SNL Transcripts: Eric Idle: 12/09/78: What Do You?


Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 8

78h: Eric Idle / Kate Bush

What Do You?

Host … Eric Idle
Lord Elpus … Tom Schiller
Deaconess of Detroit … Gilda Radner

[SIGN reads WHAT DO YOU — the word “DO” has abull’s-eye painted in the letter O. As innocuous gameshow music plays, we pull back and pan down to reveala game show set with a host and two cheerfulcontestants. The fast-talking host, in a garish plaidsuit, addresses the camera, his lengthy spielpunctuated by appropriate sound effects.]

Host: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, andwelcome to another edition of “What Do You [cuckoo]?”– a new game show loosely based on all the old gameshows. The rules are very simple. Each week, we shallask a team of two personalities — Lord Elpus…

Lord Elpus: Hello.

Host: … and the Deaconess of Detroit…

Deaconess: Hello.

Host: … a series of questions in either[bell] category, [buzzer] category, or specialcategory [gunshot]. If they get it right, they get a[horn, shave-and-a-haircut]. And if they get the wronganswer, they get a [raspberry] from the studioaudience.

At the end of the contest, they will hear this –[prizefight bell] — and they must stop immediately. At any point in the proceedings they may be given a[deep buzzer] which means they can ask for anotherquestion. Or if they hear a [alarm bell] — it’s thefire alarm.

When they want to interrupt a [multiple bells]question or a [buzzer] question but not a [gunshot]question, they must press their special buttons. Lord Elpus, will you press yours?

[Lord Elpus presses his button and we hear Goofy Tune#1]

And, Deaconess, yours.

[The Deaconess presses her button and we hear GoofyTune #2]

If they get it right, they get fifteen points on thescoreboards here, four letters on the blackboard foreach correct part, and a shot from our Mystery Gunner.

[As we hear the sound of an arrow flying through theair and making a springboard sound, the host watchesan actual arrow fired into the bull’s-eye of thegame’s sign overhead. Close shot of the arrow stickingout of the sign.]

Like so. In the event of a tie, I shall start theclock. [starts the clock which ticks loudly] Like so.[stops clock] And there will be a choice of either a[horn, shave-and-a-haircut] or a [raspberry] for thefirst of either the [Goofy Tune #1] contestant or the[Goofy Tune #2] contestant who can make the GoldenWord “Birmingham” from his four letters.

And he will get a [crowd cheer] — which means thathe’s this week’s winner.

Right. Well, those, very simply, are the rules. We’llbe back again same time next week. Till then, good-byefrom Lord Elpus.

Lord Elpus: Goodbye!

Host: And from the Deaconess ofDetroit.

Deaconess: Goodbye!

Host: And, from me, it’s [cymbal crash plusGoofy Tune #3 with slide whistle as the host is shotin the belly with an arrow and falls backward in hischair, dead].

[Zoom in on the show’s sign, then dissolve to a widershot of the set, cameras, applauding audience, etc.SUPER: did you know …. The Computer InventedItself]

Submitted Anonymously

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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Rob Newell
Rob Newell
4 years ago

Not Lord Lupus – Lord Elpus (Lord Help Us). Originally on ‘Monty Python’s Previous Record’ audio.

Rob Newell
Rob Newell
Reply to  Don Roy King
4 years ago

Welcome. I always loved this sketch

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