SNL Transcripts: Walter Matthau: 12/02/78: Mr. Bill Is Late


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 7

78g: Walter Matthau

Mr. Bill Is Late

Mr. Hands: Hey kids it’s time for the Mr. Bill show!

(The curtain rises but nobody’s on the set. we then cut to Mr. Bill’s dressing room where Mr. Hands is molding Mr. Bill.)

Mr. Hands: Whoops! Hey kids. Gee you’re a little early today. Well Mr. Bill’s not here yet. But he’s on his way. (Cut back to the set with Sluggo and Spot) So while we’re waiting. His dog Spot will do some tricks for us. You ready Spot?

Spot: Ruff Ruff!

Mr. Hands: Now first, Animal Trainer Sluggo says you’re going to roll over so roll over. Roll over Spot! (Rolls over Spot right over the glitter on the stage and back.) Now come on back. That’s a good dog Spot! Now Sluggo says you’re going to jump through the ring of fire. So jump high and be careful (Carries Spot but drops him right in the middle of the ring.) Ow! Now fetch the newspaper (A newspaper drops right over Spot.) Oh look here comes Mr. Bill!

Mr. Bill: Oh Kiddies. I’m so sorry I was late today and. Hey was that spot I heard?

Mr. Hands: Sure he brought your morning newspaper (Reveals Spot who is burnt to a crisp.)

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhhhhhhh! (Angry) Oh you know Mr. Hands. I’m beginning to think you’re not such a good friend. You always let that bully Sluggo pick on me and I think I’m going to punch him in the face huh?

Mr. Hands: Well we’ll have to talk about that later Mr. Bill because we’re all out of time.

(As he says this last line, Mr. Hands nails Mr. Bill in the head knocking his head off.)

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

(Curtain falls)

(dissolveto audience pan, with SUPER: “coming up next… The Incorrect Time Fro The Habitually Late” )

Submitted by: Nick

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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