SNL Transcripts: Walter Matthau: 12/02/78: Programming Ideas


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 7

78g: Walter Matthau

Programming Ideas

Fred Silverman…..John Belushi
Barbara…..Gilda Radner

[ open on Fred Silverman standing exasperated before a chart featuring NBC’s and ABC’s programming schedule ]

Barbara: [ entering with a bowl of food ] Come on now, Mr. Silverman — you haven’t eaten anything for days. Now, eatyour apple sauce. [ she holds up the spoon ] Come on, Freddy! [ he resists ] Freddyyyy. Open your — come on, Freddy! [ he takes a bite ] There you go, that’s good! There you go.

Fred Silverman: NINE shows, Barbara! I can’t believe that I had to cancel NINE shows! And they were TERRIBLE shows! I don’t understand how they failed. They were TERRIBLE! Shows JUST as bad as these, which were BIG hits as ABC! [ he points to his board ] “Grandpa Goes to Washington”.”Muttonchop”. I don’t understnad it! People didn’t like it.

Barbara: Well, “Lifeline” was a good show.

Fred Silverman: Sure, I expected that to fail, though. What about… “David Cassidy: Man Undercover”? Now, THAT was a stupid show! It was badly written… I don’t know why it didn’t make it. Now, maybe we had someone even worse than David Cassidy… I got it! [ he snaps his fingers ] What do you think of this? “Donny Osmond: Man Undercover”.

Barbara: Oh, I don’t like it at all!

Fred Silverman: You don’t?

Barbara: No! In fact, I HATE it!

Fred Silverman: So do I! Make out a card.

Barbara: Right. [ she writes it down and puts it up on the board ]

Fred Silverman: Now, I’m just wondering what to do on Tuesdy night here, where “Eddie Capra Mysteries” were. Let’s see, at 8 o’clock I got, uh… “B.J. and the Bear”.

Barbara: Right.

Fred Silverman: At ten, I’ve got “Mrs. Columbo”… “Runaway Truck Driver”… a cop show. What can we put in between…?

Barbara: Uh… how about a show called “Road Block”?

Fred Silverman: [ thinking ] That’s TERRIBLE! Make out a card.

Barbara: Right. [ she writes it down and puts it on the board ] You know… I don’t mean to say anything, Mr. Silverman, but, looking ovr the board here, I mean… maybe we’re underestimating the intelligence of the American public.

Fred Silverman: You’re… fired!

Barbara: Fired?

Fred Silverman: Yes. You’ll never work at this network again.

Barbara: Alright, Mr. Silverman… Mr. Programming Genius. [ she grabs him by the tie ] There’s just ONE thing I’d like to say to you before I leave! [ she turns to face the camera ] “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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