SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 11/04/78: The Festrunks at the Bar


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 4

78d: Steve Martin / Van Morrison

The Festrunks at the Bar

Male Patron…..Brian Doyle-Murray
Female Patron (background)…..Rosie Shuster
Gayle…..Gilda Radner
Debbie…..Laraine Newman
Linda…..Jane Curtin
Bartender…..Bill Murray
Glenn Johnson…..John Belushi
Yortuk Festrunk…..Dan Aykroyd
Georg Festrunk…..Steve Martin
Second Male Patron…..Tom Davis

[ open on interior, singles bar, as Male Patron exits with an unknown woman, as Gayle, Debbie, and Linda enter the bar ]

Gayle: Hey, Debbie — this looks like a great place. It’s quiet and not too crowded.

Debbie: Yeah, you know, they really fixed it up! I mean, it used to be a blarney stone, you know? One of those Irish roast beef and whiskey bars?

Linda: [ smiling ] I really like that bartender!

[ they approach the bar ]

Bartender: Hi, girls. Welcome to Mixers. What can I get ya’?

Gayle: Uh — whiskey sour.

Debbie: Gin fizz.

Linda: Rusty Nail.

Bartender: Sour, Fizz, and a Nail. [ he snaps his fingers and retreats ] [ Glenn Johnson leans into the bar ]

Glenn Johnson: Excuse me, ladies, uh — can you help me with a little “problem” that I have?

Gayle: Yeah. What is it?

Glenn Johnson: Well, you see, I’m on a LARGE company expense tab this week, and if I spend less than fifty bucks tonight, they’re gonna start cutting me! So, uhhh — I’m gonna have to buy you girls a drink, huh?

Linda: Thanks, but, uh, no thanks.

Glenn Johnson: Hey, you’re not gonna get off THAT easy! I’ll be back! [ he retreats to the main floor ]

Debbie: God, I hope we do better than him tonight.

[ the bartender returns with their drinks ]

Bartender: Ah, relax. He’s probably from out of town, probably read about the place. Don’t worry — our hip crowd hasn’t come in yet.

Gayle: Thanks.

Bartender: Sure thing.

[ the girls take a table ] [ suddenly, Georg and Yortuk Festrunk swing into the place ]

Yortuk Festrunk: Hi, Ted! Get off my back!

Georg Festrunk: Eat my dust!

Bartender: How ’bout it? Can I get you men on something?

George Festrunk: That’s YOUR problem! ONE… is PLEN-TY!

Bartender: How ’bout a couple of brewskis, fellas?

George Festrunk: Don’t MENTION it!

Yortuk Festrunk: Hey, Ted! I’m telling you something now: all night we have cruised the FOX bars, and, yet, NO chicks will agree to SWING with us!

George Festrunk: They were frightened, by our BUL-GES!

Bartender: You sure it’s the bulges, and not those hats?

Yortuk Festrunk: [ confused ] Hats? We brought them WITH us!

George Festrunk: AND! Our tooth-brush-es!

Bartender: Toothbrushes?

George Festrunk: We have many toiletry articles in travel kit, that we carry with us, all the time!

Yortuk Festrunk: [ showing off his case ] You see, this prepares us for a night at any given fox’s pad!

Bartender: Well, I see that you’re fully equipped. [ nodding toward the girls ] There’s three chicks right over there who seem to be available.

Together: FOX-ESSSSS!!!

[ they brush their teeth and swing forward ]

Yortuk Festrunk: Pardon me for a moment, but here’s something: I’m Yortuk Festrunk, and this is my brother Georg. We’re two swinging guys, who enjoy doing many things, and, can COME ON to you now!

George Festrunk: We are… TWO WILD AND CRAZY GUYS!!

Yortuk Festrunk: Well! In order for you to see how swinging we are in America, we must have a swinging rap session here at the bar! So, tell us your names!

Debbie: Uh — I’m Debbie.

Gayle: I-I’m Gayle.

Linda: Linda.

George Festrunk: Clean up your act!

Yortuk Festrunk: Catch you la-ter! [ they laugh at themselves ] Well… Debbie, Gayle, Linda… now that we know your names, let us start a swinging rap session!

George Festrunk: Tell me, Debbie: when you have sex… are you LOUD?

Yortuk Festrunk: LIN-DA! Do you make many NOIS-ES?

Linda: [ aghast ] Excuse me! But, what RIGHT do you guys have to ask us PERSONAL questinos like that?!

[ Glenn Johnson muscles forward ]

Glenn Johnson: Hey, are these guys bothering you?

Linda: Oh, great — our hero.

Yortuk Festrunk: Hi, Swinger! Why don’t you buy a drink for yourself, and enjoy it?

Glenn Johnson: The name’s Glenn Johnson! I don’t like your tone!

George Festrunk: Tone?! COUNT ME IN, Glenn!

Glenn Johnson: Okay, buddy, it’s GO time! [ he whips off his sunglasses ] Let’s go! Come on!

Yortuk Festrunk: Hey, GO TIME!

George Festrunk: Oh, boy!

Yortuk Festrunk: It will be a PARTY tonight, Glenn!

[ Glenn shoves Georg, as the Bartender steps forward and grabs Glenn’s shoulder ]

Bartender: Okay, why don’t you just go outside, okay?

Glenn Johnson: Hey! They were bothering the —

[ Glenn is muscled outside ]

Yortuk Festrunk: Hey, goodbye, Glenn!

George Festrunk: You swinging American! [ they laugh, then return their interests to the girls ] So, Debbie… perhaps you have many electrical devices that you use for SEX!

Yortuk Festrunk: We have, now, a vibrating machine, that we brought from Czechoslavakia! [ he opens his bag and removes a drill with a feather duster attached to the end ]

George Festrunk: A Communist Party official traded it at market for many fuel coupons!

[ Yortuk cranks up the device from a detonator, as Georg rubs the feather duster against the girls’ faces ]

Debbie: Oh, please turn that thing off! We’ve seen enough! That’s very dangerous!

Yortuk Festrunk: [ not getting it ] So? Aren’t you getting HOT yet?

George Festrunk: You know, Debbie… I have PAID for many women WORSE than you!

Yortuk Festrunk: So! Which —

Debbie: [ annoyed ] That’s nice. Thanks a lot.

Yortuk Festrunk: We have talked long enough! Let us choose partners for SEX!

George Festrunk: Here is something! Look at our SLACKS! It is because of YOU, that our pouches are STRETCHING!

Yortuk Festrunk: Now that we have TALKED, and you have EX-CITE-ED us, you must take us to your PADS, to relieve us!

Gayle: Wait a minute, that’s it! You guys are really ignorant! [ to her friends ] Come on, let’s go.

Linda: Yeah.

Yortuk Festrunk: Wait! Wait! Can’t you see enough of our CHEST hairs?!

George Festrunk: The body odor soap that we use ALL the time, makes our chest hairs very CRIS-PY!

[ the girls stand up and leave ]

Yortuk Festrunk: Bye, FOX-ES!!

George Festrunk: Out. To lunch!

Yortuk Festrunk: I love American fox-es! We could NEVER have this great success with chicks back in Czechoslavakia!

George Festrunk: We must cruise again, to this fox bar! [ he turns to the bartender ] Hey, Ted! You are the LOW-EST! [ they laugh ]

Yortuk Festrunk: [ to a couple sitting down ] Hey, you swing-ers! It’s par-ty time! Why don’t you buy yourselves a drink, and EN-JOY it!

[ they start up their feather duster drill one again, as the scene zooms out, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… Acrylic Security Blankets” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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