SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 11/04/78: Steve Martin’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 4

78d: Steve Martin / Van Morrison

Steve Martin’s Monologue

…..Steve Martin
…..Bill Murray

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Steve Martin!

[ as the audience cheers, Steve casually walks down to Home Base with a vise on his head and acts as though he is unaware of its presence ]

Steve Martin: Ladies and gentlemen, I have to be honest with you. Uh — I do not feel well tonight. [ laughter ] I woke up this morning with a splitting headache. [ laughter ] It was as though my… head were in a vise. [ he clamps his his fingers as the audience laughs ] I thought it would go away — it hasn’t. I took some aspirin — it did nothing. But I decided to continue with the show anyway. [ he looks offscreen ] Pardon me, what? [ a beat ] There’s a clamp on my head? [ confusion turns to relief, as Steve laughs cheerfully and removes the vise from his head ] Aw, those “Saturday Night” people! They didn’t even tell me! I went through make-up and everything, and nobody said a word!

[ he drops the vise to the floor, then turns serious ]

I know what you’re saying. You’re saying, Oh… I’ll bet he’s on drugs.” [ laughter ] Well, I’ll be honest with you: I used to smoke… marijuana! [ he covers his face in mock shame ] But I would only smoke it… in the late evening. Oh, occasionally, the early evening, or mid-evening. But that was it — the late evening, the early evening, or mid-evening, but that was it, I — ohhh, occasionally, the early morning… or, oh, the mid-morning… maybe the late morning… or, occasionally, the early-mid-late morning! Or, sometimes, the mid-early morning, or… oh, the late afternoon! Sometimes, the mid-early-late afternoon! Never at DUSK! NOOOOOO, I would never smoke it at dusk! Oh, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER!!! Because that’s when the little FAT men would come! And they would DO things to me! They’d go: [he bounces his fingers forward ] “Whoa-oa! Who-oa!” And I LIKED it! [ he laughs wildly ] [ seriously ] But I quit that! I’ve quit ALL drugs. Well… let me say one thing: I twisted my ankle this morning, and I was in quite a bit of pain… so I went to the doctor, and I asked him to give me some pain pills. And he didn’t want to do it, but I talked him into it. So he gave me some pills — and I shouldn’t have done this, but I took some about an hour before the show tonight, and right now… I am high… as a KITE! [ audience cheers ] I mean, it is unbelievable! And I would NEVER say this to you people, but, in this case: if you EVER get a chance, to take these drugs… DO IT! They’re called… [ he glances from side-to-side cautiously ] Placebos! I mean, I’m thinking that right now I have NO idea where I am at all! It is WILD! Placebo!

You know, last time I was on this show, I did a little comedy routine with Bill Murray, and, uh, it worked out pretty well, a little Comedy Pickpocket kind of thing. This time, we decided to do another routine. He’s a great man, let’s bring him out. BILL MURRAY!!

[ Bill Murray rushes out ]

Without sounding corny, Bill is really an artist. He’s an actor, and it’s fun to work with someone with ths kind of knowledge of show business. Bill, take a bow. [ Bill bows gracefully, the audience applauds, and Steve rewards him by placing a cracker in his mouth ] Bill, it’s really a pleasure working with you.

Bill Murray: It’s great working with you, too, Steve.

Steve Martin: Shake. [ he extends his hand ] [ Bill shakes Steve’s hand, and is promptly rewarded with another cracker ]

Steve Martin: Bill, uh — today is November 4th, and I’ll be going on a promotional tour for my new album until November 18th. How many days is that?

Bill Murray: 14.

Steve Martin: And how many weeks?

Bill Murray: Two weeks!

[ Steve rewards Bill with another tasty cracker ]

Steve Martin: Bill, I didn’t bring my banjo with me tonight, and I’m sure the people would love to hear some music. Uh — what’s one of your favorite songs?

Bill Murray: “Mary Had a Little Lamb.”

Steve Martin: Oh, that’s a good tune, uh, maybe you could play it for us a little bit?

[ Steve motions to a stagehand, who brings in a horn set-up like seals play in zoos ]

Bill Murray: S-sure… I’d love to.

[ Bill honks out the tunes with his hand, one note at a time, in a very awkward manner ]

Steve Martin: That’s great, Bill. [ he feeds Bill another cracker ] [ the audience applauds wildly ]

Steve Martin: Bill — Bill, do you think you’d be able to jump through a hoop?

Bill Murray: Sure.

Steve Martin: Okay! Come on out here! [ a stagehand brings in a hoop ] Let’s give it a try and see what happens. [ Steve sets the hoop on fire ] [ Bill hesitates for a moment, then dives headfirst through the blazing hoop with great success, even to his own amazement; the audience goes wild ]

Steve Martin: That’s great! Bill Murray! [ he holds his gaze with the audience; there is no cracker for Bill ] Well, that’s our comedy routine, I think it went real well, and it’s just a real pleasure for me to come back and work with the people at “Saturday Night”. We’ve got a big show ahead of us. [ Bill indicates to the audience that he expects a cracker ] And, uh, I’m anxious to get on with it, because “Saturday Night”‘s a special show for me. I like working with the people, and I like — you know, ALL the people are such great performers, and when we’re together it’s like a rapport. [ Bill tries to peek inside Steve’s pocket, in search of a cracker ] And that’s what I think is fun, is when you have this — [ he gives Bill a dirty look for digging in his pocket ] And, uh — you know, we have a lot of funny things to do tonight, a lot of — [ Bill peeks inside Steve’s upper pocket, as Steve gives him a dirty glance ] And a lot of single pieces, uh, we’ve got music — Van Morrison’s special guest, he’s fabulous, and, uh — [ Bill moves to Steve’s other side, still in search of crackers ] Actually, being on this show is a real thrill, and that’s — that’s what — [ Bill peeks inside Steve’s pocket, to Steve’s annoyance ] Bill! Bill, come on, you don’t get a cracker for this part. I don’t have enough.

Bill Murray: Steve, where’s the cracker? Come on!

Steve Martin: I’m sorry, Bill — we can’t give a cracker after each routine. I mean, that gets to be very expensive.

Bill Murray: We’ve been rehearsing this bit all week long, and every time I jumped through the hoop, you gave me a cracker.

Steve Martin: I’m sorry. We just can’t give a cracker in these kind of acts after each time. It looks like you’re only doing it for the cracker.

Bill Murray: Well, listen, Steve. I’ve never operated on anything but a handshake in this busines, you know? I jumped through the hoop on Monday, you gave me a cracker. Tuesday, I did it again; you gave me another cracker. Wednesday, we didn’t rehearse; I didn’t get a cracker. Thursday and Friday, we did it four times: cracker, cracker, cracker, cracker!

Steve Martin: Well, Bill, I’m sorry. We just can’t give a cracker out each time. I’m sorry, we just can’t do it. [ he turns to the audience ] Ladies and gentlemen —

Bill Murray: Well, maybe I’ll just tell… Jane and Garret and Dan there’s not gonna be a cracker after the show tonight.

Steve Martin: [ nervously ] Come on! You wouldn’t do that!

Bill Murray: I mean, maybe they won’t do the show.

Steve Martin: [ hyperventilating ] Y-y-y-y-you wouldn’t DARE do that!

Bill Murray: Steve. I’m gonna call your bluff. Either you give me a cracker… or I go back to the dressing rooms and spill my guts.

[ Steve hyperventilates more and grits his teeth in disgust ] [ at last, Steve reaches into his pocket and thrusts a cracker in Bill’s mouth ] [ Bill chews the cracker triumphantly ]

Bill Murray: Thanks for the cracker, Steve.

[ Bill exits the stage ]

Steve Martin: Ladies and gentlemen, if I’m gonna have to give a cracker out after each routine tonight, uh, to every member of the cast… this changes things a little bit for me, financially. Uh, I’m gonna have to think about this… and we may or may not be back after this commercial.

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