SNL Transcripts: Eric Idle: 12/09/78: What Do You?

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 8

78h: Eric Idle / Kate Bush

What Do You?

Host … Eric Idle
Lord Lupus … Tom Schiller
Deaconess of Detroit … Gilda Radner

[SIGN reads WHAT DO YOU — the word “DO” has abull’s-eye painted in the letter O. As innocuous gameshow music plays, we pull back and pan down to reveala game show set with a host and two cheerfulcontestants. The fast-talking host, in a garish plaidsuit, addresses the camera, his lengthy spielpunctuated by appropriate sound effects.]

Host: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, andwelcome to another edition of “What Do You [cuckoo]?”– a new game show loosely based on all the old gameshows. The rules are very simple. Each week, we shallask a team of two personalities — Lord Lupus…

Lord Lupus: Hello.

Host: … and the Deaconess of Detroit…

Deaconess: Hello.

Host: … a series of questions in either[bell] category, [buzzer] category, or specialcategory [gunshot]. If they get it right, they get a[horn, shave-and-a-haircut]. And if they get the wronganswer, they get a [raspberry] from the studioaudience.

At the end of the contest, they will hear this –[prizefight bell] — and they must stop immediately.At any point in the proceedings they may be given a[deep buzzer] which means they can ask for anotherquestion. Or if they hear a [alarm bell] — it’s thefire alarm.

When they want to interrupt a [multiple bells]question or a [buzzer] question but not a [gunshot]question, they must press their special buttons. LordLupus, will you press yours?

[Lord Lupus presses his button and we hear Goofy Tune#1]

And, Deaconess, yours.

[The Deaconess presses her button and we hear GoofyTune #2]

If they get it right, they get fifteen points on thescoreboards here, four letters on the blackboard foreach correct part, and a shot from our Mystery Gunner.

[As we hear the sound of an arrow flying through theair and making a springboard sound, the host watchesan actual arrow fired into the bull’s-eye of thegame’s sign overhead. Close shot of the arrow stickingout of the sign.]

Like so. In the event of a tie, I shall start theclock. [starts the clock which ticks loudly] Like so.[stops clock] And there will be a choice of either a[horn, shave-and-a-haircut] or a [raspberry] for thefirst of either the [Goofy Tune #1] contestant or the[Goofy Tune #2] contestant who can make the GoldenWord “Birmingham” from his four letters.

And he will get a [crowd cheer] — which means thathe’s this week’s winner.

Right. Well, those, very simply, are the rules. We’llbe back again same time next week. Till then, good-byefrom Lord Lupus.

Lord Lupus: Goodbye!

Host: And from the Deaconess ofDetroit.

Deaconess: Goodbye!

Host: And, from me, it’s [cymbal crash plusGoofy Tune #3 with slide whistle as the host is shotin the belly with an arrow and falls backward in hischair, dead].

[Zoom in on the show’s sign, then dissolve to a widershot of the set, cameras, applauding audience, etc.SUPER: did you know …. The Computer InventedItself]

Submitted Anonymously

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