Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 6
Tom Snyder…..Dan Aykroyd
Linda Blair…..Carrie Fisher
[ open on “Tomorrow” logo, pan down to Tom Snyder smoking a cigarette as he hots his show ]
Tom Snyder: Hello, everybody. Welcome to the “Tomorrow” show. You know, I’d like to share a bit of information with everybody out there: we’ll be celebrating the Thanksgiving holiday in the traditional manner, with turkey and all the trimmings. Heck! I used to have a whole set of forks and knives — you know, I had a fork with a double-safety handle on it… sharpener… the whole kit and caboodle for carving a turkey, or a steak, or what-have-you. Well, the other day I was sharpening one of these knives, and I thought to myself, “I started doing the “Tomorrow” show in January 1974… by gosh, we’ve done over 500 of the damn things, we’re still on the air. I don’t have to sit here and sharpen these knives! So I jump into the car, I drove over to Sear’s, plunked down $19.95, and I got myself an electric steak knife!” And I’m gonna to give you a tip: It is GREAT, and, by golly, I’m gonna use mine this Thanksgiving!
My, uh — my guest tonight is a young lady who’ll be familiar with — to anybody who’s seen the motion picture… “Airport 1977”. Miss Linda Blair!
Linda Blair: [ she giggles ] Hi, Tom!
Tom Snyder: Linda, you could say you’re a gal who’s been through the mill at the age of nineteen, you’ve been around the block a few times. Now, you did a picture called “The Exorcist”… Now, here you are: you’re a gal of thirteen, you’re strapped to a bed, you’re using language that’s — to say the least — a bit raw! You spend a year of your life protraying the very embodiment of evil — Satan incarnate, the Anti-Christ — how the HECK did you keep up with your schoolwork?
Linda Blair: [ she laughs ] Well, Tom, you know — I didn’t! And I’m suffering for it now, you know! I mean, there’ a LOT of stuff I don’t know! I can barely read English! [ she laughs ] And I can name, like, only THREE states! And you know, sometimes, when I’m in an airport or something, I pick up a magazine and I see my picture… I realy miss being able to see what they’re — read what they’re saying about me!
Tom Snyder: You say you can’t read? Well ,by golly, that is interesting. You know, I’ve been in broadcasting for YEARS, and I still can’t laugh without frightening children! [ he lets out a huge, scary guffaw ] I see bobby Brown, our stage manager, knows what I’m talking about — bobby knows because he’s got a kid about two years old, he brought him to the studio one day, and Bobby got me laughing about something… I laughed, and I scared the living bejees out of the little guy! He carried on so much, crying and so forth, they finally had to SEDATE him![ Tom and Linda laugh hysterically at this anecdote ]
Linda Blair: Well, you know, it’s not only kids, Tom! There are a lot of adults, too![ Linda laughs, as Tom stares quizzically at her ]
Tom Snyder: Really? I frighten some adults? Well, by golly, I didn’t know that. [ he collects his thoughts ] Nose candy… blow… Devil’s handful… snow… scag… blight… blue dust… horse smack, or whatever you call it — cocaine is a controlled substance in this country, and, young lady, you were caught with some. WHAT was that about?
Linda Blair: Ohh, Tom! I’m so glad to have this chance to bring this WHOLE thing in the open, you know! I mean, Tom! The stuff in that ball was the WORST excuse for cocaine I’ve EVER seen! I mean, somebody must have STEPPED all over it! You know, it was cut, like, TWENTY times with low-grade milk sugar!
Tom Snyder: Well, DAMMIT!! If I were in your shoes, I’d’ve gone back to the dealer, or the pusher, or the fence — whoever sold it to you! — and I’d’ve said, “Now, dammit! I paid GOOD MONEY for this cocaine! Here I go home and find that it’s an inferior quality, and I want my money back!” And if the guy refused to give me a refund, I would’ve said, “Fine, Sir! I’ll just take my business elsewhere!”
Linda Blair: Well, you see, in this case I-I really couldn’t do that! You see, it was a gift, you know?
Tom Snyder: Fair enough. I’ll buy that. Now, Linda, you’re a gal who hasn’t had a… typical adolescence. At 13, you played the Devil, where you spewed green vomit, wet on the rug… [ Linda giggles ] You played a teenage alcoholic, and for the TV-movie “Born Innocent” you were an inmate in a woman’s reform school where you got POKED with a broom handle. You had a SPOTTY education, at best. You’ve been busted for cobalt and 4H20. My question to you is: What’s NEXT for Linda Blair?
Linda Blair: [ she laughs ] Well, Tom, you know, I’m still real young and, well, I’ve got LOTS to look forward to, you know? Unhappy marriages, household accidents… maybe even a nervous breakdown! You know, I’m really entitled to one! [ she giggles ]
Tom Snyder: Well, thank you, Linda. [ to the camera ] We’ve been talking with actress Linda Blair. I want you to join us next time on “Tomorrow”, when we’ll be speaking with a group of witches from Steeltown. That’s right: White witches from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania! They’re Steelers fans, members of the holders and iron workers union, and White witches!
Linda Blair: [ in a deep, evil voice ] Hey, Tom, you want some blo-o-o-owww?!
Tom Snyder: [ as his face turns white ] Good night, everybody.