Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 9
Bob and Ray
Interviewer … Bob Elliott
Garth … Ray Goulding
… Elliott Gould
Elliott Gould: Ladies and gentlemen, Bob and Ray.[Dissolve to classic radio comedians Bob and Ray whosit together in a sort of festive holiday talk showsetting. The big guy, Ray — in character as ParnellW. Garth — holds a small, sickly, dried-up fir tree.His smaller partner, Bob — father of future SNL castmember Chris Elliott — addresses the camera.]
Interviewer: Every year as the holiday season rollsaround, we have our scouts search the train stations,the bus depots, trying to find people who have, uh,well, hard luck stories to tell, and we try to maketheir Christmas season a little bit happier. We have,uh, an unfortunate gentleman here. [to Garth] Ibelieve our scouts found you over at the PortAuthority bus station, wasn’t that right, sir?
Garth: Yes, it was in the bus terminal there I wassittin’ and, uh, I guess I looked depressed.
Interviewer: Probably did. Tell us your story rightfrom the start, will you, so we’ll–?
Garth: Well, it was back on Labor Day and, uh, a bunchof fellas, my friends and myself, are sitting on theback porch havin’ a couple of drinks.
Interviewer: You’re from out Seattle way, I believe.
Garth: And, uh, we get thinking — it was Labor Day –about Thanksgiving and then Christmas and I said…
Garth: … you know, that big tree they have there inNew York every year, they never bring it from theGreat Northwest. Now, we’re proud of our fir trees outthere and seems like they always get a tree fromPennsylvania…
Interviewer: Up in New England someplace.
Garth: Massachusetts, somewhere like that. So I’measily led. And we had a few drinks.
Garth: So the, uh, the fellas said, well, uh, whydon’t you cut down a tree and take it to New York, uh,Parnell?
Interviewer: Sell it to Radio City, huh?
Interviewer: Uh huh.
Garth: So, it sounded, at the time, like a good idea,I would say.
Interviewer: Right, right.
Garth: So I go out and I get a saw and I go out andcut one down in my back yard. So I didn’t have themoney to fly, so I got a bus ticket and, uh–
Interviewer: You were going to bring this tree…
Interviewer: … all the way by bus to, uh…
Interviewer: … sell–
Garth: I brought it all the way from Tacoma,Washington.
Interviewer: I understand. Now, what did you do, tieit up and lash it to the top of the bus or what?
Garth: No, they wouldn’t let me do that. The drivermade me hold it on my lap clear across the country.So, uh…
Interviewer: Kind of uncomfortable.
Garth: It was uncomfortable. Made the trip alittle longer. Well, I made a lot of side trips, youknow? I didn’t see the country, so I saw YellowstonePark and Dodge City and those places.
Interviewer: You had to carry this with you, all over?
Garth: Sure. I wouldn’t let it out of my sight. I wasgonna sell it for a fortune, I thought, here in NewYork.
Garth: And, you know, there’s a right way and a wrongway to go through a bus door with this thing.
Interviewer: Well, sure. You put it through that endfirst, right?
Garth: This is the wrong way. [demonstrates]
Interviewer: That’s wrong.
Garth: That’s the way I – That’s the way I did it.
Interviewer: It looks as if it has been through, uh,quite a great deal. What happened when you got to NewYork?
Garth: Well, when I got to New York, there at the busterminal was a fella dozing.
Interviewer: Uh huh.
Garth: He was a very distinguished looking gentleman,uh, and I said, uh, who do I go to, uh, here in NewYork to sell this tree?
Interviewer: Uh huh.
Garth: He says you go up to Rockefeller Center.
Garth: So I walked up there–
Interviewer: Did you notice they’d already bought one?It was already up.
Garth: I hadn’t noticed.
Garth: So, uh, I get up there and I go in and–
Interviewer: Who did you see first?
Garth: Starter at the elevator.
Garth: He gave me a fishy look like I was some kind ofa nut, you know.
Interviewer: Oh, I’m sure.
Garth: I’m no fool.
Garth: And, uh, so I said, “Who do I sell this tree tofor the Christmas season here?” And he said, “Well,gee, I don’t know. He said, I think the man you wantto see is John Chancellor.”
Interviewer: Might be, I suppose. Did you get to see him?
Garth: He wouldn’t let me up the elevator.
Interviewer: Oh, he wouldn’t?
Garth: No. So I stayed down there and, uh–
Interviewer: Did you notice him when he came out?
Garth: No, I was gonna say. What does John Chancellorlook like, you know?
Interviewer: Well, I can’t describe it right now.
Garth: Well, he must’ve slipped by me ’cause I didn’tknow him. So here I am — I’m out, well, I figure thebus fare was sixty dollars.
Garth: This tree is, you know, worth–
Interviewer: It’s not much now. It’s a fire hazard right now.
Garth: Aw, gee, a match, that thing’d go up like this.
Interviewer: Right. Your story has touched all of us,as I said, and we want to make your Christmas a littlebit happier, if we can Mister– What was the name again?
Garth: Parnell W. Garth.
Interviewer: Parnell Garth. Of Tacoma, Washington.
Interviewer: I remembered that. We would like to make…
Interviewer: … your Christmas happier.
Garth: Listen, I don’t want any tears or anything. Ididn’t put all my eggs in one basket.
Interviewer: Ah! You’ve got an ace in the hole?
Garth: You bet. Do you have a few moments?
Garth: Like to show you how I’m gonna bail out. No, if this was…
Interviewer: All right.
Garth: … my thing, I’d lose everything.
Interviewer: Oh, you may have a happy Christmas after all, huh?
Garth: I’ll be right back. [rises, exits]
Interviewer: [to the camera] Well, what looked like,uh, it was going to be a completely sad story may turnout a little bit better after all. [loud crash ofshattered glass from off screen] Mr. Garth?
Garth: [returns with a box full of broken coloredglass] This … this is my ace in the hole here.
Interviewer: Sit down. [Garth sits] What do you mean? What–?
Garth: Well, I mean… See, I’m a glass blower by trade.
Interviewer: Uh huh.
Garth: And these are all, uh, handmade…
Interviewer: You made …
Garth: … Christmas decorations that I – I sell toTiffany’s and Saks Fifth Avenue.
Interviewer: Oh, expensive ones, huh?
Garth: Twelve hundred dollars a piece.
Interviewer: You must have fifteen, twenty thousanddollars worth of ornaments in there.
Garth: This is my year’s output. This is all hand-painted.
Interviewer: Well, I’m afraid we–
Garth: This is twenty-four carat gold.
Interviewer: I understand. I’m afraid we do have arather sad story here after all, Mr., uh, Garth. Butwe want to make your Christmas a little bit happierand go back to Seattle with this carpenter’s extensionrule. [pulls a carpenter’s extension rule out of hisjacket pocket and hands it to Garth] I think you’llfind a great deal of use for it. Thank you very muchfor being with us. Happy Christmas.[Applause. Pull back. Garth, upset, throws thecarpenter’s extension rule down in disgust. Fade.]