Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 8
Cochise at Oxford
Professor … Eric Idle
Student #1 … Dan Aykroyd
Student #2 … Laraine Newman
Student #3 … John Belushi
Student #4 … Gilda Radner
Student #5 … Garrett Morris
Cochise … Bill Murray
Student #6 … Jane Curtin
[Title graphic: a photo of the Oxford Universitycampus in Great Britain with a text that reads:COCHISE AT Oxford]
Don Pardo: Time now for Cochise at Oxford. This week,Episode One: Tea and Tomahawks. We join Cochise’s newrhetoric professor as he asks the last question on anexam.[Dissolve to a classroom where a white-hairedprofessor paces back and forth leading his studentsthrough an oral exam. Everyone wears black robes.]
Professor: And one final question. Would you prefer tospend a fortnight in an onion cellar searching for,uh, um, man’s inhumanity to man — or … have all ofThomas Hardy’s furniture start swelling up, say, two,three, four times its normal size? You in the onioncellar or Mr. Hardy’s furniture? No doubt frighteningthe dear old man half out of his wits into thebargain. Couches and tables bulging up this way andthat — and there dear Mr. Hardy staggering back indisbelief searching his poetic soul for someexplanation for this horrid vision. Your insignificantselves in an onion cellar or the incomparable ThomasHardy, perhaps even struck down by a milk lorry in hisattempt to flee the horrors of inflated chairs andottomans, outsized highboys, engorged love seats,goliath Queen Anne tables, bulbous end tables and allthe other villainy that makes this abhorrent visionworthy of rejection. All done? Very well. Put yourpens down. Quick! What weighs more: a pound of fleshnearest the heart or a pound on the head?
Students: A pound on the head!
Professor: Who had hemorrhoids?
Professor: Mayberry-Sims, how do you get down from anelephant?
Student #1: [politely] I’m not Mayberry-Sims, sir.
Student #2: I know, sir!
Professor: What’s your name?
Student #2: Names aren’t important, sir.
Professor: Quite right! How do you get down from anelephant?
Student #2: Well, you wait until they get into yourpajamas and then you shoot them down.
Professor: Hm hm hm? The hand that rocks the cradle,pulls the pajama cord — is that it?
Student #3: Pulls the trigger more than likely, sir.
Professor: Mayberry-Sims, what have you to say tothat?
Student #1: [politely] I’m not Mayberry-Sims, sir.
Professor: Where the devil is Mayberry-Sims?
Student #4: He was hit, sir!
Professor: Was he shot?
Student #1: In his pajamas.
Professor: What was he doing in his pajamas?
Professor: Very good. Now, all of you, an exercise. Iwant you all to empty the left-hand side of yourbrains. Empty all the thoughts out of the left-handside and leave the right as it is. [students flop overand moan as if lobotomized] Mm hm. Mm hm. Now, you areexperiencing a form of abject clarity. Now, tell me,which came first — the chicken or the egg? [studentsmoan incomprehensibly] Doesn’t anybody know? Somebodymust know. Who came first — the chicken or the egg?[Cochise, in full Apache regalia, enters dramatically,accompanied by a stereotypical Indian musical theme]Ah! You must be the new fellow. How do you do? [theyshake hands, students moan] All of you! All of you,fill up the left side of your brains again, please![students slowly return to normal] Now, then, this isCochise, a full-blooded Apache Indian.
Students: A woo-woo Indian or a India Indian?
Professor: Uhhhh… [looks at Cochise] A woo-wooIndian, I would say. [to Cochise] Do you have a book?[Cochise solemnly touches a book he carries under hisarm] Good. Go sit down there with the Catholics.
Students: There’s no room!
Professor: Well, make some room. Come on, now.[Cochise takes a seat at the end of the second row andwatches in astonished silence as the Professor and hisstudents run through their nonsensical exchanges] Now,then, class … What’s your favorite law?
Students: The Natural Law!
Students: Because it’s all-natural!
Professor: Who enforces the Natural Law?
Student #5: The police, usually.
Professor: Name something that isn’t covered under theNatural Law.
Student #6: Artificial flowers and unlicensedphysicians.
Professor: Good! Anyone else?
Student #1: Everything that isn’t … natural.
Professor: Perfect! What isn’t natural?
Student #2: Oh! For an animal to act in a most unusualway.
Professor: Really? Does the Natural Law permit acreature to befoul itself?
Professor: What about ducks?
Professor: Consider ducks. If a duck were to wet,would it not soil its own large, webbed feet?
Student #3: Ducks are wet in the water — they’d swimaway from it.
Professor: What about the ones that walk around on theshore? Surely they’re not running into the seawhenever the pressing need to take a leak is withthem!
Student #6: Well, they lift their leg.
Professor: What?! And then they put their foot rightdown in the big orange puddle?
Students: How unnatural!
Student #5: Well, they ARE ducks.
Student #4: Are you suggesting that their feet are toobig?
Student #2: I know! They urinate and run at the sametime!
Student #1: [to the other students] I think Elizabethwas on to something there, uh, with this lifting theleg business. Perhaps they lift their leg and insteadof putting it down again, they – they simply … hopaway.
Professor: Like this, you mean?[The Professor, standing at the chalkboard at thefront of the room, starts hopping up and down on onefoot. Apparently fed up with this insanity, Cochiserises from his seat, a tomahawk in his hand. He takesaim and throws it at the Professor. Then we pan overto the Professor whose deadpan face is only inchesaway from the tomahawk which is embedded in thechalkboard beside him. The Professor turns to theclass, annoyed.]
Professor: Who threw that? Come on. [Cochise standsstone-faced] Who was it?[The Professor looks around the room indignantly as wedissolve back to the title graphic: COCHISE AT Oxford]
Don Pardo: Don’t miss Episode Two: Drums Along theThames — next time on Cochise at Oxford.