SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 11/04/78: The Annoying Waiter



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 4




78d: Steve Martin / Van Morrison

The Annoying Waiter

…..Steve Martin
…..Gilda Radner
Waiter…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on Steve and Gilda seated at intimate table in a restaurant ]

Steve Martin: Boy, Gilda… it’s great to finally get out of that studio.

Gilda Radner: I’ll say.

Steve Martin: It’s nice to be able to spend some time with someone alone, Gilda. You know, this is the sixth show I’ve done, and, uh, I feel we’ve become good friends, almost kindred spirits.

Gilda Radner: Yeah, I know just how you feel, Steve.

Steve Martin: Gilda… there’s something I have to talk to you about.

Gilda Radner: Yeah?

[ suddenly, the Waiter appears ]

Waiter: Your menus!

Gilda Radner: Oh… thank you.

Steve Martin: Thanks.

Waiter: You’re welcome. You know, I’m very honored to have you here. I’m a big fan of both of yours. You know, when I saw it was you and Miss Radner, I made sure the chef would stay an extra hour. We were about to close, but everything’s fine now.

Gilda Radner: Thank you very much. I can’t tell you how nice it is to eat in a restaurant alone.

Steve Martin: Thanks for keeping the place open for us.

Waiter: Okay. I’m sure you get bothered a lot, you know?

Steve Martin: Ah, sometimes. I’ll have the vegetable plate.

Waiter: Uh, may I recommend the lamb chops, they’re especially good.

Steve Martin: Well, I’m a vegetarian, so…

Waiter: [ trying to lighten the mood ] “Well, excu-u-u-u-u-use MEEEE!! [ he laughs alone ]

Gilda Radner: Uh, I’ll have the lamb chops.

Waiter: Uh, how would you like them?

Gilda Radner: Uh, well done.

Waiter: Oh… no… [ still trying to be funny ] “Rams are well hung. Lambs… are not well hung.”

Gilda Radner: I-I said “well done.”

Waiter: [ in a squeaky voice ] “Oh, never mind! [ he laughs as he retreats to the kitchen ]

Steve Martin: Uh, Gilda — my girlfriend and I are very close, and, uh, I’ve just been — well, I just found out that she has a very terminal illness, and I was wondering if you could help me with this very difficult period.

Gilda Radner: Oh, Steve… w-why that’s terrible… and, yet, it sounds very intriguing.

[ the waiter returns ]

Waiter: A complimentary bottle of wine, from me, the waiter, Richie Roberts… to a WILD AND CRAZY GUY!!! [ he laughs, then turns to Gilda ] And to a wild and cwazy… BABA WAWA!! Wight, Baba! [ he laughs as he walks away ]

Gilda Radner: Right… right… [ to Steve ] Uh, so how long does your girlfriend have to live?

Steve Martin: Uh, just a matter of months, maybe weeks. She’s the… she told me that you were the one girl she wouldn’t mind me seeing while she was dying.

Gilda Radner: Oh, she must be a wonderful, wonderful woman.[ the waiter stamps back to the table, singing “Happy Feet” as he carries the salads ]

Waiter: I hope you don’t find any toenails or boogers in the salad… Rosanne Rosannadanna! [ he chuckles ]

Steve Martin: Look, we appreciate what you’re doing, but we’re talking about something very intimate, and we’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t bother us, alright?

Gilda Radner: Yeah.

Waiter: “Well, excu-u-u-u-use MEEE!!”

Steve Martin: LOOK! Would you just LEAVE US ALONE and stop bothering us, please!

Waiter: “Well, excu-u-u-u-use MEEE!!”

Steve Martin: [ outraged ] KNOCK IT OFF!! WE ARE HUMAN BEINGS, WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO SOME PRIVACY!!!

Waiter: Aw, come on! Why did you go into show business, anyway?! To be famous, right?

Steve Martin: NO!! We wanted to be ARTISTS!!

Waiter: Well, then… why did you go on the Bob Hope special?

Steve Martin: [ stung ] Well… it’s Bob Hope’s special! You do that! Yuo do “THe Tonight Show”, everything! You do “Saturday Night Live” —

[ Steve continues to yell at the waiter, as time runs out, the audience cheers, and the final bumper appears onscreen ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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