SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 11/04/78: The Festrunks at the Bar

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 4

78d: Steve Martin / Van Morrison

The Festrunks at the Bar

Male Patron…..Brian Doyle-Murray
Female Patron (background)…..Rosie Shuster
Gayle…..Gilda Radner
Debbie…..Laraine Newman
Linda…..Jane Curtin
Bartender…..Bill Murray
Glenn Johnson…..John Belushi
Yortuk Festrunk…..Dan Aykroyd
Georg Festrunk…..Steve Martin
Second Male Patron…..Tom Davis

[ open on interior, singles bar, as Male Patron exits with an unknown woman, as Gayle, Debbie, and Linda enter the bar ]

Gayle: Hey, Debbie — this looks like a great place. It’s quiet and not too crowded.

Debbie: Yeah, you know, they really fixed it up! I mean, it used to be a blarney stone, you know? One of those Irish roast beef and whiskey bars?

Linda: [ smiling ] I really like that bartender!

[ they approach the bar ]

Bartender: Hi, girls. Welcome to Mixers. What can I get ya’?

Gayle: Uh — whiskey sour.

Debbie: Gin fizz.

Linda: Rusty Nail.

Bartender: Sour, Fizz, and a Nail. [ he snaps his fingers and retreats ] [ Glenn Johnson leans into the bar ]

Glenn Johnson: Excuse me, ladies, uh — can you help me with a little “problem” that I have?

Gayle: Yeah. What is it?

Glenn Johnson: Well, you see, I’m on a LARGE company expense tab this week, and if I spend less than fifty bucks tonight, they’re gonna start cutting me! So, uhhh — I’m gonna have to buy you girls a drink, huh?

Linda: Thanks, but, uh, no thanks.

Glenn Johnson: Hey, you’re not gonna get off THAT easy! I’ll be back! [ he retreats to the main floor ]

Debbie: God, I hope we do better than him tonight.

[ the bartender returns with their drinks ]

Bartender: Ah, relax. He’s probably from out of town, probably read about the place. Don’t worry — our hip crowd hasn’t come in yet.

Gayle: Thanks.

Bartender: Sure thing.

[ the girls take a table ] [ suddenly, Georg and Yortuk Festrunk swing into the place ]

Yortuk Festrunk: Hi, Ted! Get off my back!

Georg Festrunk: Eat my dust!

Bartender: How ’bout it? Can I get you men on something?

George Festrunk: That’s YOUR problem! ONE… is PLEN-TY!

Bartender: How ’bout a couple of brewskis, fellas?

George Festrunk: Don’t MENTION it!

Yortuk Festrunk: Hey, Ted! I’m telling you something now: all night we have cruised the FOX bars, and, yet, NO chicks will agree to SWING with us!

George Festrunk: They were frightened, by our BUL-GES!

Bartender: You sure it’s the bulges, and not those hats?

Yortuk Festrunk: [ confused ] Hats? We brought them WITH us!

George Festrunk: AND! Our tooth-brush-es!

Bartender: Toothbrushes?

George Festrunk: We have many toiletry articles in travel kit, that we carry with us, all the time!

Yortuk Festrunk: [ showing off his case ] You see, this prepares us for a night at any given fox’s pad!

Bartender: Well, I see that you’re fully equipped. [ nodding toward the girls ] There’s three chicks right over there who seem to be available.

Together: FOX-ESSSSS!!!

[ they brush their teeth and swing forward ]

Yortuk Festrunk: Pardon me for a moment, but here’s something: I’m Yortuk Festrunk, and this is my brother Georg. We’re two swinging guys, who enjoy doing many things, and, can COME ON to you now!

George Festrunk: We are… TWO WILD AND CRAZY GUYS!!

Yortuk Festrunk: Well! In order for you to see how swinging we are in America, we must have a swinging rap session here at the bar! So, tell us your names!

Debbie: Uh — I’m Debbie.

Gayle: I-I’m Gayle.

Linda: Linda.

George Festrunk: Clean up your act!

Yortuk Festrunk: Catch you la-ter! [ they laugh at themselves ] Well… Debbie, Gayle, Linda… now that we know your names, let us start a swinging rap session!

George Festrunk: Tell me, Debbie: when you have sex… are you LOUD?

Yortuk Festrunk: LIN-DA! Do you make many NOIS-ES?

Linda: [ aghast ] Excuse me! But, what RIGHT do you guys have to ask us PERSONAL questinos like that?!

[ Glenn Johnson muscles forward ]

Glenn Johnson: Hey, are these guys bothering you?

Linda: Oh, great — our hero.

Yortuk Festrunk: Hi, Swinger! Why don’t you buy a drink for yourself, and enjoy it?

Glenn Johnson: The name’s Glenn Johnson! I don’t like your tone!

George Festrunk: Tone?! COUNT ME IN, Glenn!

Glenn Johnson: Okay, buddy, it’s GO time! [ he whips off his sunglasses ] Let’s go! Come on!

Yortuk Festrunk: Hey, GO TIME!

George Festrunk: Oh, boy!

Yortuk Festrunk: It will be a PARTY tonight, Glenn!

[ Glenn shoves Georg, as the Bartender steps forward and grabs Glenn’s shoulder ]

Bartender: Okay, why don’t you just go outside, okay?

Glenn Johnson: Hey! They were bothering the —

[ Glenn is muscled outside ]

Yortuk Festrunk: Hey, goodbye, Glenn!

George Festrunk: You swinging American! [ they laugh, then return their interests to the girls ] So, Debbie… perhaps you have many electrical devices that you use for SEX!

Yortuk Festrunk: We have, now, a vibrating machine, that we brought from Czechoslavakia! [ he opens his bag and removes a drill with a feather duster attached to the end ]

George Festrunk: A Communist Party official traded it at market for many fuel coupons!

[ Yortuk cranks up the device from a detonator, as Georg rubs the feather duster against the girls’ faces ]

Debbie: Oh, please turn that thing off! We’ve seen enough! That’s very dangerous!

Yortuk Festrunk: [ not getting it ] So? Aren’t you getting HOT yet?

George Festrunk: You know, Debbie… I have PAID for many women WORSE than you!

Yortuk Festrunk: So! Which —

Debbie: [ annoyed ] That’s nice. Thanks a lot.

Yortuk Festrunk: We have talked long enough! Let us choose partners for SEX!

George Festrunk: Here is something! Look at our SLACKS! It is because of YOU, that our pouches are STRETCHING!

Yortuk Festrunk: Now that we have TALKED, and you have EX-CITE-ED us, you must take us to your PADS, to relieve us!

Gayle: Wait a minute, that’s it! You guys are really ignorant! [ to her friends ] Come on, let’s go.

Linda: Yeah.

Yortuk Festrunk: Wait! Wait! Can’t you see enough of our CHEST hairs?!

George Festrunk: The body odor soap that we use ALL the time, makes our chest hairs very CRIS-PY!

[ the girls stand up and leave ]

Yortuk Festrunk: Bye, FOX-ES!!

George Festrunk: Out. To lunch!

Yortuk Festrunk: I love American fox-es! We could NEVER have this great success with chicks back in Czechoslavakia!

George Festrunk: We must cruise again, to this fox bar! [ he turns to the bartender ] Hey, Ted! You are the LOW-EST! [ they laugh ]

Yortuk Festrunk: [ to a couple sitting down ] Hey, you swing-ers! It’s par-ty time! Why don’t you buy yourselves a drink, and EN-JOY it!

[ they start up their feather duster drill one again, as the scene zooms out, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… Acrylic Security Blankets” ] [ fade ]

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