SNL Transcripts: Eric Idle: 12/09/78: Telepsychic Ray

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 8

78h: Eric Idle / Kate Bush

Telepsychic Ray

Telepsychic Ray…..Dan Aykroyd

Telepsychic Ray: Hi, welcome to Cable TV Channel D. This is “Telepsychic”. My name is Ray, and I’ll be taking your calls today.Here’s the numbers: 555-1231, 2, 3, 4 and 5. Our lines are open, ask me about anything today – about life, jobs, money, love.. anything at all, I’ll predict for you. Hello, Telepsychic.

Caller #1: Uh.. yeah.. yeah.. I lost my job, and I need some money. Uh.. am I gonna get some money soon, and get a job?

Telepsychic Ray: Okay, uh.. yes.. in a week.. somebody will give you some money.. and you’ll get a new job in.. oh.. about a month. Okay?

Caller #1: Okay, thank you, Ray!

Telepsychic Ray: Okay. Hello, Telepsychic.

Caller #2: Uh, yeah.. my girlfriend won’t go out with me any more.. but, uh.. I don’t care, because we’ve been going out for a long time, anyway.. and I’d like to find somebody new, anyway.. but, uh.. do you think she might come back to me, anyway?

Telepsychic Ray: Uh…. no. Uh.. yes.. yes. I predict you’ll go out with someone new for awhile.

Caller #2: Oh, for how long you think?

Telepsychic Ray: Uh…. oh, about a month.. or so.. and then your old girlfriend will come back to you, and you’ll be together again.. for about a month, okay?

Caller #2: Uh.. okay. Thank you very much.

Telepsychic Ray: Hello, Telepsychic.

Caller #3: Am I on?

Telepsychic Ray: Yeah, you’re on the air. Go ahead.

Caller #3: My seester wants to take some butter..

Telepsychic Ray: [ hangs up quickly ] Hello, Telepsychic.

Caller #4: Hi I have a sick friend, and I want to know if she’ll get better, and when.

Telepsychic Ray: Uh.. okay.. uh.. yes. She’s gonna get better.. and I feel that she should get better.. in.. oh.. about a couple of months.. okay?

Caller #4: Yeah? Well, I don’t got no sick friend, I just made that up! I said, I don’t got no sick friend! What do you think of that?

Telepsychic Ray: I think you’re sick.

Caller #4: What?!

Telepsychic Ray: ..I predict you’re the one who’s gonna get sick!

Caller #4: I’m gonna get sick?!

Telepsychic Ray: Uh.. yes.. I feel you have a lump.. a clot in your back, and it’s moving, growing, and moving, moving up into your neck.

Caller #4: Well, will it go away? Am I gonna get better?

Telepsychic Ray: No. no. Definitely not.

Caller #4: No, come on!

Telepsychic Ray: No, no.. it’s gonna move into your neck and choke you, okay?

Caller #4: Okay.

Telepsychic Ray: Okay. Hello, Telepsychic.

Caller #5: Hello. Listen, my favorite show is “Saturday Night”, and I was wondering if you could tell me how they’re gonna start the show this week?

Telepsychic Ray: Uh.. okay. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

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