SNL Transcripts: Eric Idle: 12/09/78: Candy Slice Recording Session

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 8

78h: Eric Idle / Kate Bush

Candy Slice Recording Session

Phil Malone … John Belushi
Justin … Eric Idle
Backup Singer #1 … Laraine Newman
Backup Singer #2 … Jane Curtin
Jerry Eldini … Bill Murray
Candy Slice … Gilda Radner

[Recording studio. Out on the floor, punk singer CandySlice’s manager Justin, an Englishman in suit and tie,chats with the musicians in the studio band. ProducerPhil Malone enters from the control room to confronthim.]

Phil Malone: Now, look. Where is she? It’s beensix and a half hours. We’ve been waiting for six and ahalf hours. Who the hell does she think sheis?

Justin: Look, she’s an artist. She’s a genius.She’s a rock messiah. She’s the future! She’llbe here. Relax.

Phil Malone: Look, I’ve worked with a lot of”rock messiahs” before. They never kept me waiting.Not me — not Phil Malone! Naw, I worked with – Iworked with Hendrix! Hendrix never kept mewaiting. Jim Morrison never kept me waiting.

Backup Singer #1: What about Jim Croce?

Phil Malone: Once. But it wasn’t hisfault.

Backup Singer #1: I think it’s an honor to bekept waiting by Candy Slice. I mean, she’s a poet.What’s the matter with all of you?

[Oily music company rep and drug supplier JerryEldini, wearing a garish yellow POLYSUTRA jacket,enters and starts schmoozing with everyone.]

Jerry Eldini: Ohhh! Hi, Phil. Good! The band’shere. Hi, Justin, decent jacket. How are you?You must be the back-up singers. Jerry Eldini,Polysutra A & R, how ya doin’, kids? Phil! [kisses theproducer on the head] Beautiful to work with you, man.How are you?

Phil Malone: Eldini, we’ve been waiting six anda half hours. You’re supposed to keep an eye on her.Where is she? Who the hell does she think she isanyway?

Jerry Eldini: I am sorry. Five more minutes,Phil, please?

Phil Malone: No!

Jerry Eldini: Can we talk for a second?

[Eldini turns his back on the others (and the camera)to hide the fact that Phil is being invited to leanover and take a fast snort of Eldini’s cocaine – Philleans in, his head briefly hidden from view, thenquickly straightens up, wiping his nose.]

Phil Malone: Okay, five minutes.

Justin: Jerry, uh, could we talk for asecond?

Jerry Eldini: Certainly.

Justin: Thank you.

[Justin, too, leans in for a quick toot of the devil’sdandruff, then straightens and confers with producerPhil.]

Justin: Uh, anyway, Phil. I think you’re -you’re really gonna get off on her raw energy, man,you know?

Phil Malone: Okay. Where is she?

Justin: Well, ah, let me check thehall.

[Justin goes to the hall door and opens it. Slumped inthe doorway is a barely conscious, completely wastedCandy Slice, wearing a sleeveless pink top. She fallsforward and Jerry catches her before she lands facefirst on the floor.]

Justin: Candy!

[Justin hauls her into the room and offers her limphand to the producer.]

Justin: Candy, where have you been? We’ve beenwaiting for ya. Phil Malone, Candy Slice.

Phil Malone: Hi.

Justin: Say hello.

Phil Malone: [shakes hands, inspects her armfor needle marks] What’s she taking?

Justin: She’s clean, man. She just spent sixmonths in the Bahamas, detox-ing.

Jerry Eldini: Candy, how’d you slip away, youbright little, elusive butterfly of love?

[Candy, zombie-like and propped up by Justin, fails torecognize Eldini.]

Jerry Eldini: Come on, Jerry Eldini, A & R,Polysutra Records? Last night? Polysutra’s PowerfulPunk Promotion Party? Huh?

[Candy responds with a belch.]

Jerry Eldini: Party-party!Party-party-party-party! Huh? Remember? Tavern on theGreen? Tootski? Tootski, remember?

Phil Malone: Hey, you sure she’s allright?

Justin: Yeaaaaaaah, she’s fine. She’s a pro.She’ll get it in one take. Relax.

[Justin drags Candy to the microphone and tries toprop her up in front of it as Phil angrily confrontsEldini.]

Phil Malone: Eldini, I hold you personallyresponsible. You were in charge of her. It’s obviousshe’s been partying all night long. Who knows whatshe’s taken and– Oh, God! [hand to head, indespair]

Jerry Eldini: [tries to be reasonable] Phil.Phil. Let me give you a little bit of input,okay?

Phil Malone: What?

[Eldini turns his back – offers more coke.]

Jerry Eldini: Go.

[Phil leans in, takes a toot, snaps back to attentionand hurries into the control room. Justin joinsEldini.]

Justin: Jerry? Could I have a little bit ofinput … ?

Jerry Eldini: Sure.

Justin: … Uh, about the album cover.

[But Justin instead wants a little input from Eldini’sstash. He puts an arm around Eldini’s shoulder andleans in for a snort. Meanwhile, Candy, left alone atthe microphone, slowly collapses to the floor, takingthe mike down with her.]

Jerry Eldini: [reassuring Justin] The album isa monster. It’s guaranteed platinum. It’smonster-monster. I mean it. No problem.

Phil Malone: [over intercom] Okay, uh, we’reready to go, uh–

Justin: Yeah, she’s ready! [hauls Candy off thefloor]

Phil Malone: Where is she?

Justin: She’s ready. She’s ready. She’s here.

Candy Slice: [nearly incomprehensible] Wait aminute. Wait a minute. [Candy approaches the twonearby backup singers, one of whom has been mindlesslyusing a hair brush on her shiny locks] Hey! Can I haveyour brush?

Backup Singer #2: Sure.

[Backup singer hands over the brush. The singers watchas Candy uses it to brush her hair and then one of herhairy armpits.]

Backup Singer #1: Listen, uh, Candy. I’m sureyou hear this all the time, you know, uh, but – you’remy idol. I mean, when I heard your album “Making thePig Sick,” I stopped brushing my hair. You’reincredible, really.

Candy Slice: [points to the singer’s nose] Yergetting a zit! [offers the brush back] Here.

Backup Singer #2: Uh, no, you can keepit.

[Candy staggers back to Justin at themicrophone.]

Justin: Candy, you ready?

Candy Slice: Smoke! Smoke!

Justin: Oh. Give it up.

Phil Malone: Okay, are we all together now?Come on, let’s do a rundown.

Justin: [to Candy, as he backs away, taking thehair brush with him] Okay?

Phil Malone: Okay. “If You Look Close.” Takeone. Come on.

Keyboardist: [counts in the band] Okay. One,two, three, let’s go!

[The band crashes in with a thrashing punk rhythm butCandy just stands there, wobbling at the mike, andmisses her cue. Justin waves off the band who stopplaying and confers with Candy.]

Justin: All right, all right, all right. Whatis it, love? What do you want?

Candy Slice: Booze!

[Justin brings her a bottle a booze and chats with heras she drinks. Most of the liquor does not stay in hermouth but spills on the floor.]

Justin: Hey, you know, uh, Mick, Keith andWoody were thinking of dropping by later–

Phil Malone: [emerges from control room, upset,to Candy] Look! I got an album to do here! Do youunderstand? [calms down, tries down to reason withher] Now, Candy, Candy–

[Candy spits a mouthful of liquor in Phil’sface.]

Candy Slice: Sorry.

[Phil relieves Candy of the bottle. She sloppily andrepeatedly kisses Phil on the face.]

Phil Malone: Candy? Candy? Is – is thereanything that you need, Candy? I mean, are you happy,Candy? I mean, I want you to be happy, you know? Weall want you to be happy. Right? Doesn’t everybodywant her to be happy?

Various: Yeah! We want her to be happy. We alldo.

Phil Malone: So, are you ready to singnow, Candy?

Candy Slice: Gum!

Phil Malone: Gum! She wants a stick of gum!Okay.

[Fed up, Justin removes a wad of gum from his ownmouth and sticks it in Candy’s.]

Phil Malone: Good. Okay. Good. All right.Ready, everybody?

Justin: Yeah, yeah.

Phil Malone: [rushes into control room] Okay,all right. All right. [over intercom] “If You LookClose.” Take two.

Keyboardist: [counts in the band] One, two,three, let’s go!

[Band plays. Candy staggers away from the mike andcollapses against Justin, whispering in his ear. Bandstops playing.]

Justin: [placating Candy] I’ll take care of it.I’ll take care of it. Don’t worry. Don’t worry. I’lltake care of it.

Phil Malone: [emerges from control room] Nowwhat?

Justin: [points to the hair-brushing backupsinger] She wants her to cut her hair.

Phil Malone: What?

Justin: It’s shiny. It distracts her.

Phil Malone: Fine. Fine. All right, okay.[grabs scissors] Hair cut! The hair gets cut! Okay?There we go! Cut the hair. [lops off some hair, handsit to the backup singer] Here. That’s for you, honey.All right, wow. [exits into control room]

Backup Singer #1: [stares at Singer #2’s newhaircut] I liked it a lot better before.

Backup Singer #2: [to Singer #1] Does it reallylook bad?

Backup Singer #1: [to Singer #2] It’s not goodbut I guess it’ll grow out in ’bout a year ortwo.

Jerry Eldini: [sympathetic, to Singer #2]Relax. I know a dynamite hair cutter. How ’bout alittle tootski?

Backup Singer #2: [delighted] Tootski!

Jerry Eldini: [back to camera] All right. Go![Singer #2 leans in for a toot] Okay. Go! [Singer #1leans in for a toot] [Justin lifts Candy in the air and carries her back tothe microphone, puts her hands on the mike stand,steadies her, then retreats to the controlroom.]

Phil Malone: [over intercom] Okay, uh, let’stry it again. “If You Look Close.” Take three. Let’sgo.

Keyboardist: [counts in the band] One, two,three, let’s go!

[Band plays. Candy abruptly hits her cue and singswith energy and passion.]

Candy Slice: [sings]
I’m sexless – I sing loud
Know that always gets a crowd
I talk dirty – and I’m proud
No dry cleanin’ is allowed
I am funky – I don’t bathe
I am rock and roll’s new slave
I am punky – to the grave
I can’t sing but I can raaaaaaaaave

Watch my blouse!

I got the rhythm
High heeled feet
Pants to go with ’em

Candy and Backup Singers:
I am hot
Don’t need no bra
Got what it takes
To make a starrrr!

[Candy dances jerkily and robotically as the bandgrooves behind her.]

Keyboardist: One, two, three, four!

[The music cools down for a moment and Candy staggersback to the mike.]

Candy Slice: [sings]
If you look close
You can see my tips
‘Cause I want ya to
But don’t want ya to know that I do!

[Candy hops around the studio frantically.]

Backup Singers: [sing]
If you look close – you can see my tits,
‘Cause i want you to, but don’t want you to know I do
If you look close – you can see my tits,
‘Cause I want you to, but don’t want you to know thatI dooooooo

Candy Slice: [sings]
I am bitter – I don’t care
I have never washed my hair
I’m immoral – and a pig [snort]

Candy and Backup Singers:
And I’m makin’ it real biiiig!

Candy Slice: [sings]
Do you know what I mean?
Do you know what I mean?
Do you know what I– ?
Do you know what I– ?
Do you know– ?
Do you know– ?
Do you know– ?
Do ya – Do ya – Do ya – Do ya – Do ya – Do ya – Do ya-
Do – Do – Do – Do – Do – Do – Do – Do – Do – Do – Do -Do
Doody – Doody – Doody – Doody – Doody – Doody -Doody
Do – Do – Do – Do – Do – Do – Do – Do – Do – Do – Do -Do
Uhhhhh….!

[Candy collapses to the floor as the band finishes upand the crowd cheers and applauds. Phil, Justin andEldini emerge from the control room happily andcongratulate the band and backup singers over Candy’sunconscious, prostrate body as we hear a playback ofCandy’s song.]

Jerry Eldini: [holds up some coke] Tootski! Whowants one?

[Dissolve to a wider view of the set, the cameras andthe Studio 8H audience – then pull back. Before fadingout, we see a SUPER: coming up next… Charlie’s AngelDust]

Submitted Anonymously

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