Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 6
Carrie Fisher’s Monologue
Voice of Obi-Wan Kinobi…..Dan Aykroyd
[ Carrie Fisher enters Home Base relunctantly dressed as Princess Leia ]
Carrie Fisher: Yeah, I.. I felt a little awkward coming out in my Princess Leia costume, ’cause it might seem like I’m exploiting “Star Wars”.. But, you know, I went along with it, because, uh.. if I came out as myself, who would recognize me? So, uh.. yeah, I really didn’t know what to do, I felt really.. weird. So.. well, I went to the one person I know I can trust. Someone who’s always been there for me in the past.. well, you probably know who he is, you’ve heard of him.. my good friend Obi-Wan Kinobi! and, uh.. Obi-Wan said, “Look, the costume is fine. But if you’re gonna do “Saturday Night Live”, you want to open with a really great joke.” So.. he gave me one that’s supposed to be sure-fire and.. [ chuckles ] ..well, I-I-I don’t usually do jokes, but.. here goes.
Uh.. There’s this Bantha who’s placed information vital to the survival of the rebellion R-2 unit. Well, the Bantha knows it’ll take a little while for the Nava-computer to calculate the coordinates. So, then.. the Bantha goes over to Jabba the Hut’s bar, and he gets an idea. He says to Jabba, “My deflector shields are malfunctioning, can you put me up for the night?” Then Jabba says, “Well, there’s a Jedi Knight convention in town, but.. I guess you could stay in my Nebulan stabilizer with my daughter!”
[ stops ] I don’t know.. you know, I think this might be a little too.. “inside”, you know..?
Noooo, Carrie.. trust your instincts.
Carrie Fisher: Well.. you know, Obi.. I don’t know, we like the joke, but some of the references are a little obscure for this galaxy. I mean, this is a New York audience, they’re really sophisticated and everything-
Voice of Obi-Wan Kinobi: Trust.. your feelings, Carrie. Let yourself go. It’s a funny joke.
Carrie Fisher: Okay. You’re the force. [ continues the joke ]
So.. the Bantha agrees. But Jabba says, “I’ve gotta meet with some Sand People later.. can I trust you with my daughter alone?”
Voice of Obi-Wan Kinobi: [ laughing with great amusement, distracting Carrie ]
Carrie Fisher: Oh, look.. I don’t know.. but it seems to me, that this is the kind of joke that you would probably have to have been on a lot of space travel to-
Voice of Obi-Wan Kinobi: Just.. get to the part about those-
Carrie Fisher: Okay.. alright, okay.. [ continues ]
Okay.. so the Bantha says, “Sure! You can trust me!” And Jabba leaves. Of course, right away the daughter invites him into the Millenium Falcon for some gwarnng cola and some wookies-
Voice of Obi-Wan Kinobi: [ once again bursts out laughing, further distracting Carrie ] Gwarnng cola.. wookies.. I love this part!
Carrie Fisher: Yeah. Ah.. but he goes along with it – but just then, Jabba comes back.. he drrd the mess and says, “You call this a hologram?!“
Voice of Obi-Wan Kinobi: [ laughing uproariously ] I’ve heard that joke a thousand times – it’s still the best one in the universe!
Carrie Fisher: Great, Obi..
Voice of Obi-Wan Kinobi: [ still laughing uproariously ]
Carrie Fisher: I know you never get tired of it, but some people are a little fed up with “Star Wars”!
Voice of Obi-Wan Kinobi: [ unable to control his laughter ]
Carrie Fisher: Of course, I’m not complaining! I’m not complaining! I’m glad I made a little space movie two years ago, because.. if I had done one on the Fifties.. it-it might not have turned out so well, you know..?
[ monologue darkens, and dissolves into “Beach Blanket Bimbo From Outer Space” ]