Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 8
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray
… Jane Curtin
… Bill Murray
Valerie Harper … Gilda Radner
Chico Escuela … Garrett Morris
Father Guido Sarducci … Don Novello
Jane Curtin: [seated at WU desk in front ofphoto of bikini babes washing an automobile]Auto-eroticism for horny cars … This story and moreon Weekend Update next.[AFTER COMMERCIAL BREAK:]
Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update with theWeekend Update news team. Brought to you byReincarnation — The Evaporated Milk from Dead Cows!… Here are Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.
Jane Curtin: Good evening. I’m Jane Curtin.Here now the news. Our top story tonight:
In an interview last week, Ronald Reagan proudlypointed out that, over the years, the Reverend JimJones had supported a number of political figures fromthe Democratic party but never any from theRepublican. Well, Weekend Update has looked into thepast histories of some recent mass murderers and foundsome surprising information. Richard Speck, who killedeight nurses, was a Republican precinct chairman inChicago … and was once vice-president of Wisconsin’sRepublican Ripon Society. Juan Corona, the Californiamachete killer, was a speechwriter for Barry Goldwater… and David Berkowitz, the Son of Sam slayer, was,and still is, a Youth for Nixon. Bill? …
Bill Murray: San Francisco residents have beenshaken in recent weeks and, as a result of theincreasingly gloomy climate of the city, singer TonyBennett today had his heart picked up and moved to asafer place. …
Well, to make room for new mid-season TV programs,dozens of shows have gotten the axe this week and oneof them, I’m sorry to say, is “Rhoda.” Which brings usto this week’s Celebrity Corner because my guesttonight is the star of “Rhoda,” Valerie Harper. [Billturns to smiling, gum-chewing Valerie Harper (dressedas her character Rhoda Morgenstern) who appears on theChroma-Key screen behind him] Hi, Val!
Valerie Harper: Hi, Bill!
Bill Murray: Welcome to CelebrityCorner.
Valerie Harper: Hi, Bill!
Bill Murray: Kitten, let’s get to the uglystuff, first. Your cancellation. How do you feel aboutit, Val?
Valerie Harper: [thick New York accent] Oh, I’mfine. Listen, I had my shot. I got my break on the old”Mary Tyler Moore Show,” they gave me my own showwhich ran for five and a half years, and now I’m off.That’s life.
Bill Murray: That’s all well and good, honey,but how do you really feel about it?
Valerie Harper: [in denial] I don’t wanna tawkabout it.
Bill Murray: Valerie!
Valerie Harper: I really don’t wanna tawk aboutit.
Bill Murray: Valerie-a!
Valerie Harper: I’m ticked off!
Bill Murray: You’re ticked off. Okay, nowthat’s the old adorable Rhoda that I love so much.Now, why do you think you were canceled?
Valerie Harper: You know why they canceled me,Bill? You really wanna know why? Anti-Semitism. …CBS hates Jews. That’s why I was canceled.
Bill Murray: [amused] Val, you are sowrong. CBS does not hate Jews. I happen to knowthat Bill Paley, the chairman of CBS, is Jewish. And,furthermore, you’re not Jewish.
Valerie Harper: [long pause] … I’m not?!…
Bill Murray: No. Rhoda Morgenstern is, butValerie Harper is not. …
Valerie Harper: I’m dyin’ … Are you sure I’mnot Jewish? …
Bill Murray: [sighs] I’m sure I’m sure.
Valerie Harper: I’m a shiksa? … A bland,humorless, “makes a lousy mother because she caresmore about whiskey and spam than she does her ownchildren” shiksa? …
Bill Murray: Well, yes, I’m afraid so.
Valerie Harper: Then why do I tawk like this?…
Bill Murray: It beats me, Valerie. Thanks forbeing with us on Celebrity Corner. [Valerie Harperdisappears as Bill turns back to the camera] ValerieHarper, a very confused star of “Rhoda.” [applause]Jane?
Jane Curtin: This just in: The U.S. Post Officehas issued a special Christmas season reminder formembers of Synanon. To avoid the Christmas rush, getyour snakes in the mail early. …
Well, it looks like we’re going to set the clocks backagain tonight for something the people in Washingtonare calling “Christmas Savings Time.” Tonight atmidnight, we all set back the clock seven hours,making it five o’clock, then those stores that stayopen till nine will re-open, making Christmas shoppinga snap. …
Now, we’d like to welcome a new member to our Updateteam, the former All-Star second baseman for the NewYork Mets, Chico Escuela. Welcome, Chico. [Chicoclears his throat, photo of smiling Chico Escuela inbaseball uniform and holding a bat] Chico will becovering the sports scene for Weekend Update.[applause for Chico, a Dominican ballplayer who sitsopposite Jane – he has a thick Dominican accent andspeaks very little English]
Chico Escuela: Thank you. Thank you, berry,berry much. … Base-ball … been berry, berry goodto me. … Thank you, Hane. … [Photo of major leagueballplayer Pete Rose] Pete-ee Rose … Base-ball beenberry, berry good to Pete Rose. … Three – point -two – million – dollar para Pete Rose. Charlie Hustle,you bet. … Thank you very, very much. [NationalFootball League schedule is shown] In – foot-ball …I don’t know – football. … In Dominican Republic,foot-ball is — how you say, Hane? Um – Oh! — soccer!Your football– [pause] I don’t know. … [Hockeygraphic] In National Hockey League … [shakes hishead] I don’t know hockey … [applause, photo ofsmiling Chico again] In base-ball– Base-ball beenberry, berry good to me! … Thank you very much.Thank you. Thank you very much. [applause] Hane? Thankyou, Hane.
Jane Curtin: [genuinely enthusiastic] Greatjob, Chico. I’m glad that we haven’t hired justanother stupid ex-jock sportscaster. …
Menachem Begin, in Oslo to pick up his half of theNobel Peace Prize tomorrow, says that he’ll give theprize money — his share of the one hundred thirtythousand dollars — to the state of Israel. AnwarSadat says he’ll use the money to build a monument topeace near Cairo. Sadat says the monument will becalled “The $65,000 Pyramid.” … Bill?
Bill Murray: Retired Army General William C.Westmoreland stated this week that the advances madein medicine as a result of the Vietnam War have savedmore lives than those lost in that conflict.Accordingly, the Pentagon has recommended that theUnited States immediately begin World War III in thehope of wiping out all disease. … Jane?
Jane Curtin: Earlier this October, Congressextended the period for ratification of the EqualRights Amendment. Yet, since then not one additionalstate legislature has ratified this most basicaffirmation of human rights. It is time we women tookaction. As a spokesperson for Weekend Update, I amtherefore calling on the women of America to place amoratorium on the act of performing oral sex on anymale … until the ERA is the law. … Now, this mayseem a little harsh [scattered applause] but I feel itis the only alternative that we have. … I don’tknow–
Bill Murray: [unhappy and increasingly nervous]Wait – just a minute, here. … [applause] Jane, I amfor ERA as much as you or anybody else but I don’t seewhy I should suffer … as a result– becausesome state legislators in Illinois refuse to back it!I mean, their wives are probably anti-ERA anyway. Imean, wh- what difference is it gonna make?
Jane Curtin: We-e-ell, Bill, maybe this methodwill make men like you put a little pressure on thesestate legislators.
Bill Murray: [desperate] Well, Jane, somepeople react negatively to too much pressure. Thiscould hurt ERA. … We’d hate to hurt ERA now.
Jane Curtin: [amused] I doubt it, Bill. I thinkyou’re just reacting out of self-interest. …
Bill Murray: [taking a different approach]Well, okay, Jane. But remember that oral sex is asword that cuts both ways. No oral sex — you knowwhat I’m saying? [Jane suddenly looks worried] … I’mtalking about a moratorium on guys performing oral sexon girls.
Jane Curtin: [instant conversion] Uh, maybeyou’re right, Bill, uh– … Forget what I said….
Bill Murray: [smugly] Okay. That’s better,Jane. … [extended applause as Bill winks at Janeand, very pleased with himself, the audience, too – hethrows himself into the next news item with greatgusto, to the amusement of the crowd]
Hordes of rats overtook a bus in downtownAlbany yesterday … and demanded to be taken to thecity zoo, fed, washed, and presented with littlewoolen jackets like dogs wear. … Fortunately, manyof the passengers on the bus had just been to a cheesefair and were able to placate the rats with horsd’oeuvres and light conversation. …
Well, it’s been almost a year that Mayor Koch has hada chance to fulfill his promise to clean up New York.The center of the problem is, of course, Forty-SecondStreet. Some New Yorkers think that the area hasn’tgotten any worse but many feel that it has. We decidedto investigate the scene firsthand and, in order tomaintain an objective viewpoint, we sent our friend,the gossip columnist for L’Osservatore Romano, FatherGuido Sarducci, to take a look. Father Sarducci?[Cheers and applause as we pan over to the gentle,mustachioed, cigarette smoking, Italian-accentedFather Guido Sarducci.]
Father Guido Sarducci: Thank you, Bill. Thankyou. Well, I must say that I think the Forty-SecondStreet area has definitely gotten worse. I was therefor the first time ’bout five years ago and I wentback again and it’s worse than it was before, that’s-afor sure. I went to this one place, new place downthere. It’s-a called “Nude Wrestling.” … I thought,you know, at first, maybe it was just like a front fora massage parlor. But no, it was what it-a saysit is, nude wrestling. And there was this girl inthere, you know, and she was real nice-a to me, youknow, real pretty girl, and she says, what it is is,it cost twenty dollars and you get to wrestle for onehalf hour, thirty minutes.
Well, personally, y’know, I never like to fight much.Got in-a one fight my whole life, you know, was in-athe seminary. This is true — Father Chingotti is hisname — I name him by name. … He pulled my T-shirtdown and everything, you know what I mean? Who needsit? … But this was-a different, you know, and, uh, Ihaven’t got any exercise all the time I’m livin’ inNew York, you know? So I says, you know–
She says, Well, all you gotta do, go behind thecurtain — they have like four little rooms — says,you take off your clothes and come out fightin’ whenyou hear the bell ring. … Well, I go in there. I’mwaitin’, you know, it’s-a five minutes. Ten minutes.Fifteen minutes, you know, I’m cold. … I – Ithought, you know, maybe she was like doin’ somecalisthenics, y’know, gettin’ loosened up, somethin’like that. … That wasn’t the case. You know whatthey do there at that nude wrestling place? They makeyou wait till another customer comes in … That guy,you know, he was as shocked as me, you know, when–… when we come out of-a there, you know what I mean?Should-a seen the look on his face, I’m tellin’ you…. Anyway– I won two out of three, though. … Hey,I mean, twenty dollars investment — you just can’twaste it, right? …
I must say, though, they do have some good souvenirsin the Forty-Second Street district. I bought thisthing here. [holds up what looks like a large,plastic, red apple] It’s like a lighter, “Big Apple”they call it. And when you pull it, [pulls the stemout of the apple to reveal a flaming cigarettelighter] lights up for cigarettes like, you know? Costtwelve dollars. And I priced them in other areas. Wastwelve twenty-five in another store. And inanother store, was-a twelve thirty-five. So,Forty-Second Street area is-a good for some things.Maybe it’s not good for other things. And my advice isthat you have to use your own judgment. … Itwas more than wonderful talkin’-a to you. Arrivederci,America! Gracias. [applause][Under the applause, Bill thanks Father Sarducci andwinks to Jane.]
Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night andhave a pleasant tomorrow.