SNL Transcripts: Walter Matthau: 12/02/78: The Bad News Bees


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 7

78g: Walter Matthau

The Bad News Bees

Kurt…..Bill Murray
Alan…..John Belushi
Raymond…..Garrett Morris
Artie…..Dan Aykroyd
Coach…..Walter Matthau

[ open on interior, team bunk cabin ]

Kurt: Boy, I’m sure glad you’re pitching tomorrow – it’s gonna be a rough game. Ah, no problem. By the time camp’s over, once again our twam will be champs!

[ the team cheers ]

Kurt: [ whistles ] Hey, Alan – heads up!

Alan: Hey, cut it out, you guys!

Raymond: Hey, hey. What’s that you’re reading, Alan?

Alan: Nothing!

Kurt: Whaddaya mean, nothing?! Hey, Charlie, look at this! A Playbee magazine!

[ everyone oohs and ahhs over the contents of Alan’s dirty magazine ]

Artie: Boy, I’d sure like to get into her honey sac!

Alan: Yeah, me too!

Kurt: Oh, whadda you knew about that, Alan!

Alan: As much as you do!

Kurt: Oh, yeah? I bet you never even did it!

Alan: I.. did.. too..

Kurt: Oh, yeah? Well, then tell me how you did it!

Alan: [ stung ] Okay.. so I never did it..

[ everyone laughs at Alan ]

Artie: I knew he was lying!

Kurt: I bet you never did it!

Artie: [ hesitant ] ..Sure, I did.

Raymond: With who?!

Artie: Laura Finch.

Kurt: Really?

Artie: Yeah! One day a whole swarm of us gang stang her behind the bowling alley.

[ suddenly, the Coach enters the cabin ]

Coach: What’s going on in here?! Huh?!

Alan: Ah, nothing, Coach.. we’re just talking.

Coach: Come on! Lights out, guys! We’ve got a big game tomorrow, I want you guys to get a lot of sleep, see? Come on!

[ everyone moans and groans ]

Coach: Come on! [ spies magazine ] What is this? [ grabs magazine and leafs through it ] What is this stuff? What are you guys doing with this thing, huh?! Aren’t you a little young to be looking at this?

Kurt: Aren’t you a little bit old!

Coach: Listen, Hansen! When you’re my age, you should stick it to the queen as often as I do! Now, get some sleep!

Team: Goodnight, Coach!

Coach: Goodnight, guys.

[ Coach exits cabin ]

Artie: Boy.. too bad he took that magazine – those pictures were great!

Raymond: You’re not kidding, man..

Alan: Come on, guys! The Coach is right – let’s get some sleep!

[ the team agrees, and quickly got to sleep ] [ with everyone asleep, the sound of Alan’s cot squeaking can be heard ]

Kurt: Hey, Alan, would you pull your stinger somewhere else!

[ everyone humiliates Alan ]

Alan: Dammit, you guys! Dammit! I was not!

Kurt: You were, too!

Alan: I was not!

[ Coach re-enters, angrier than before ]

Coach: What’s going on in here?! Huh?! What’s all the racket about?! I thought I told you to go to sleep!!

Artie: We were trying to, Coach, but Alan made too much noise because he was.. buzzing off!

Team: Alan was buzzing off! Alan was buzzing off! Alan was buzzing off!!

Alan: I swear, I wasn’t!

Kurt: Oh, yeah? Then why is there honey all over your sheets!

Coach: Come on, you guys.. cut it out! Come over here, Alan.. come over here..

[ Coach and Alan sit down ]

Alan: Yeah, Coach?

Coach: Nothing wrong in what you were doing, Alan. It’s perfectly normal for someone your age to bend his barb once in a while. Everyone does it, there’s nothing to be ashamed of. What’s the matter with you, guys? Artie, can you say that you’ve never done it?

Artie: No..

Coach: You, Raymond?

Raymond: Well, uh.. no, Coach..

Coach: How about you, Kurt? Youve polished your bayonet, haven’t you?

Kurt: [ hesitant ] ..Yeah.. once.

Coach: You see? It’s a natural function – everyone does it.

Raymond: Even you, Coach?

Coach: Yes. Twice.

Team: The Coach buzzes off!!

Alan: Shut up!!

Coach: Even females do it.

Artie: [ suddenly interested ] Really?! How?!

Coach: Well.. I’m not sure, exactly, but, uh.. let me tell you a story about a ballplayer I knew, who, uh.. used to buzz off five, six, seven times a day. And his teammates, they made fun of him, they razzed him all the time. And he was ashamed, and it was affecting all aspects of his game. He had trouble throwing, fielding, hitting with power, running to the bases.. And then, one day, he just accepted the fact that he was a chronic buzz off. And once he accepted that fact, he became a great ballplayer, and he went on to hit three home runs in the last game of the 1977 World Series!

[ the team is amazed by the identity of the buzz off ]

Team: Reggie Jackson!!

Coach: Reggie Jackson. That’s right, Alan, you’re in good company.

[ the team quickly apologizes for making fun of Alan earlier ]

Alan: Ah, that’s okay, guys..

Coach: Now, you get back to bed, guys.

Team: Goodnight, Coach!!

Coach: Goodnight!

[ Coach exits the cabin ] [ suddenly, all the cots in the cabin begin squeaking ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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