SNL Transcripts: Eric Idle: 12/09/78: The French Chef


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 8

78h: Eric Idle / Kate Bush

The French Chef

Julia Child…..Dan Aykroyd

Julia Child: Welcome. I’m Julia Child. Today, we’re going to make aholiday feast, and we’re going to start with a half-boned chicken, a fine, fatroasting chicken. Now, first, remove the giblets – and you really shouldsave the giblets. They make a fine stock for soup. Or you cansave the liver and fry it up with some onions for a little snack; or if youhave a number of livers, you can make a lovely liver pate, or a deliciousliverwurst which you can spread on a cracker – a Ritz cracker, a Saltine..or rye bread, or pumpernickel bread.. or if you’re celebrating the Jewishholidays, you can make a chopped liver and shape it into the bust of a friend..if someone’s getting married or bar-mitzvahed. Or, if you have a little cator a dog, they love liver. Save the liver! Don’t throw itaway! I hope I’ve made my point. Don’t throw the liver away.

Now, where was I? [ looks around the kitchen ] Oh, yes. Anyway, it’s timeto bone the chicken. Now, for this, you need a very sharp knife. You can’tdo nothing without a sharp knife! [ holds chicken and cuts ] Now,you place the chicken on its stomach, and cut along the backbone to the pugnose like so.. [ drops knife ] crap! Oh! Oh, now I’ve done it -I’ve cut the dickens out of my finger. Well, I’m glad, in a way, this hashappened.. [ blood squirts onto the chicken ] We have never really discussed what to do. First, we must stop the bleeding. [ holds her apron over her hand ] The best way is to put pressure on the apron, like so.. [ blood keeps sqirting all over the kitchen ] Now, you want to raise your hand above your head so the blood doesn’t pump all the way up. [ blood continues to squirt ] Well, the apron doesn’t seem to be working, so Irecommend natural coagulants, such as chicken liver.. [ picks up the chickenliver ] Remember not to throw away the liver! [ blood squirts over thechicken liver ] Oh, God, it’s throbbing! Well, a tourniquet can be made,using a chicken bone.. [ wraps towl and chicken bone around her hand ] Finda pressure point between the heart and the wound – in this case, the wrist -and cut off the blood. This is a last resort, however, because youcould lose your hand if you tighten it too much! [ blood keepssquirting ] If you’re too woozy to tie the tourniquet, you might callEmergency Help – there’s not much time left.. [ hobbles towards the phone onback wall and picks it up ] Now, every kitchen phone should have theEmergency number written on it somewhere.. [ looks at phone ] Uh-oh! Thisone doesn’t! 9-1-1! [ tries to dial the number, but can’t ] Oh, this phoneis a prop, it doesn’t work! [ drops the phone, becoming woozy ]That’s a shame, because I’m remembering a time when I was a little girl andI.. had a dog named Admiral.. I used to give him liver.. and my mother gaveme a doll.. [ starts tipping from side to side ] Why are you all spinning..?Uh.. I think I’m going to go to sleep now.. bon appetit.. [ falls headfirstonto the counter, then jumps up one last time ] Save the liver! [ falls backonto the counter and twitches before dying ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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