Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 4
78d: Steve Martin / Van Morrison
The Nerds In The Hospital
Grant Robinson…..Garrett Morris
Lisa Loopner…..Gilda Radner
Todd DiLamuca…..Bill Murray
Charles Knerlman…..Steve Martin
Enid Loopner…..Jane Curtin
Nurse…..Garrett Morris
[ open on interior, Hospital – a knock at the door, as Grant Robinson enters ]
Grant Robinson: Hello? Hello? Lisa?
Lisa Loopner: Coming!!
[ a toilet flushes offscreen, then Lisa enters from the bathroom ]
Lisa Loopner: Hi!
Grant Robinson: Hi. You remember me? I met you at the Science Fair?
Lisa Loopner: Oh, that’s right! You had the booth, “Fun With Friction”!
Grant Robinson: Yeah.
Lisa Loopner: Well, it’s really nice of you to come and visit me at the hospital, considering I can’t even remember your name.
Grant Robinson: Oh! I’m… Grant Robinson, Jr., from High Temple High. My mother works here at the hospital. My books are out there. I come to do my homework here.
Lisa Loopner: Oh! Thanks, Grant!
[ Mrs. Loopner enters the room ]
Mrs. Loopner: Hi, Lisa!
Lisa Loopner: Hi, Mom! [ she climbs into bed ]
Mrs. Loopner: [ looking at Grant ] Oh, Lisa — why don’t you introduce me to your nice, young, Negro friend?
Grant Robinson: Uh, uh — I’m Grant Robinson, Jr., ?? High. Uh, my mother works in the hospital.
Mrs. Loopner: [ she laughs ] Doesn’t Lisa look well?
Grant Robinson: Uhh — what’s she got?
Lisa Loopner: Oh, it’s just a stupid deviated septum! They’re gonna operate on me tomorrow! They just need to move this little bit of cartilege in my nose!
Grant Robinson: Oh, would it, uh, change the way you speak?
Lisa Loopner: I hope not!
Grant Robinson: Well, uh — you wouldn’t want to buy any chocolate to support our baseball team, the Blue Devils, would you?
Lisa Loopner: Uhhh — no thanks, Grant!
Grant Robinson: I didn’t think so! Uh, well — gotta go. See ya!
[ Grant exits the room ]
Lisa Loopner: Bye!
Mrs. Loopner: Lisa? Will you be all right alone for a minute? I just want to get a cup of that delicious hospital cafeteria coffee!
Lisa Loopner: Sure, Mom! I’ll see you later!
[ Mrs. Loopner exits the room ]
[ Lisa sits on the hospital bed blowing her nose, as Todd enters with his eyes covered ]
Todd DiLamuca: Guess who?
Lisa Loopner: Oh! Um.. John Travolta?
Todd DiLamuca: Oh, you’re getting warm..
Lisa Loopner: Oh, Paul Michael Glazer?
Todd DiLamuca: Oh you’re boiling hot now!
Lisa Loopner: Oh I know.. Mork!
Todd DiLamuca: The poor child is delirious, she no longer recognizes the velvet touch of the always fabulous, never less than sensational Todd DiLamuca!
Lisa Loopner: Oh. Hi, Todd.
Todd DiLamuca: How are you feeling, Lisa?
Lisa Loopner: Oh, I’m feeling fine.
Todd DiLamuca: Go on, ask me how I’m feeling.
Lisa Loopner: Okay, how are you feeling?
Todd DiLamuca: [ grabs Lisa’s chest ] With my hands!
Lisa Loopner: Cut it out, cut it out!
Todd DiLamuca: Oh, my God, you’ve had your busts removed! If that’s your hope chest, keep hoping, Lisa.
Lisa Loopner: Oh, that’s so funny I forgot to laugh!
Todd DiLamuca: Oh, oh, here comes the noogie ambulance! [ starts to pound Lisa’s head ] Here’s those special get well noogies – don’t worry, my dear, these have all been sterilized! What a tragedy!
Lisa Loopner: [ hits Todd with pillow ] Cut it out, Pizzaface!
[ the door knocks, Charles Knerlman enters ]
Lisa Loopner: Come in.. whoa.. [ lies down and begins to look ill ]
Todd DiLamuca: Oh no, its Chaz “The Spaz” Knerlman!
Charles Knerlman: How’s it hanging, Pizzaface?
Todd DiLamuca: Wouldn’t you like to know.
Charles Knerlman: Why don’t you put an egg in your shoe, and beat it! Lisa, I would’ve been here sooner, but I was out buying these expensive gifts – these flowers, these expensive chocolates, and this record, “Marvin Hamlish Does it to Marvin Hamlish”.
Lisa Loopner: Oh, thank you, Charles. This is the happiest day of my life.. [ begins to feel sorry for herself] ..and even if it is cut tragically short by illness..
Charles Knerlman: And here’s a greeting card I thoughtfully made you with my own two hands.
Lisa Loopner: [ reads card out loud ] “Dear Lisa, to a great gal with a deviated septum, she won a friend and always kept ’em, finest regards from that friend, Charles Knerlman.”
Charles Knerlman: President of the Science Club!
[ Todd pretends to be sick ]
Lisa Loopner: Oh, it’s beautiful, Charles!
Todd DiLamuca: Oh, Lisa, I forgot to give you my gift. Here’s a buck, I forgot to wrap it!
Lisa Loopner: [ sarcastically ] Gee, thanks, Todd!
Charles Knerlman: So, how are you, Lisa?
Lisa Loopner: Well, the doctors don’t know for sure, but don’t worry, I believe in reincarnation!
Charles Knerlman: Oh, you’re so brave, Lisa. You remind me of me!
Lisa Loopner: Oh, Charles, how is our school? I so miss learning!
Charles Knerlman: Don’t worry, Lisa, ’cause I considerately brought you all you homework assignments for the next two weeks in advance.
Todd DiLamuca: Wait a minute.. I thought I was bringing you your homework! But I guess you wont be needing it, now you’re getting it somewhere else!
Lisa Loopner: It’s not what you think, Todd!
Charles Knerlman: Anyways, it’s none of your beeswax!
Todd DiLamuca: Why don’t you shut up, Spazalopolis! Shame on you, Lisa, taking homework from two guys and never letting either one know where it’s really at!
Lisa Loopner: [ dramatic ] Oh, Charles, would you help me sit up? I would like to see the sunset for one last time.
Charles Knerlman: Certainly!
Todd DiLamuca: I’ll do that! [ grabs the end of the bed ]
Charles Knerlman: I got it! [ plays with the remote ]
Lisa Loopner: Aggghhh! Watch it, Todd! [ she becomes trapped between the bending mattress ]
Todd DiLamuca: I have it, Knerlman!
Lisa Loopner: Stop it!
Charles Knerlman: I got it, I got it! [ stops and takes Todd’s pencil pocket protector ]
Todd DiLamuca: Hey, give me back that pencil pocket protector!
Charles Knerlman: [ stabs it with his pencil ] Here’s what I think of your stupid, dumb pocket protector, you stupid, dumb nerd! [ takes a pencil and tries to snap it, Todd snatches it and snaps it for him ]
Todd DiLamuca: Well, I see you don’t play by the rules, Knerlman. Well, neither do I! Say.. what’s that? [ points at his vest ]
Charles Knerlman: What’s what?
Todd DiLamuca: Ha! [ grabs his vest and pulls it over his head, then throws him onto the bed with Lisa and jumps on them ]
Hee ya! Hee ya!!
Lisa Loopner: Stop it, Todd!
[ Todd continues, as Mrs. Loopner enters ]
Mrs. Loopner: Hi, kids! ..oohhhh! [ Todd and Charles jump up ]
Todd & Charles: Hell-o, Mrs. Loop-ner..
Mrs. Loopner: Forty lashes with a wet noodle for you two young men. [ fixes the bed ]
Lisa Loopner: Thanks, Mom!
[ Nurse Robinson enters ]
Nurse: Well, visiting hours are over, you’re going to have to leave now, its time to go.
Charles Knerlman: Good luck with the operation tomorrow, Lisa.
Lisa Loopner: Thank you, Charles!
Todd DiLamuca: Yeah, I sincerely hope that the doctors hand doesn’t slip and you end up with a deviated face!
Lisa Loopner: Well, if I die, I’m donating my organs to science and my skin to you, Pizzaface! [ flicks his face ]
Charles Knerlman: Goodnight, ladies.. and boys! [ Todd chases him out ]
Mrs. Loopner: Now, Lisa, get some sleep and don’t be scared. When you wake up, I’ll be in the recovery room with bells on.
Lisa Loopner: I’m not scared, Mom. [ hugs her, then Mrs. Loopner exits ] Hey, are you Mrs. Robinson?
Nurse: Yes, Honey.
Lisa Loopner: I know your son Grant. He’s somewhere in the building.
Nurse: I know you do, dear. Now, get some sleep. You have a big day ahead of you!
Lisa Loopner: Goodnight, Mrs. Robinson.
Nurse: Goodnight, dear. [ exits and turns out the light ]
[ Lisa waits until she leaves, then gets up and switches on the light and gets her teddy bear. She hops into bed, breathing heavily, and goes to sleep ]
[ camera pulls back, with SUPER: “did you know… That Billy the Kid’s real name was William the Youth” ]
[ fade out to black ]
Submitted by: Rebecca Green
