Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 6
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray
… Jane Curtin
… Bill Murray
Father Guido Sarducci … Don Novello
Roseanne Roseannadanna … Gilda Radner
Jane Curtin: [seated at WU desk in front ofphoto of former President Gerald Ford posing withsomeone in a life-sized Mickey Mouse costume] BettyFord’s face lift backfires! … This story andmore coming up on Weekend Update.[AFTER COMMERCIAL BREAK:]
Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update with theWeekend Update news team. Here are anchorpersons BillMurray and Jane Curtin.
Jane Curtin: Good evening. I’m Jane Curtin.Here now the news. Our top story tonight:[Photo of bones] Ancient bones found north of Cairothis week were believed to be the skeletal remains ofSt. John the Baptist. Well, excited scientistsreconstructed the skeleton and determined that St.John was a swamp dwelling herbivore [Photo of giantdinosaur skeleton] who weighed nearly six tons andstood seventy feet from the tip of his snout to thespiked tail. The biggest surprise? His brain was nolarger than a walnut. [Jane holds up a styrofoam container with a Big Mac init — a worm sticks out of the top of the bun] Rumorshave been circulating for months that McDonald’s hasbeen adding ground worms to their hamburger meat inorder to increase the protein content. AlthoughMcDonald’s officially denied the charge, they stillhad trouble explaining why, when you cut a Big Mac inhalf, it crawls in two different directions. … [someapplause]
And, in a related story, operating more than onethousand restaurants in forty-seven states, Sambo’sRestaurants Incorporated is defending its name incourt. An East Providence, Rhode Island city councilsays the name “Sambo” is a stereotype and a racialslur against black people. Reportedly, Sambo’s mayswitch to a kosher menu and change its name to “Bob’sJew Boy.” Bill? …
Bill Murray: The first man to walk on the moon,Neal Armstrong, lost a finger when he jumped from atruck and caught his wedding ring on a barn door athis suburban Cincinnati home. While jumping off thetruck, the former astronaut was quoted as saying: “Onesmall step for man, a giant–AAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!AAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!” … Jane? Wait.
A freighter filled with twenty-five hundred Vietnameserefugees captured world attention this week when theMalaysian government refused to allow them to land.With disease rampant and poor sanitary conditions andfood supplies exhausted, the ship of sufferingVietnamese had nothing to eat except a small amount offried lice. …
And this just in. The F– The FBI has a new theory onthe Jimmy Hoffa case. Thank you. It’s Colonel Mustardin the drawing room with the candlestick. …[applause]
Jane Curtin: [Photo of a smiling man witheyeglasses and a real fat chin holding up a letter]Well, better late than never. Jack Krevello of Boston,Massachusetts, holds a chain letter that was mailed tohim twenty-two years ago that he received yesterdaybecause it had gotten lost behind some post officeequipment. According to the superstitious Jack, theletter said: “Please don’t break this chain or elseyou’ll end up with glasses and a real fat chin.” …[applause]
Bill Murray: In Italy, the Italian press ischarging that the official bank of the Vatican, theInstituto per le Opere di Religione, is helpingwealthy Italians evade tax and currency laws and isengaging in large-scale speculation in foreigncurrency. Here, with a comment on that, is the gossipcolumnist for the Vatican newspaper, Father GuidoSarducci.[Cheers and applause as we pan over to the gentle,mustachioed, cigarette smoking, Italian-accentedFather Guido Sarducci.]
Father Guido Sarducci: [unusually petulant]It’s-a sour grapes. … That’s what it is. It’s just-asour grapes — from the government, from the press.Just – just because currency is goin’ over the bordersand it’s not coming back. That’s the big deal. … AndI think that if the Vatican bank could get somedeposits — have some money comin’ in — they wouldlay off us, you know, and get off our back for alittle while. …
And, you know, if you have been keepin’ up with recenteconomic conditions in the world, you’re probably morethan aware of the dwindling value of the Americandollar. Now, the Vatican bank is offerin’ Americanpeople the opportunity to put your money in our bankand transfer it to the European currency of yourchoice. In fact, if you deposit one thousand dollarsor more before the first of any quarter, we’re gonnasend you, ab-a-so-lutely free of charge, thesebeautiful, beautiful Italian kid gloves. [holds up theplastic-wrapped gloves] … They come in black, beige,brown, or — my favorite — pearl white. [grins] …And if you have two thousand dollars or more, well,you’re really on a lucky streak. You get to have thisbeautiful wall clock. [holds up a cheap yellow wallclock] … It’s-a solid as can be. [taps on clock] Andit’s got-a all of the signs of the zodiac. … [pointsto the signs] From Cap-a-corn all the way toSagitarium. They’re all-a there. …
And, you know, since we would like-a some money prettysoon, if people send before the first of the year, forjust-a two dollars and fifty cents, you get this book[holds up a small, thin book] — a regular twenty-twodollar value, I wrote it myself — it’s called “Guideto the Confessional.” … You know, it’s– everyApril, you people in the United States, you have topay your income tax. And, you know, paying your incometax in this country is kind of like goin’ toconfession to the government. You gotta tell ’em howmuch money you made, where you made it, where youspent it, all that stuff. And, you know, people with alot o’ money, they get-a lawyers, they getaccountants, and those people weasel and maneuvertheir way around the laws and they get-a their clientsoff-a pretty easy. Well, it’s the same in the church…. And, with this book, you’re gonna be able toweasel and maneuver your way around the confessional…. You can screw around your whole life and still getto Heaven! … [huge applause] That’s right. It’s allhere. Eternal happiness, two ninety-five — who canbeat that? … Forever, forever, you know? …
And, I tell you what. If you just don’t wanna jumpinto the pool, you know, send cash in the mail, justsend a letter. Say you want information. Say “Sarduccisent you” and we’ll send you, absolutely free, thislittle key chain. [holds up a key chain with a shrimpattached to it] This little shrimp, you know? … Itkind of represents, like, nostalgia for the old days,you know? T.G.I.F. Anyway, this is-a free. … Free ofcharge, absolutely. Just say “Sarducci sent you.”Remember, my friends, get that great twenty-fivebillion dollar feeling — the Vatican bank! Just writeVatican, Vatican City, “Sarducci sent you” and youget-a the shrimp. Thank you. [applause]
Jane Curtin: This past Thursday was the GreatAmerican Smoke Out, a day that everyone in America wasencouraged to stop smoking cigarettes for atwenty-four hour period. Here to comment further isUpdate health correspondent, Roseanne Roseannadanna.[Applause as we pan over to Roseanne Roseannadanna, aloud Latino woman who chews gum and has a lot offrizzy hair.]
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Thanks a lot, Jane!Thanks a lot! A Mr. Richard Feder from Fort Lee, NewJersey writes in and says: “Dear RoseanneRoseannadanna, Last Thursday, I quit smokin’. Now, I’mdepressed, I gained weight, my face broke out, I’mnauseous, I’m constipated, my feet swelled, my gumsare bleedin’, my sinuses are clogged, I got heartburn,I’m cranky and I have gas. … What should I do?” …Mr. Feder, you sound like a real attractiveguy! … You belong in New Jersey! …[applause]
But I know exactly what you’re goin’ through ’causeonce, I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, quit smokin’. And toget back in shape, I had to join one of thosefancy-shmancy health clubs. You know, the ones whereit’s real expensive to join but it’s worth it, ’causeyou get to see a lot o’ people that you don’t knownaked! … Like, some people got thosebulgy-bulgy thighs, the ones that get chafed just’cause they’re always scrapin’ against each other. …And there’s other people there that got these funnybelly buttons. Like, some go in and some go out orit’s like a hole or it curls around or it’s like alittle knob on it, like a door. … Some ofthem got a little piece of their sweater still in it!… Some of ’em look like a little star or a shell ora clam. Or some, you don’t what they are! … But,personally, I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, don’t like towalk around with no clothes in front of other people!Not that I don’t got a great body. … But why shouldI waste it on a bunch of fat ladies in a healthclub?
Anyway, they got this sauna there which is a littlehot room where you go to sweat like a pig. … So, Igo in there but before I sit down, I put this cleantowel on the bench ’cause there’s a lot of people inthere and you don’t know where they been! …So, listen to this. Who do you think is sitting nextto me but Dr. Joyce Brothers! … That verysmart pixie lady who thinks she knows everything. Butwhat this nude psychologist doesn’t know is that shehad this little teeny tiny ball o’ sweat right here,hangin’ off the tip of her nose! … It was justhangin’ there! It wouldn’t fall off! … Like, if sheturned her head, it didn’t fall off, if she stood up,it didn’t fall off, she scratched, it didn’t fall off,and when she picked a little piece of sweater out ofher belly button, it didn’t fall off! … That littlesweat ball just wouldn’t fall off! … So I yelled ather. I said, “Hey! Doctor! Flick that sweat ball offyour nose! … What are ya tryin’ to do? Make mesick?!” She–
Jane Curtin: Roseanne!
Roseanne Roseannadanna: What? What?
Jane Curtin: [coolly] What do health clubs,sweat and saunas have to do with cigarettes?
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well, Jane. It justgoes to show ya! It’s always somethin’! If it’s notone thing, it’s another! Either you smoke or you havea sweat ball hangin’ off your nose! … It’s just likethe song we used to sing on Thanksgiving when I was alittle girl. Everybody would come over to my houselookin’ all pretty and cute and everything. My motherwould make a turkey with stuffing and for dessert we’dhave the traditional Banana Roseannadanna cake. …Before we ate, we’d bow our heads. [to Jane, whomerely stares at her in disgust] Bow your head, Jane.Come on, bow your little head. Come on. Jane, bow yourhead. Bow your head now. … [Jane reluctantly bowsher head] We’d bow our heads and we’d all sing.
[singing]We gather together to ask the Lord’s blessing
Please look down upon the Roseannadanna household
Bring peace to our fathers, good health to ourmothers
And please don’t make me sweat like Dr. JoyceBrothers! …
Roseanne Roseannadanna: [cheerily]Amen!
Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night andhave a pleasant tomorrow.