SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 11/04/78: Steve Martin’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 4

78d: Steve Martin / Van Morrison

Steve Martin’s Monologue

…..Steve Martin
…..Bill Murray

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Steve Martin!

[ as the audience cheers, Steve casually walks down to Home Base with a vise on his head and acts as though he is unaware of its presence ]

Steve Martin: Ladies and gentlemen, I have to be honest with you. Uh — I do not feel well tonight. [ laughter ] I woke up this morning with a splitting headache. [ laughter ] It was as though my… head were in a vise. [ he clamps his his fingers as the audience laughs ] I thought it would go away — it hasn’t. I took some aspirin — it did nothing. But I decided to continue with the show anyway. [ he looks offscreen ] Pardon me, what? [ a beat ] There’s a clamp on my head? [ confusion turns to relief, as Steve laughs cheerfully and removes the vise from his head ] Aw, those “Saturday Night” people! They didn’t even tell me! I went through make-up and everything, and nobody said a word!

[ he drops the vise to the floor, then turns serious ]

I know what you’re saying. You’re saying, Oh… I’ll bet he’s on drugs.” [ laughter ] Well, I’ll be honest with you: I used to smoke… marijuana! [ he covers his face in mock shame ] But I would only smoke it… in the late evening. Oh, occasionally, the early evening, or mid-evening. But that was it — the late evening, the early evening, or mid-evening, but that was it, I — ohhh, occasionally, the early morning… or, oh, the mid-morning… maybe the late morning… or, occasionally, the early-mid-late morning! Or, sometimes, the mid-early morning, or… oh, the late afternoon! Sometimes, the mid-early-late afternoon! Never at DUSK! NOOOOOO, I would never smoke it at dusk! Oh, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER!!! Because that’s when the little FAT men would come! And they would DO things to me! They’d go: [he bounces his fingers forward ] “Whoa-oa! Who-oa!” And I LIKED it! [ he laughs wildly ] [ seriously ] But I quit that! I’ve quit ALL drugs. Well… let me say one thing: I twisted my ankle this morning, and I was in quite a bit of pain… so I went to the doctor, and I asked him to give me some pain pills. And he didn’t want to do it, but I talked him into it. So he gave me some pills — and I shouldn’t have done this, but I took some about an hour before the show tonight, and right now… I am high… as a KITE! [ audience cheers ] I mean, it is unbelievable! And I would NEVER say this to you people, but, in this case: if you EVER get a chance, to take these drugs… DO IT! They’re called… [ he glances from side-to-side cautiously ] Placebos! I mean, I’m thinking that right now I have NO idea where I am at all! It is WILD! Placebo!

You know, last time I was on this show, I did a little comedy routine with Bill Murray, and, uh, it worked out pretty well, a little Comedy Pickpocket kind of thing. This time, we decided to do another routine. He’s a great man, let’s bring him out. BILL MURRAY!!

[ Bill Murray rushes out ]

Without sounding corny, Bill is really an artist. He’s an actor, and it’s fun to work with someone with ths kind of knowledge of show business. Bill, take a bow. [ Bill bows gracefully, the audience applauds, and Steve rewards him by placing a cracker in his mouth ] Bill, it’s really a pleasure working with you.

Bill Murray: It’s great working with you, too, Steve.

Steve Martin: Shake. [ he extends his hand ] [ Bill shakes Steve’s hand, and is promptly rewarded with another cracker ]

Steve Martin: Bill, uh — today is November 4th, and I’ll be going on a promotional tour for my new album until November 18th. How many days is that?

Bill Murray: 14.

Steve Martin: And how many weeks?

Bill Murray: Two weeks!

[ Steve rewards Bill with another tasty cracker ]

Steve Martin: Bill, I didn’t bring my banjo with me tonight, and I’m sure the people would love to hear some music. Uh — what’s one of your favorite songs?

Bill Murray: “Mary Had a Little Lamb.”

Steve Martin: Oh, that’s a good tune, uh, maybe you could play it for us a little bit?

[ Steve motions to a stagehand, who brings in a horn set-up like seals play in zoos ]

Bill Murray: S-sure… I’d love to.

[ Bill honks out the tunes with his hand, one note at a time, in a very awkward manner ]

Steve Martin: That’s great, Bill. [ he feeds Bill another cracker ] [ the audience applauds wildly ]

Steve Martin: Bill — Bill, do you think you’d be able to jump through a hoop?

Bill Murray: Sure.

Steve Martin: Okay! Come on out here! [ a stagehand brings in a hoop ] Let’s give it a try and see what happens. [ Steve sets the hoop on fire ] [ Bill hesitates for a moment, then dives headfirst through the blazing hoop with great success, even to his own amazement; the audience goes wild ]

Steve Martin: That’s great! Bill Murray! [ he holds his gaze with the audience; there is no cracker for Bill ] Well, that’s our comedy routine, I think it went real well, and it’s just a real pleasure for me to come back and work with the people at “Saturday Night”. We’ve got a big show ahead of us. [ Bill indicates to the audience that he expects a cracker ] And, uh, I’m anxious to get on with it, because “Saturday Night”‘s a special show for me. I like working with the people, and I like — you know, ALL the people are such great performers, and when we’re together it’s like a rapport. [ Bill tries to peek inside Steve’s pocket, in search of a cracker ] And that’s what I think is fun, is when you have this — [ he gives Bill a dirty look for digging in his pocket ] And, uh — you know, we have a lot of funny things to do tonight, a lot of — [ Bill peeks inside Steve’s upper pocket, as Steve gives him a dirty glance ] And a lot of single pieces, uh, we’ve got music — Van Morrison’s special guest, he’s fabulous, and, uh — [ Bill moves to Steve’s other side, still in search of crackers ] Actually, being on this show is a real thrill, and that’s — that’s what — [ Bill peeks inside Steve’s pocket, to Steve’s annoyance ] Bill! Bill, come on, you don’t get a cracker for this part. I don’t have enough.

Bill Murray: Steve, where’s the cracker? Come on!

Steve Martin: I’m sorry, Bill — we can’t give a cracker after each routine. I mean, that gets to be very expensive.

Bill Murray: We’ve been rehearsing this bit all week long, and every time I jumped through the hoop, you gave me a cracker.

Steve Martin: I’m sorry. We just can’t give a cracker in these kind of acts after each time. It looks like you’re only doing it for the cracker.

Bill Murray: Well, listen, Steve. I’ve never operated on anything but a handshake in this busines, you know? I jumped through the hoop on Monday, you gave me a cracker. Tuesday, I did it again; you gave me another cracker. Wednesday, we didn’t rehearse; I didn’t get a cracker. Thursday and Friday, we did it four times: cracker, cracker, cracker, cracker!

Steve Martin: Well, Bill, I’m sorry. We just can’t give a cracker out each time. I’m sorry, we just can’t do it. [ he turns to the audience ] Ladies and gentlemen —

Bill Murray: Well, maybe I’ll just tell… Jane and Garret and Dan there’s not gonna be a cracker after the show tonight.

Steve Martin: [ nervously ] Come on! You wouldn’t do that!

Bill Murray: I mean, maybe they won’t do the show.

Steve Martin: [ hyperventilating ] Y-y-y-y-you wouldn’t DARE do that!

Bill Murray: Steve. I’m gonna call your bluff. Either you give me a cracker… or I go back to the dressing rooms and spill my guts.

[ Steve hyperventilates more and grits his teeth in disgust ] [ at last, Steve reaches into his pocket and thrusts a cracker in Bill’s mouth ] [ Bill chews the cracker triumphantly ]

Bill Murray: Thanks for the cracker, Steve.

[ Bill exits the stage ]

Steve Martin: Ladies and gentlemen, if I’m gonna have to give a cracker out after each routine tonight, uh, to every member of the cast… this changes things a little bit for me, financially. Uh, I’m gonna have to think about this… and we may or may not be back after this commercial.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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