Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 6
Eddie the Sailor…..John Belushi
Candy the Barfly…..Laraine Newman
Second Barfly…..Gilda Radner
Third Barfly…..Jane Curtin
Brandy the Barfly…..Carrie Fisher
Eddie the Sailor: So I’m walking down the deck.. I’m just waking up! It’s three in the morning! I got a.. I got a cup of coffee in one hand.. I look up! And what do I see?! An iceberg! So I drops the coffee!
Candy the Barfly: Hey, Eddie..?
Eddie the Sailor: Awww.. you sure drink fast, don’t you?
Candy the Barfly: You.. you buy me another drink, Eddie?
Eddie the Sailor: Sure, sure, sure..
Second Barfly: Uh.. you buy one for me, too, Eddie?
Eddie the Sailor: Yeah, yeah, sure, sure.. So! So I dropped the coffee! And I leaped for the rail!
Bartender: That will be.. 100 francs – or 35 American dollars.
Eddie the Sailor: Here! Help yourself! [ pays his tab ]
Eddie the Sailor: I’m holdin’ on to the rail! Just waitin’ for us to hit!
Third Barfly: Eddie? Can I have some money for the jukebox?
Eddie the Sailor: Yeah, yeah.. sure.. here, here.. So, I’m waitin’! And I’m waitin’.. and, finally.. I open my eyes.. and what do you think I see?! Huh?! The pier! I forgot! We were still in port! I was thinknig we were at sea![ cut to Jim, a Marine, entering the bar, as Candy quickly swarms toward him ]
Candy the Barfly: My nane is Candy. What is your name?
Candy the Barfly: Oh, Jimm.. Do you want to buy me a drink?
Candy the Barfly: Because, uh.. I like you.. because I’m so thirsty.
Jim: Give me a beer. Give this thirsty person a glass of water.
Bartender: Candy only drinks.. champagne.
Candy the Barfly: That’s true, Jim. I always drink champagne. I looove champagne.
Jim: Well, forget it. I wasn’t born yesterday, honey. [ drops a dollar on the bar counter ] Just give me a beer.
Candy the Barfly: Ugh! [ walks away in disgust ] [ Jim takes his beer and sits alone at a table. Soon, Brandy the Barly steps up to him ]
Brandy the Barfly: Do you mind if I sit down?
Jim: Sit down if you want – but I won’t be buying any champagne.
Brandy the Barfly: I don’t want champagne, I.. I just want to be able to sit by you. [ sits next to Jim ] Where did you get such.. nice posture.. and those eyyyes.
Jim: [ chuckles ] Come on! Don’t pull that on me! You just want me to buy you champagne. And, when my money’s gone.. you will be, too. I’ve been in these kind of places before?[ Bartender steps forward ]
Bartender: Okay, what’s going on here? Are you buying Brandy a drink, or not?
Jim: No. The answer’s no!
Bartender: Well, then, she can’t STAY with you! Come on! [ grabs at Brandy ]
Brandy the Barfly: Yes, I can! I can buy my own drink!
Bartender: [ scowls at the thought, steps away ]
Brandy the Barfly: I like him.
Jim: Sounds good, but I hope I didn’t get you in trouble.
Brandy the Barfly: I don’t care. I like you.
Jim: [ scoffs ] Well, I’m sorry if I was rude.. but the last time I was in a place like this, I spent $80. And I didn’t even get drunk!
Brandy the Barfly: Ohhhh.. wqell, you should save your money..
Jim: That’s exactly what I do! I buy savings bonds – through the payroll savings plan.
Brandy the Barfly: Have you considered.. mutual.. funds..?
Jim: No, I.. ha ha! Stop it! I don’t know anything about stuff like that!
Brandy the Barfly: Well, what happens ees – when you invest the mutual fund, they take your money and spread it all around.. so that you own pieces in all different kinds of companies..
Jim: You make it sound so simple.
Brandy the Barfly: Buuut.. it is simple. [ ] All you have to do.. is sign here. And we’ll send a copy to your Commanding Officer.. so that part of your pay will go directly to our offices in Switzerland! You won’t have to go to the bank.. or anything.
Jim: You mean, it’s done, like, by computers?
Brandy the Barfly: [ cocks head back with a smile ] And you said you didn’t know anything about business!
Jim: [ laughs playfully, not sure if he’s being burned or not ]
Brandy the Barfly: Do you think, uh.. do you want to plan to invest a hundred a month, or.. do you think you will be able to afford a hundred and fifty?
Jim: One hundred.. no, one hundred and fifty!
Brandy the Barfly: Ah. Well, just sign there.. and we’re in business! [ Jim signs ] And.. sign there, too.. you see, it’s a.. combination insurance plan that only costs you a couple dollars a month more. So if.. something should happen to you – knock on wood [ knocks on the table ] – your mutual fund wil automatically pay out, and then.. I’ll split the money with whoever you name as Beneficiary.
Jim: Can I put my mother as the Beneficiary?
Brandy the Barfly: Suuuure!
Jim: Thank you..! Thank you..![ as Jim continues to sign all the various papers, another Marine steps forward to speak with Brandy ]
Marine: Uhhhhh.. what does it mean.. here in the.. small print.. uh, the.. salesman’s commission on this 20-year plan, to be paid off in the first years’ deposit made during the first year.. Now, does that mean that all the money I put into it in the first year goes to you? And I don’t get anything of this?
Brandy the Barfly: Uh.. just a few more seconds, I’m almost done with this sailor.. huh? [ turns back to Jim ] Ohhhhh.. thank you! I have to go now, I promised him that if he bought a fund from me, I’d take him to my Alps and show him.. my certificate.
Jim: In Switzerland?
Brandy the Barfly: No, no, no – upstairs. It’s kind of a.. branch office.
Jim: Well, I.. kinda thought.. well, you know.. I’m spending $150 a month.. I just thought, well..
Brandy the Barfly: Well, I know, Jimmy.. but don’t worry about anything, it’s an excellent plan. ??[ Brandy walks away from Jim, as the Bartender gets the room’s attention ]
Bartender: Hey! Everybody! Let’s hear it for Bran-dy! She broek a re-cord here to-night! She sold 18 glasses of champagne..and 2 mutual funds![ everyone applauds Brandy’s efforts ] [ music closes back on “Brandy (You’re A Fine Girl)” by The Looking Glass ]