Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 8
What Do You?
Host … Eric Idle
Lord Lupus … Tom Schiller
Deaconess of Detroit … Gilda Radner
[SIGN reads WHAT DO YOU — the word “DO” has abull’s-eye painted in the letter O. As innocuous gameshow music plays, we pull back and pan down to reveala game show set with a host and two cheerfulcontestants. The fast-talking host, in a garish plaidsuit, addresses the camera, his lengthy spielpunctuated by appropriate sound effects.]
Host: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, andwelcome to another edition of “What Do You [cuckoo]?”– a new game show loosely based on all the old gameshows. The rules are very simple. Each week, we shallask a team of two personalities — Lord Lupus…
Lord Lupus: Hello.
Host: … and the Deaconess of Detroit…
Host: … a series of questions in either[bell] category, [buzzer] category, or specialcategory [gunshot]. If they get it right, they get a[horn, shave-and-a-haircut]. And if they get the wronganswer, they get a [raspberry] from the studioaudience.
At the end of the contest, they will hear this –[prizefight bell] — and they must stop immediately.At any point in the proceedings they may be given a[deep buzzer] which means they can ask for anotherquestion. Or if they hear a [alarm bell] — it’s thefire alarm.
When they want to interrupt a [multiple bells]question or a [buzzer] question but not a [gunshot]question, they must press their special buttons. LordLupus, will you press yours?[Lord Lupus presses his button and we hear Goofy Tune#1]
And, Deaconess, yours.[The Deaconess presses her button and we hear GoofyTune #2]
If they get it right, they get fifteen points on thescoreboards here, four letters on the blackboard foreach correct part, and a shot from our Mystery Gunner.
Like so. In the event of a tie, I shall start theclock. [starts the clock which ticks loudly] Like so.[stops clock] And there will be a choice of either a[horn, shave-and-a-haircut] or a [raspberry] for thefirst of either the [Goofy Tune #1] contestant or the[Goofy Tune #2] contestant who can make the GoldenWord “Birmingham” from his four letters.
And he will get a [crowd cheer] — which means thathe’s this week’s winner.
Right. Well, those, very simply, are the rules. We’llbe back again same time next week. Till then, good-byefrom Lord Lupus.
Lord Lupus: Goodbye!
Host: And from the Deaconess ofDetroit.
Host: And, from me, it’s [cymbal crash plusGoofy Tune #3 with slide whistle as the host is shotin the belly with an arrow and falls backward in hischair, dead].[Zoom in on the show’s sign, then dissolve to a widershot of the set, cameras, applauding audience, etc.SUPER: did you know …. The Computer InventedItself]