SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 12/16/78: Christmas Tree Salesman


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 9

78i: Elliot Gould / Peter Tosh

Christmas Tree Salesman

Tree Lot Manager…..Elliot Gould
Honker…..Bill Murray
Prostitute…..Laraine Newman
Mother…..Gilda Radner
Little Girl…..Jane Curtin

[ open on Christmas tree lot, Tree Lot Manager notices Honker urinating behind one of the trees ]

Tree Lot Manager: Hey Hey, you, get outta there! Get outta there! [ pulls Honker aside ]

Honker: Hey, I wasn’t finished yet, do you mind?

Tree Lot Manager: Just get outta there! I got a respectable business here!

Honker: Yeah, I-I-I suppose this might have happened on the night of that blessed even in Bethlehem! I’m sure Joseph would have said, “You shephards! Go to your outhouse!” or something like that!

Tree Lot Manager: Yeah, well, what’s the matter with you?! Come on, go on, get outta there! [ pushes Honker off the lot ]

Prostitute: [ strolls up, as Honker sneaks behind another tree ] Hi! I want to buy a tree. Uh.. do we get a discount? We live right across the street.

Tree Lot Manager: Hmm.. you’re one of them dames from the Swedish Tiger Den Massage.

Prostitute: Well, I’m not from Zippy’s Instapress, Handsome. Listen.. it’s really freezing out here..

Tree Lot Manager: Well, you oughtta have a pair of mittens on.

Prostitute: Hmm.. I oughtta have a lot of things on.. [ opens her fur coat for a flash ] Listen, uh.. I’ll take that tree, if you’ll carry it across the street for me.

Tree Lot Manager: Well, I’m sorry, but I can’t leave my business..

Prostitute: Well.. how’d you like to go around the world in two minutes?

Tree Lot Manager: [ changes his mond ] Uh.. I’ll tell ya, this tree here goes for $15.. but I mean, two minutes.. what the heck! [ grabs tree and quickly follows the Prostitute across the street ] [ Mother and Little Girl walk up ]

Mother: Ohhh.. look at these Christmas trees, Jessica! Do you think we can find one Santa will like?

Little Girl: Oh, Momma, I’m cold, and I want to see more toys!

Mother: Oh, that’s just because you didn’t have your nap. Now, let’s buy a Christmas tree and go home.

Little Girl: Well, there’s a man over there! [ notices Honker urinating behind the tree ]

Honker: [ chuckles ] Excuse me, honey.. one of Santa’s Helpers on a five! How’s it going?

Mother: You’d better be good now, Jessica.

Little Girl: He’s not one of Santa’s Helpers! Let’s go, I’m cold, and I want some cocoa..

Mother: Jessica, now..

Honker: Uh-oh.. [ points to the sky ] There goes one of Santa’s birds! Uh-oh.. gee, I hope he didn’t see you being cranky like that!

Little Girl: [ curious ] Santa’s birds?

Honker: Oh, yeah, they report to Santa! [ rambles ] You see them around, you know, you know, they’re with Santa, you know, they’re out here, reporting back on the kids, making sure they’re being good and so forth.

Mother: Uh, excuse me? Could you show us that tall one, please?

Honker: [ looks ] Uh.. yeah, I suppose I could.. This one right here? [ picks up tree ] This is your Norway pine right here, I think.. Of course, you got the long needles on this baby – I guess this is Norway – you got the long needles on this one here..

Mother: Well, what do you think, Jessica?

Little Girl: No, I like the one we have at school!

Honker: Yeah, well, there’s something to that.. You don’t want the long needles right away, and you can poke an eye out, you know, and that can ruin a Christmas. You bet. But this is the one I prefer.. [ grabs another tree ] This is the classic spruce tree, of course.. look at that thing – beautiful – it’s a classic, it’s big, and it’s beautiful. Uh.. it’s safe, and it’s green, that’s what’s most important, that it’s green..

Mother: How much is that one?

Honker: Uh.. well, uh.. I think it’s only like a buck-and-ahalf a foot, or something.. let me see what we got here.. I’m about six feet, even, and that is about seven-and-a-half feet, you know.. so I figure.. a buck-and-a-half times seven, carry the three.. well, you know, it’s Christmas, what the heck, you got a tenspot on ya?

Mother: Oh, certainly! [ hands Honker a ten ]

Honker: Technically, I’m not supposed to accept this, with the boss not here, but it’s snowing so bad, got to and so forth..

Little Girl: He’s a nice man, Mommy! Why don’t you marry him!

Honker: [ laughs ] Boy, that’s a good one! You’re sharp! Because any guy in his right mind would be attracted to an attractive broad like your mom.. but, uh, I think we’d probably have to date for a while, don’t you, Mom?

Mother: Uh.. yes.. listen, you’ve been very, very sweet. I wonder if you could help us and carry it to our car and tie it to the roof?

Honker: Well, I.. uh.. do not have any twine.. uh.. but, tell me, how far away do you live?

Little Girl: Over there! [ points ]

Mother: Oh, ten blocks.

Honker: Uh-huh.. well, uh.. [ thinks ] Okay, I’ll just get up on top of the damn thing and hang on, you know.. uh.. give a shout if you see a pothole or something, because I do have a Christmas dinner myself tonight, over at the Hare Krishna temple, they’re having some of us over.. uh, a regualr thing.. it’s that health crap again, you know, but uh.. When in Rome, you do as the Romans do..

[ follows Mother and Little Girl to their car ] [ fade out ] [ SUPER: “coming up next… Second-Hand First-Aid Kits” ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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