SNL Transcripts: Carrie Fisher: 11/18/78: Tomorrow



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 6



78f: Carrie Fisher / The Blues Brothers

Tomorrow

Tom Snyder…..Dan Aykroyd
Linda Blair…..Carrie Fisher

[ open on “Tomorrow” logo, pan down to Tom Snyder smoking a cigarette as he hots his show ]

Tom Snyder: Hello, everybody. Welcome to the “Tomorrow” show. You know, I’d like to share a bit of information with everybody out there: we’ll be celebrating the Thanksgiving holiday in the traditional manner, with turkey and all the trimmings. Heck! I used to have a whole set of forks and knives — you know, I had a fork with a double-safety handle on it… sharpener… the whole kit and caboodle for carving a turkey, or a steak, or what-have-you. Well, the other day I was sharpening one of these knives, and I thought to myself, “I started doing the “Tomorrow” show in January 1974… by gosh, we’ve done over 500 of the damn things, we’re still on the air. I don’t have to sit here and sharpen these knives! So I jump into the car, I drove over to Sear’s, plunked down $19.95, and I got myself an electric steak knife!” And I’m gonna to give you a tip: It is GREAT, and, by golly, I’m gonna use mine this Thanksgiving!

My, uh — my guest tonight is a young lady who’ll be familiar with — to anybody who’s seen the motion picture… “Airport 1977”. Miss Linda Blair!

Linda Blair: [ she giggles ] Hi, Tom!

Tom Snyder: Linda, you could say you’re a gal who’s been through the mill at the age of nineteen, you’ve been around the block a few times. Now, you did a picture called “The Exorcist”… Now, here you are: you’re a gal of thirteen, you’re strapped to a bed, you’re using language that’s — to say the least — a bit raw! You spend a year of your life protraying the very embodiment of evil — Satan incarnate, the Anti-Christ — how the HECK did you keep up with your schoolwork?

Linda Blair: [ she laughs ] Well, Tom, you know — I didn’t! And I’m suffering for it now, you know! I mean, there’ a LOT of stuff I don’t know! I can barely read English! [ she laughs ] And I can name, like, only THREE states! And you know, sometimes, when I’m in an airport or something, I pick up a magazine and I see my picture… I realy miss being able to see what they’re — read what they’re saying about me!

Tom Snyder: You say you can’t read? Well ,by golly, that is interesting. You know, I’ve been in broadcasting for YEARS, and I still can’t laugh without frightening children! [ he lets out a huge, scary guffaw ] I see bobby Brown, our stage manager, knows what I’m talking about — bobby knows because he’s got a kid about two years old, he brought him to the studio one day, and Bobby got me laughing about something… I laughed, and I scared the living bejees out of the little guy! He carried on so much, crying and so forth, they finally had to SEDATE him!

[ Tom and Linda laugh hysterically at this anecdote ]

Linda Blair: Well, you know, it’s not only kids, Tom! There are a lot of adults, too!

[ Linda laughs, as Tom stares quizzically at her ]

Tom Snyder: Really? I frighten some adults? Well, by golly, I didn’t know that. [ he collects his thoughts ] Nose candy… blow… Devil’s handful… snow… scag… blight… blue dust… horse smack, or whatever you call it — cocaine is a controlled substance in this country, and, young lady, you were caught with some. WHAT was that about?

Linda Blair: Ohh, Tom! I’m so glad to have this chance to bring this WHOLE thing in the open, you know! I mean, Tom! The stuff in that ball was the WORST excuse for cocaine I’ve EVER seen! I mean, somebody must have STEPPED all over it! You know, it was cut, like, TWENTY times with low-grade milk sugar!

Tom Snyder: Well, DAMMIT!! If I were in your shoes, I’d’ve gone back to the dealer, or the pusher, or the fence — whoever sold it to you! — and I’d’ve said, “Now, dammit! I paid GOOD MONEY for this cocaine! Here I go home and find that it’s an inferior quality, and I want my money back!” And if the guy refused to give me a refund, I would’ve said, “Fine, Sir! I’ll just take my business elsewhere!”

Linda Blair: Well, you see, in this case I-I really couldn’t do that! You see, it was a gift, you know?

Tom Snyder: Fair enough. I’ll buy that. Now, Linda, you’re a gal who hasn’t had a… typical adolescence. At 13, you played the Devil, where you spewed green vomit, wet on the rug… [ Linda giggles ] You played a teenage alcoholic, and for the TV-movie “Born Innocent” you were an inmate in a woman’s reform school where you got POKED with a broom handle. You had a SPOTTY education, at best. You’ve been busted for cobalt and 4H20. My question to you is: What’s NEXT for Linda Blair?

Linda Blair: [ she laughs ] Well, Tom, you know, I’m still real young and, well, I’ve got LOTS to look forward to, you know? Unhappy marriages, household accidents… maybe even a nervous breakdown! You know, I’m really entitled to one! [ she giggles ]

Tom Snyder: Well, thank you, Linda. [ to the camera ] We’ve been talking with actress Linda Blair. I want you to join us next time on “Tomorrow”, when we’ll be speaking with a group of witches from Steeltown. That’s right: White witches from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania! They’re Steelers fans, members of the holders and iron workers union, and White witches!

Linda Blair: [ in a deep, evil voice ] Hey, Tom, you want some blo-o-o-owww?!

Tom Snyder: [ as his face turns white ] Good night, everybody.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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