SNL Transcripts: Frank Zappa: 10/21/78: Woman to Woman



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 3





78c: Frank Zappa

Woman to Woman

Connie Carson…..Gilda Radner
Mrs. Post…..Jane curtin

[ title card ] [ Music Over: “I Am Woman” ] [ dissolve to Connie Carlson laughing with her off-camera guest ]

Connie Carson: Hello! And welcome to “Woman to Woman”! I’m Connie Carson, a young career woman who’s made a career out of talking to women about women and their careers! Today, I’m talking to a woman who, unlike me, does NOT have a career! Who is, in fact, what has so often been called… a mere housewife! Or, as they say in French — a mere managier! Or, as they say in German — a mere hausefrau! I’d like you to meet Mrs. Henry Post! Well, Henry —

Mrs. Post: [ laughing ] No! No, that’s my husband’s name!

Connie Carson: Oh! [ they share the laugh ] Mrs. Post! Uh — here’s a question on the lips of every single woman over 30 years old in America today. They’re asking: “What’s it like to be married?”

Mrs. Post: Well… physically, spiritually — being married is the ultimate. It’s the pinnacle of what a human being can become. Of course, unless you’ve experienced it for yourself — unless you’ve been happily married, in a good relationship, as I have, with someone who loves you as much as my husband loves me — you couldn’t possibly know the… joy! [ she smiles brightly ]

Connie Carson: [ laughing uncomfortably ] Well, let’s backtrack here for a moment, Mrs. Post — how long have you been married?

Mrs. Post: Ohhhh… let’s see. Time flies so fast when you’re happy. Uhh — five years!

Connie Carson: Five years.

Mrs. Post: Yeah!

Connie Carson: Five long years. [ sadistically ] Do you ever regret your decision to commit to ONE person for an ENTIRE lifetime?

Mrs. Post: Oh! Never! Never, never, never, never, never… [ she laughs ] You know, someone like you, someone who’s all alone, uhh — couldn’t possibly understand, but… I an only tell you that being married is probably the most wonderful thing that a peson can experience!

Connie Carson: [ gritting her teeth behind her smile ] But, Mrs. Post, don’t you feel there’s a whole WEALTH of experience and careers that you’re missing by TOTAL committment to a marriage?

Mrs. Post: [ she shakes her head ] No.

Connie Carson: [ uncomfortably ] Well — Mrs. Post, do you still have your wedding dress?

Mrs. Post: Yes, I do! [ she laughs ]

Connie Carson: Don’t you think it was a waste to buy a dress that you only used one day?

Mrs. Post: I — I’ve worn it since.

Connie Carson: You had it dyed?

Mrs. Post: No, no — it was off-white.

Connie Carson: Oh! [ she laughs uncomfortably ] Well, you must have had to return A LOT of wedding gifts?

Mrs. Post: Oh, strangely enough, there were NO duplications!

Connie Carson: Really? [ desperately trying to bait Mrs. Post ] Well, you must STILL be answering those Thank-You notes! You must have a lot of those to answer!

Mrs. Post: Well, I think I answered them all, but if there’s anyone I left out, can I take this opportunity to thank them? [ she faces the camera ] Thank you all SO much for the gifts, AND for the anniversary ones as well! Thank you! [ she laughs pleasantly ]

Connie Carson: Uhhh — you know, everyone, tomorrow, October 22nd, is Mother-in-Law Day! [ she laughs sadistically ] I myself, a single woman with a career, don’t have to worry about that! What are you doing about Mother-in-Law Day?

Mrs. Post: You know, my mother-in-law and I get along SO well. She calls me with recipes, I call her with remedies for certain illnesses. There’s a wealth of information being exchanged between two women who love each other.

Connie Carson: [ laughing more uncomfortably than ever ] Laundry! What about his dirty, filthy socks?

Mrs. Post: Oh! [ she laughs ] Sorting socks in a point of meditation for me!

Connie Carson: [ annoyed ] Mrs. Post, have you ever gotten up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and the toilet seat is UP?!

Mrs. Post: [ she laughs joyously ] Having grown up in a family with SIX brothers, I ALWAYS check before I sit!

Connie Carson: Come on! Come on, Mrs. Post — after five years, has the romance gone out of your marriage? I mean, no bells are ringing, are they?

Mrs. Post: Let me tell you a little story that happened on my birthday. I was at home, my husband was at home with me, the doorbell rang, and a man appeared at the door with a black coat and a little black cap, and he said, “Mrs. Post, I’m here to take you and your husband on your little trip.” Well, I had no idea. So we went, and we got in the car and we drove up to Connecticut to this BEAUTIFUL inn — it was built about 1810 — and we had a delightful dinner. A wonderful dinner, with wine. Then, we went up to a room, and it was beautifully appointed with antiques and there was a HUGE four-poster bed with wildflowers on the bed table. A blazing fire in the fireplace, and we sat in front of the fire and had hot toddies, and then a GLORIOUS night of passion.

Connie Carson: [ stung ] Was there a bathroom in the room?

Mrs. Post: No. It was down the hall.

Connie Carson: [ pleased at this inconvenience ] Oh. So you had to walk down the hall to the bathroom. [ she smirks ]

Mrs. Post: No. He carried me.

Connie Carson: You see? He had to CARRY her down the hall to the bathroom. THAT’S what married life is, being carried down the hall to the bathroom instead of walking on your own two feet! I’m afraid that’s all the time we have on “Woman to Woman”. I’m Connie Carson, a young career woman who’s made a career out of talking to women about women and their careers! Join us next week, when I’ll be talking to Gloria Steinem, about glasses frames and how to choose them!

[ dissolve to title card ] [ fade ]

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