Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 5
More Flu to Worry About
Joan Face…..Jane Curtin
Dr. Ike Bodanza…..Buck Henry
[ opening graphics ] [ dissolve to Joan Face ]
Joan Face: Good evening, and welcome to “More Flu to Worry About”. I’m your host, Joan Face, and tonight’s guest, Dr. Ike Bodanza, is well known for his work in isolating new strains of flu virus. Dr. Bodanza, it already seems like there’s been one flu scare after another: Asian Flu, Swine Flu, Russian Flu. And now, pathologists predict that in the ’80’s, entire populations will be WIPED OUT by massive flu epidemics. You know, like the Bubonic Plague in the Middle Ages?
Dr. Ike Bodanza: [ chuckling ] Ye-es! There’s no point in sugarcoating the truth, Miss Face. When it comes to flu, the ’80’s are gonna be pretty grim.
Joan Face: Well, Dr. Bodanza, the viewers of this show don’t tune in to listen to fairy tales. By and large, they’re either flu specialists or hypochondriacs — and they want to hear the worst.
Dr. Ike Bodanza: [ excited ] Good! Because people who just want to hear about the mild, gentle, good flus make me sick!
Joan Face: Okay! So what’s the most horrible of the new Fall flus?
Dr. Ike Bodanza: Well, alright — hold on a minute. I’d hate to single one out, when there are so many. There’s Danish Flu, Pakistani Flu, the Toad Flu —
Joan Face: Toad Flu! Now, isn’t that the one where, instead of vomiting and diarrhea, everything backs up and down inside your body until you explode?
Dr. Ike Bodanza: Exactly! It’s a grisly business for the close relatives, Miss Face.
Joan Face: [ she chuckles ] Oh, yes, I know. My aunt had it. It was terrible, we had to re-paper the entire house!
Dr. Ike Bodanza: Now, I KNOW you want to ask me about this one.
Joan Face: If it’s about flu, I do.
Dr. Ike Bodanza: The most disturbing new microbe of all: the Australian Flu. This is one stunningly obnoxious virus.
Joan Face: Really? Go on.
Dr. Ike Bodanza: Well, first off: They love to travel. This virus can’t wait to get out of Australia, and into your body — and who can blame them?
Joan Face: Well, has it, uh — has it reached America yet?
Dr. Ike Bodanza: Miss Face, at present there are THREE carriers of Australian Flu living in the United States.
Joan Face: Really! You keep tabs on them?
Dr. Ike Bodanza: Absolutely.
Joan Face: Well, who are they!
Dr. Ike Bodanza: Olivia Newton-John, Helen Reddy, and Lana Cantrell.
Joan Face: Well, how did you pin it down on them?
Dr. Ike Bodanza: We observed the highest incidence of infection occurred whenever Olivia, Helen, or Lana did a club date.
Joan Face: Well, what about the millions and millions of children going to see “Grease” five, six, seven times?
Dr. Ike Bodanza: No, no, no. It’s only spread through personal appearances.
Joan Face: Oh, thank God. Well, what are these symptoms of Australian Flu?
Dr. Ike Bodanza: Imagine, if you will, Miss Face, a tiny 747 jam-packed with Australian tourists — viruses who have never left home before landing in your respiratory system. And while you’re contemplating THAT… think about a continent with only one country on it!
Joan Face: Why? What does that have to do with anything?
Dr. Ike Bodanza: I don’t know… I just always thought it was stupid.
Joan Face: Alright! Well, back to the Australian Flu — how long does it last?
Dr. Ike Bodanza: Well, it’s a 21-day excursion flu. Let me put it this way: To your virus — to THIS virus — your body is a Club Med for microbes. They have NO respect for the human host.
Joan Face: Well, who is the ideal host?
Dr. Ike Bodanza: I’d still have to say Johnny Carson. [ he laughs at his joke; Joan laughs with him ] But back to the Australian Flu. I think you have to understand its mentality. These microbes are on vacation. They don’t care about you, they just want to live out their fantasies — whether it’s climbing on a white corpuscle and surfing through the bloodstream, or just lounging in the islets of Langerhans.
Joan Face: Well, you have to admit Australians are good travelers!
Dr. Ike Bodanza: Ah, but they try to do too MUCH! They want to see everything the first day. I mean, the schedule is unrealistic. Listen to this schedule, for example: 8:00 to 9:00, breakfast in the brain; 9:00 to 10:00, a hike in the thighs; 10:00 to 12:00, shopping in the kidneys; and noon, lunch in the small intestines, or, as they like to call it: au petit colon.
Joan Face: Whew! What a pace! I couldn’t do it!
Dr. Ike Bodanza: That’s just the morning! It never lets up: Happy hour in the tongue, disco dancing in the feet — if there’s time and they still have the energy, they’ll take in a toenail! It’s crazy! It’s crazy!
Joan Face: [ laughing ] It is crazy, I admit it! But wait a minute, I just remembered I know someone who SAW Lana Cantrell at the Rainbow Grill! Does that mean this person contracted the flu?
Dr. Ike Bodanza: Absolutely.
Joan Face: Well, what can they do?
Dr. Ike Bodanza: What can they do? [ he chuckles ] Make the best of it, that’s what I’d do. Become a tourist trap: Overcharge the little suckers! If you make it too inviting, they’ll never leave! Give ’em bad accomodations, slow room service — they HATE slow room service, Miss Face.
Joan Face: Well, who doesn’t, Dr. Bodanza?
Dr. Ike Bodanza: [ mumbling to himself ] It’s the only way to do it…
Joan Face: I’m sorry, but that’s all the time we have on “More Flu to Worry About”.
Dr. Ike Bodanza: [ mumbling to himself ] Don’t allow them any ice…
Joan Face: Thank you, and good night.
Dr. Ike Bodanza: [ mumbling to himself ] Give them a hard time… don’t make up their bed…[ camera pulls up to show logo on above wall ] [ fade ]