ she holds up the clothes ] Could you please hang these up back there? And would you get me my sweater?

Mr. Landick: [ pleading ] I was gonna turn the heroin in, but you can NEVER find a parking space at the Narcotics Bureau!

Tony Delightful: Hey, don’t believe him, kid! He knows more lies than F. Lee Bailey!

Mr. Landick: [ holding up sweaters ] Uh — which one you want, the Betty Boop one or the blue one?

Daughter: The blue one.

Mr. Landick: Oh.

Father: [ stands ] Alright, I’ll go get your mother. Honey, don’t fraternize with the convicts. [ he exits through the kitchen ]

Tony Delightful: Hey, kid! Hey! Kid! [ he waves her over ] Kid! Gimme the phone! Get me, uh — San Diego Zoo on the phone! Area code… 7-1-4… 4-2-2…

Daughter: Why are you always calling the San Diego Zoo?

Tony Delightful: It’s my lawyer. He’s, uh — he’s there. Well, I mean, not always — part-time, you know? Sometimes, you know, he’s there. You know? I mean, uh — he likes it there! I mean, it’s — he likes — IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!! NOW, JUST GET HIM ON THE PHONE!! Ask for Bejamin Latella! Come on!!

Mr. Landick: Can no one hear the dwarf crying out in the wilderness?

Tony Delightful: AH, SHUT UP!!! You’re not in no wilderness! You’re in the hall closet! It’s a HELL of a lot better than being locked up under the stairs!! At least you get to try on hats!!

[ Father and mother re-enter the living room ]

Father: I found a few more! I just got the list of state prisoners you can apply for, look at this. Here! Hit and Run, first offense — now, we could lock him in the guest closet, there’s already a lock on it. And here: a hijacker, elderly — we can stick him in the butler’s pantry! This is so perfect!

Mother: Now, look, honey! You’re not the one who has to TAKE CARE of them!! [ hands clothes to daughter ] Alright… take this upstairs, dear. [ to Tony Delightful ] Alright, here’s your laundry. [ opens the cell door and hands clothes to Tony Delightful ] I couldn’t get that tomato paste stain outr of your shirt — why don’t you be more careful with your dinner?

Tony Delightful: Well, Mrs. B., how about giving us something else to eat it with, besides, uh, Dixie Cup spoons, huh?

Mother: [ she locks his cell ] Ah, Tony!

Mr. Landick: Yeah, like, who do we have to know to get some real home cookin’? You know what I’m talking about?

[ she slams the closet door on him ]

Father: For Pete’s sake, look at this! We could hire a maid to look after them! Look! The state pays $1,800 a month — for each prisoner we take off their hands. We put in two more, and that’s $9,000 and change!

Mother: Well, honey… NO!!! And I’m not too thrilled about that semi-rehabilitated arsonist we got upstairs in the linen closet! I mean — I mean, why don’t you just help out with some of the chores around here, or something?!

Tony Delightful: Hey! I could take out the garbage!

Mr. Landick: Don’t let him! He will STEAL IT!

Mother: Ahh! [ she slams the closet door shut again ]

Daughter: [ she re-opens the closet door ] Mr. Landick? On the floor back across there, there’s a scarf. Could you get me one that would go with this sweater?

Mr. Landick: [ he hands her a scarf ] There you go!

Mother: Tony! [ she picks up a package ] Did you send away for this welding kit? C.O.D.?!

Tony Delightful: No, no… uh… it was a CONTEST! Uh… I must have won it! Yeah, that’s it! Uh… ME, who never wins anything! [ he laughs ]

Mother: Well, don’t you lie to me! [ she pulls the package away ]

Tony Delightful: Alright. What are you gonna do, overcook my rice?

Father: [ upset ] And look at this phone bill, for $58 worth of calls to San Diego! Who the hell keeps calling San Diego?!

Mr. Landick: I… don’t know anybody… in San Diego.

[ Father lunges at Mr. Landick and slams the clost door ] [ the doorbell rings ]

Mother: Oh, that door! Who could that be? [ she answers the door ] Yes? May I help you?

Marilyn: Yeah, they — they told me — I’m looking for Tony Delightful. I was next door, and they said you had him?

Mother: Well, I’m sorry, honey. Visiting hours aren’t ’til after doing the dinner dishes. You’ll just have to sit down here for a second [ to Father ] Honey, she’s here to see Tony?

Father: Okay, fine, fine…

Mr. Landick: [ peeking out of the closet again ] Hey, lady. This is me. The only thing I’m guilty of is loving well… not wisely.

Mother: [ sarcastically ] Oh, you’re breaking my heart. [ she slams the closet door on him ] [ Marilyn crosses over to Tony’s cell ]

Marilyn: Hi, Tony!

Tony Delightful: Hi, uh — Marilyn. How you been?

Marilyn: Good. Whatcha been doing?

Tony Delightful: Oh, I’ll show ya. [ he picks up a license plate ] Look.

Marilyn: [ impressed ] You made that?!

Tony Delightful: Oh, no, uh — you see, I scraped off “78”. I’m gonna put on “79”. You know, uh, I do it for the cars.

Marilyn: Do you, uh, work in the laundry?

Tony Delightful: No, no — we send it off to the dry cleaners.

Marilyn: Well, uh — how have you been?

Tony Delightful: Aw… I’ve been here. What can I tell ya’? It beats Attica. But it’s not as nice as the Montenaro’s, so…

Marilyn: Montenaro’s?

Tony Delightful: Yeah. You remember that elderly couple I did 2 to 5 with? On Route 62.

Marilyn: Tony, when do you think you’re gonna get out of here?

Tony Delightful: [ whispering ] Me and Landick are gonna bust out of here the next time sher serves lasagna. We’re gonna break off the edges and let it harden, use it as a saw.

[ Marilyn is impressed ] [ a loud banging can be heard upstairs, as Daughter comes rushing down the stairs ]

Mother: What’s going on up there?

Daughter: The one in the linen closet is rioting!

[ Father jumps out of his chair, as Mother pulls out a bullhorn ]

Mother: HOME EMERGENCY!! HOME EMERGENCY!! ALL PRISONERS’ PRIVILEGES MUST BE TERMINATED!! [ scooping up Marilyn ] I’m sorry, honey, you’re gonna have to get out of here!

[ Marilyn is shoved out of the door, as Mr. Landick begins to shout ]

Mother: [ to Daughter ] What does he want?!

Daughter: They want more room! They want to be moved to the guest bathroom!

Father: [ rushes forward, angry ] What’s wrong with the linen closet?!

Daughter: I don’t know…

Father: Well… what’s he have?

Mother: Well, he has our linen, he has our towels, he has our sheets — oh, heck! He has my mother’s lace tablecloth! [ she holds up the bullhorn ] I’M COMING UP THERE TO NEGOTIATE!! [ linens are thrown down at her ] Watch out! Watch out!

[ Mother rushes up the stairs and screams ]

Father: How long does he think he can hold out?

Tony Delightful: There goes OUR towels and sheets, TOO, you know!!

Father: Alright, Henry! We can sleep on dirty sheets longer than you can go without, young man!!

Tony Delightful: Well, I can’t!! I hate dirty sheets and smelly towels!! We’re with you, Henry!! [ he grabs a china cup and begins to rattle the cell bars ] [ Mr. Landick begins to throw clothes out of the closet ] [ Father slams the closet door on Mr. Landick, then rushes toward Tony Delightful ]

Father: And that is our BEST china!! That was a wedding gift!! [ to Daughter ] Alright, get the hose!! Get the hose, hurry up!! [ to his prisoners ] All this is going on your record!! You’re gonna be changing license plates until 2001!! [ he rushes upstairs ]

Tony Delightful: Yeah, well, be nice to the people you meet on the way up, because they’re the same people you’re gonna meet on the way down!! HA HA HA!!!

[ Daughter appears from the kitchen, struggling to pull the garden hose into the living room ] [ Mother comes down the stairs dragging prisoner Henry by his ear ]

Mother: Don’t you have any manners?! The way you messed up my linene closet, you pig! You best get on out of here, I never want to see you again! Get going! [ she kicks Henry out of the front door ] Get out! Get out of here!

[ Father rushes back downstairs, as Tony Delightful smashes the china cup to the floor ]

Mother: Oh, no! Look at my good china! What are you doing, yoooooouuuu pig!! [ she unlocks his cell ] How was you brought up?! [ she yanks him by the ear and pulls him toward the front door ] Don’t you know what’s good for you?! Just get right out of my house this instant!! [ she shoves him out the door, as Father kicks him in the rear end ] I’m sick of you, you old thing!

[ Mother rushes toward the closet ]

Mother: And YOU, Mr. Closet!! [ she unlocks the closet and thrusts the door open ] You just get yourself right out of there right now!! Where were you brought up, on a farm?! Just get going!! [ she shoves Mr. Landick out the front door ] GOOOO!!!

[ Father and Mother slump on the stairwell and adjust to the sudden silence permeating the house, until at last: ]

Father: [ meekly ] Could we get a dog?

[ Mother crinkles her face ] [ pull back, with SUPER: “coming up next… Panty Raid on Entebbe” ] [ fade ]

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