SNL Transcripts: Walter Matthau: 12/02/78: Olympia Cafe



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 7










78g: Walter Matthau

Olympia Cafe

Pete Dionasopolis … John Belushi
George … Dan Aykroyd
Nico … Bill Murray
Sandy … Laraine Newman
1st Female Customer … Jane Curtin
Male Customer … Garrett Morris
John Pittman … Walter Matthau
Lambrose “Larry” Petropopolis … Brian Doyle-Murray
2nd Female Customer … Gilda Radner
Linda … Rosie Shuster
Larry’s Assistant … Alan Zweibel
Mike … Don Novello

[Burger patties sizzling on a grill in the OlympiaCafe. The owner, Pete Dionasopolis is taking an orderon the phone.]

Pete: [yells to George the cook] Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

Pete: [into phone] No fries. Chip. [yells to Nico thecounterman] Chip! Chip!

Nico: Chip! Chip!

Pete: [into phone] What to drink? No. No Coke. Pepsi.[yells to Nico] Pepsi! Pepsi!

Nico: Pepsi! Pepsi!

Pete: [into phone] All right, ten minutes.

[Pete hangs up. (Pete’s brother Mike, who never saysanything, can be seen working in the back.) Sandy, thewaitress, approaches Pete.]

Sandy: Hey, Pete, that toilet is stuffed up again.

Pete: Aaaahhh!

[Grabbing a plunger and cursing under his breath inGreek, Pete heads off for the bathroom, followed bySandy. At the counter, a female customer talks to Nicowho barely understands English. She shows him hercheeseburger.]

1st Female Customer: Excuse me, I wanted this medium,uh, and it’s almost raw. Could I have it cooked some more?

Nico: More?

1st Female Customer: Yes, please.

Nico: [yells to George] Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger!

1st Female Customer: No! No! No, no! I don’t wantanother cheeseburger! I just want this one cooked somemore.

Nico: More?

1st Female Customer: No, no. [points to George] Gethim, get him, get him. [Nico gets George who bringsthe customer another cheeseburger] He ordered meanother cheeseburger and I didn’t–!

George: [gives her the second cheeseburger] Here, here.

1st Female Customer: No, no, no! I just want this onecooked some more! It’s almost raw! [But George hasalready retreated to his grill.]

Male Customer: Uh, I hate to break up such an excitingdiscussion but I just saw a roach about the size of acat walk behind this napkin holder right here.

George: Roach?

Male Customer: Yeah.

George: Roach?

Male Customer: That’s right. Right– oh! [The roachhas apparently emerged onto the countertop] Look out!

1st Female Customer: Oh!

[Nico and George grab two cans of bug spray and startspraying the countertop around the napkin holder. Thetwo customers make faces, cough, and hold their handsup to block the bug spray. George spots the roach andflattens it with a quick blow of his spatula. Hescrapes the roach off the spatula and goes back towork at the grill, much to the horror of the customers.]

Male Customer: Uh huh, I think I’m gonna … I’m gonnapay my check and leave. I don’t want to wait for theautopsy report. [pays his check to Nico and hastily exits]

1st Female Customer: [to Nico] I’m gonna pass onhaving this cooked some more. I think, uh, for somereason, I’ve lost my appetite. [George moves to thecash register and rings up the customer’s check]

Sandy: [returns and grabs a second plunger] George,Pete needs the other plunger. [George nods and Sandyexits again.]

1st Female Customer: [to George] Uh, I think you made a mistake.

George: Two cheeseburger, one chip, one Pepsi. Three-eighty-two.

1st Female Customer: But I didn’t order two cheeseburgers! Only one!

George: Look. Two. One, two. [holds up her second cheeseburger]

1st Female Customer: Well, I didn’t order the othercheeseburger. I just asked him if I could have minecooked some more and he thought I wanted another one.You owe me a dollar fifty.

George: Wait for Pete.

1st Female Customer: No–! [But George is already onhis way back to the grill.]

Sandy: [yells to George and Nico] Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger! Two chip! Two Pepsi!

George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

Nico: Two chip! Two Pepsi!

[Two men enter the restaurant together. The first isJohn Pittman, who smokes a huge cigar and wearsthick-framed eyeglasses and a business suit. Thesecond is Larry, a small, mustachioed man in aCoca-Cola uniform. They approach Nico.]

John Pittman: Excuse me, sir, are you the proprietorof this restaurant? I’m John Pittman from theCoca-Cola Company. [Pittman shakes Nico’s hand. Nicodoesn’t understand but nods anyway.] Coca-ColaCompany.

Nico: Oh, uh, no Coke. Pepsi.

John Pittman: Yes, I know, yes. That’s why I’m here. Iwant to talk to you. This is Larry Petropopolis. He’sour new area distributor.

[Larry and Nico shake hands and exchange greetings in Greek.]

John Pittman: We call him Larry but his real name isLambrose. Sometimes, we kid around, we call him “lambroast.” Ha! Ha! Right, Larry? You know I might as wellget right to the point. We’re pretty concerned aroundhere that a lot of Greek restaurants in this areaaren’t our customers. Now, well, to be perfectlyfrank, we want to rectify the situation. I know thatour competitor has a good distributor, what’s hisname, Zanatos? [Nico recognizes the name and nods. Hecontinues to nod even though he has no clue what isbeing said to him.] Well, we plan to give you a betterdeal than Zanatos can give. Let’s not beat around thebush. Talk drachmas, right? You buy a five gallon jugof syrup from Zanatos for sixteen dollars and we’regonna give it to you for fifteen fifty. We’ll put up anew sign for you, too. Huh? We just want to doanything we can to win you over to Coke.

Nico: No Coke. Pepsi.

John Pittman: I’ll tell ya what I’ll do. I’ll go downto fifteen and a quarter. Now, you don’t think I cangive you a better deal than that, do ya? [Nico keepsnodding, cluelessly.] Huh? You do? Okay. I’ll make itfifteen even. And I’ll see if I can’t dig up a fewdozen glasses for ya, right?

Larry: Uh, I think I got some out in the truck.

John Pittman: [to Larry] You got some in the truck?[to Nico] He’s got some in the truck. We’ll bring themin now. What do you say? We have a deal? Huh? [Niconods] Okay, terrific! [turns to Larry] Larry, Larry,will ya set up the dispensers and everything rightnow? [Larry exits, Pittman turns to Nico, shakes hishand] Listen, I gotta get going, kid. You’re a veryshrewd businessman. I like your style. You know that,too, don’t ya? Ha! [pats Nico on the cheek] You’re all right!

[Pittman exits. Nico grins and nods, having no ideawhat that was all about. Pete returns with the plungerslung over his shoulder.]

Pete: Ahhhh.

1st Female Customer: [still waiting by the register,to Pete] I was charged for two cheeseburgers. I onlyordered one. You owe me a dollar fifty. I’ve beenwaiting here for ten minutes. I would appreciate it ifyou would give me my money.

Pete: George? [George joins Pete at the register, Petewants an explanation] Come on, come on.

George: Two cheeseburgers. One, two. [holds up the second cheeseburger]

1st Female Customer: But I didn’t order it! [points toNico] He ordered it! Have him pay for it!

Pete: [to 1st female customer] Wait, wait. [turns to2nd female customer, a regular patron, who stands nearthe register with a friend] Okay, honey.

2nd Female Customer: Oh, oh, um, Pete, uh, can I alsohave a cheeseburger and a Pepsi to go?

Pete: [yells to George] Cheeseburger!

George: One cheeseburger! [George bags up theuntouched second cheeseburger and hands it to Pete whohands it to the 2nd female customer]

Nico: Pepsi!

2nd Female Customer: Oh, um, Pete, I want you to meet Linda, um…

Linda: Hi.

2nd Female Customer: She’s gonna be taking over for meat work, uh, ah, I’m not gonna be there. You wanna know why?

Pete: Why?

2nd Female Customer: I’m gettin’ married.

Pete: You’re–? Married?

2nd Female Customer: Yeah. [laughs]

Pete: Awwwww! [kisses her on cheek]

2nd Female Customer: Yeah, next week, I’m goin’ on the honeymoon.

Pete: Ohhhh! [claps his hands happily] Wait! Wait!Ahhhhhh! [presents her with a wedding present — a bag of chips]

2nd Female Customer: [underwhelmed by the gift] Oh,thanks a lot. You don’t mind if I don’t eat ’em here?I’ll open ’em when I open the other gifts.

Pete: [graciously] Ahhhh, all right, all right.

2nd Female Customer: Thanks, Pete. [She and her friend exit.]

Pete: Married, married. That’s nice, that’s nice. [tothe 1st female customer] What do you want? What?

[Larry’s assistant enters with a Coca-Cola dispenser,followed by Larry who carries a box of glasses.]

Larry: [to Pete] Where do you want the glasses?

Pete: [completely confused] What? What? What?

Larry: Glasses. Free Coke glasses. Look. [shows Petean invoice] Four dozen free glasses, one ten footsign, and an agreement for us to sell you five gallonjugs for fifteen dollars apiece.

Pete: Fifteen?

Larry: Right.

Pete: Five gallons?

Larry: Yeah, it’ll only take us a minute to set it up.

Pete: [Knowing a good deal when he hears it, anotherwise mystified Pete waves Larry on] Sure, sure,sure. [Larry and his helper set things up and then exit.]

1st Female Customer: [to Pete] Okay, how about mydollar fifty that you owe me or do I have to call the police?

Pete: [upset] I’ll give you your money in food! All right?!

1st Female Customer: You mean you won’t give me adollar fifty in cash?

Pete: [gestures toward the grill] Cheeseburger. Come on.

1st Female Customer: I don’t want a cheeseburger![resigned] What else do you have?

Pete: Chip!

1st Female Customer: Okay, give me four bags of chips.How much do I have left?

Pete: [does the math] Uhhhh … twenty-eight.

1st Female Customer: Okay, I’ll have a Pepsi.

Pete: Ah, no Pepsi. Coke.

1st Female Customer: [rolls her eyes] Okay! I’ll have a Coke!

Pete: [yells to Nico] Coke!

[But Nico, uncomprehending, just stands still, wiping down a counter. Pete starts violently whacking Nico with a menu.]

Pete: Coke! Coke! Coke! Coke!

[Dissolve to a wider shot of the set behind camerasand microphones.]

Submitted Anonymously

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