SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 11/04/78: The Nerds In The Hospital


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 4

78d: Steve Martin / Van Morrison

The Nerds In The Hospital

Grant Robinson…..Garrett Morris
Lisa Loopner…..Gilda Radner
Todd DiLamuca…..Bill Murray
Charles Knerlman…..Steve Martin
Enid Loopner…..Jane Curtin
Nurse…..Garrett Morris

[ open on interior, Hospital – a knock at the door, as Grant Robinson enters ]

Grant Robinson: Hello? Hello? Lisa?

Lisa Loopner: Coming!!

[ a toilet flushes offscreen, then Lisa enters from the bathroom ]

Lisa Loopner: Hi!

Grant Robinson: Hi. You remember me? I met you at the Science Fair?

Lisa Loopner: Oh, that’s right! You had the booth, “Fun With Friction”!

Grant Robinson: Yeah.

Lisa Loopner: Well, it’s really nice of you to come and visit me at the hospital, considering I can’t even remember your name.

Grant Robinson: Oh! I’m… Grant Robinson, Jr., from High Temple High. My mother works here at the hospital. My books are out there. I come to do my homework here.

Lisa Loopner: Oh! Thanks, Grant!

[ Mrs. Loopner enters the room ]

Mrs. Loopner: Hi, Lisa!

Lisa Loopner: Hi, Mom! [ she climbs into bed ]

Mrs. Loopner: [ looking at Grant ] Oh, Lisa — why don’t you introduce me to your nice, young, Negro friend?

Grant Robinson: Uh, uh — I’m Grant Robinson, Jr., ?? High. Uh, my mother works in the hospital.

Mrs. Loopner: [ she laughs ] Doesn’t Lisa look well?

Grant Robinson: Uhh — what’s she got?

Lisa Loopner: Oh, it’s just a stupid deviated septum! They’re gonna operate on me tomorrow! They just need to move this little bit of cartilege in my nose!

Grant Robinson: Oh, would it, uh, change the way you speak?

Lisa Loopner: I hope not!

Grant Robinson: Well, uh — you wouldn’t want to buy any chocolate to support our baseball team, the Blue Devils, would you?

Lisa Loopner: Uhhh — no thanks, Grant!

Grant Robinson: I didn’t think so! Uh, well — gotta go. See ya!

[ Grant exits the room ]

Lisa Loopner: Bye!

Mrs. Loopner: Lisa? Will you be all right alone for a minute? I just want to get a cup of that delicious hospital cafeteria coffee!

Lisa Loopner: Sure, Mom! I’ll see you later!

[ Mrs. Loopner exits the room ] [ Lisa sits on the hospital bed blowing her nose, as Todd enters with his eyes covered ]

Todd DiLamuca: Guess who?

Lisa Loopner: Oh! Um.. John Travolta?

Todd DiLamuca: Oh, you’re getting warm..

Lisa Loopner: Oh, Paul Michael Glazer?

Todd DiLamuca: Oh you’re boiling hot now!

Lisa Loopner: Oh I know.. Mork!

Todd DiLamuca: The poor child is delirious, she no longer recognizes the velvet touch of the always fabulous, never less than sensational Todd DiLamuca!

Lisa Loopner: Oh. Hi, Todd.

Todd DiLamuca: How are you feeling, Lisa?

Lisa Loopner: Oh, I’m feeling fine.

Todd DiLamuca: Go on, ask me how I’m feeling.

Lisa Loopner: Okay, how are you feeling?

Todd DiLamuca: [ grabs Lisa’s chest ] With my hands!

Lisa Loopner: Cut it out, cut it out!

Todd DiLamuca: Oh, my God, you’ve had your busts removed! If that’s your hope chest, keep hoping, Lisa.

Lisa Loopner: Oh, that’s so funny I forgot to laugh!

Todd DiLamuca: Oh, oh, here comes the noogie ambulance! [ starts to pound Lisa’s head ] Here’s those special get well noogies – don’t worry, my dear, these have all been sterilized! What a tragedy!

Lisa Loopner: [ hits Todd with pillow ] Cut it out, Pizzaface!

[ the door knocks, Charles Knerlman enters ]

Lisa Loopner: Come in.. whoa.. [ lies down and begins to look ill ]

Todd DiLamuca: Oh no, its Chaz “The Spaz” Knerlman!

Charles Knerlman: How’s it hanging, Pizzaface?

Todd DiLamuca: Wouldn’t you like to know.

Charles Knerlman: Why don’t you put an egg in your shoe, and beat it! Lisa, I would’ve been here sooner, but I was out buying these expensive gifts – these flowers, these expensive chocolates, and this record, “Marvin Hamlish Does it to Marvin Hamlish”.

Lisa Loopner: Oh, thank you, Charles. This is the happiest day of my life.. [ begins to feel sorry for herself] ..and even if it is cut tragically short by illness..

Charles Knerlman: And here’s a greeting card I thoughtfully made you with my own two hands.

Lisa Loopner: [ reads card out loud ] “Dear Lisa, to a great gal with a deviated septum, she won a friend and always kept ’em, finest regards from that friend, Charles Knerlman.”

Charles Knerlman: President of the Science Club!

[ Todd pretends to be sick ]

Lisa Loopner: Oh, it’s beautiful, Charles!

Todd DiLamuca: Oh, Lisa, I forgot to give you my gift. Here’s a buck, I forgot to wrap it!

Lisa Loopner: [ sarcastically ] Gee, thanks, Todd!

Charles Knerlman: So, how are you, Lisa?

Lisa Loopner: Well, the doctors don’t know for sure, but don’t worry, I believe in reincarnation!

Charles Knerlman: Oh, you’re so brave, Lisa. You remind me of me!

Lisa Loopner: Oh, Charles, how is our school? I so miss learning!

Charles Knerlman: Don’t worry, Lisa, ’cause I considerately brought you all you homework assignments for the next two weeks in advance.

Todd DiLamuca: Wait a minute.. I thought I was bringing you your homework! But I guess you wont be needing it, now you’re getting it somewhere else!

Lisa Loopner: It’s not what you think, Todd!

Charles Knerlman: Anyways, it’s none of your beeswax!

Todd DiLamuca: Why don’t you shut up, Spazalopolis! Shame on you, Lisa, taking homework from two guys and never letting either one know where it’s really at!

Lisa Loopner: [ dramatic ] Oh, Charles, would you help me sit up? I would like to see the sunset for one last time.

Charles Knerlman: Certainly!

Todd DiLamuca: I’ll do that! [ grabs the end of the bed ]

Charles Knerlman: I got it! [ plays with the remote ]

Lisa Loopner: Aggghhh! Watch it, Todd! [ she becomes trapped between the bending mattress ]

Todd DiLamuca: I have it, Knerlman!

Lisa Loopner: Stop it!

Charles Knerlman: I got it, I got it! [ stops and takes Todd’s pencil pocket protector ]

Todd DiLamuca: Hey, give me back that pencil pocket protector!

Charles Knerlman: [ stabs it with his pencil ] Here’s what I think of your stupid, dumb pocket protector, you stupid, dumb nerd! [ takes a pencil and tries to snap it, Todd snatches it and snaps it for him ]

Todd DiLamuca: Well, I see you don’t play by the rules, Knerlman. Well, neither do I! Say.. what’s that? [ points at his vest ]

Charles Knerlman: What’s what?

Todd DiLamuca: Ha! [ grabs his vest and pulls it over his head, then throws him onto the bed with Lisa and jumps on them ]

Hee ya! Hee ya!!

Lisa Loopner: Stop it, Todd!

[ Todd continues, as Mrs. Loopner enters ]

Mrs. Loopner: Hi, kids! ..oohhhh! [ Todd and Charles jump up ]

Todd & Charles: Hell-o, Mrs. Loop-ner..

Mrs. Loopner: Forty lashes with a wet noodle for you two young men. [ fixes the bed ]

Lisa Loopner: Thanks, Mom!

[ Nurse Robinson enters ]

Nurse: Well, visiting hours are over, you’re going to have to leave now, its time to go.

Charles Knerlman: Good luck with the operation tomorrow, Lisa.

Lisa Loopner: Thank you, Charles!

Todd DiLamuca: Yeah, I sincerely hope that the doctors hand doesn’t slip and you end up with a deviated face!

Lisa Loopner: Well, if I die, I’m donating my organs to science and my skin to you, Pizzaface! [ flicks his face ]

Charles Knerlman: Goodnight, ladies.. and boys! [ Todd chases him out ]

Mrs. Loopner: Now, Lisa, get some sleep and don’t be scared. When you wake up, I’ll be in the recovery room with bells on.

Lisa Loopner: I’m not scared, Mom. [ hugs her, then Mrs. Loopner exits ] Hey, are you Mrs. Robinson?

Nurse: Yes, Honey.

Lisa Loopner: I know your son Grant. He’s somewhere in the building.

Nurse: I know you do, dear. Now, get some sleep. You have a big day ahead of you!

Lisa Loopner: Goodnight, Mrs. Robinson.

Nurse: Goodnight, dear. [ exits and turns out the light ] [ Lisa waits until she leaves, then gets up and switches on the light and gets her teddy bear. She hops into bed, breathing heavily, and goes to sleep ] [ camera pulls back, with SUPER: “did you know… That Billy the Kid’s real name was William the Youth” ] [ fade out to black ]

Submitted by: Rebecca Green

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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