Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 9
78i: Elliot Gould / Peter Tosh
Joan Crawford…..Jane Curtin
Christina Crawford (Colleen Fernman)…..Gilda Radner
Archer Armstrong…..Elliott Gould
Katharine Hepburn…..Laraine Newman
Clark Gable…..Dan Aykroyd
Cary Grant…..Bill Murray
[ open on close-up of a diary entry ]
Christina Crawford V/O: “The holiday season is always a time for rememberance. I’ll never forget Christmas in that movie star mansion in Brentwood. I remember the Christmas tree, dripping with tinsel and glitter. I remember the exquisitely-wrapped presents, piled up to the ceiling. But, most of all… I remember Mommie Dearest.”[ camera zooms in on a black-and-white portrait of Joan and Christina Crawford, as the title appears over it ] [ dissolve to flashback scene: Joan Crawford leaning behind Christina at Christmas time, both women dressed alike ]
Joan Crawford: …And then Mommie Dearest came to Hollywood and worked, struggled, and clawed her way to the top, so that she could give you everything she ever had… because Mommie Dearest loves you so very, very much — you miserable little wretch! [ she kisses Christina on the lips, then shoves her violently ] How DARE you mush Mommie’s lipstick?!! [ she hurriedly touches up her lipstick, then sighs contentedly ] Aren’t you lucky yo have been adopted by the most beautiful Mommie in the whole world? Don’t forget: Your Mommie, Joan Crawford, picked you out of all the PATHETIC little rejects whose mother didn’t want them! Now — to show Mommie Dearest how grateful you are to be adopted… give her a BIG servile hug! [ she hugs Christina tightly, then jumps tp her feet ] OH, DAMN!! You creased Mommie’s dress!! [ she smacks Christina, straightens her dress, then sighs contentedly ] Now… darling… before company arrives, it’s time for Charm Drill. Just do everything that Mommie does. Oh! And don’t forget, Christina — if you don’t behave in front of the company, Mommie will cut you out of her will![ Christina follows Joan out of the room, as they saunter back in ]
Joan Crawford: Now, when you enter a room, take possesion of it! Remember: You are always in command! When Mommie’s in the room, you’re second in command. [ they stand by the fireplace mantel and pose ] Cast a SPELL over the room, BEWITCH them with your gaze! Show off your dress like so… [ Joan curtsies with her dress, while Christina reveals her panties ] Glide… float… twirl… curtsy… [ Christina trips and falls to the floor ] YOU CLUMSY OAF!! [ she repeatedly smacks Christina before she can get back on her feet, then she sits on the loveseat and composes herself ] Now, come and give Mommie a kiss! [ Christina sits down next to Joan and kisses ehr on the lips until Joan begins to strangle her again ] How DARE you wear lipstick, you ignorant little SLUT?!! Go wash it off this second!! [ she shoves Christina out of the room ]
Bula: [ entering ] Miss Crawford! It’s Archer Armstrong, from The Hollywood Reporter!
Joan Crawford: [ pleased ] Show him in, Bula![ Bula exits the room, as Joan stands and readies herself for Armstrong’s entrance ]
Joan Crawford: Darling, welcome to my humble home…!
Archer Armstrong: Miss Crawford, Merry Christmas! it’s so KIND of you to have me here today!
Joan Crawford: Thank you!
Archer Armstrong: [ he notices Christina re-enter ] And there she is! There’s the person I really came to talk with. [ Christina bounces her head all around ] You must be the LUCKIEST little girl in ALL of Hollywood! Aren’t you? [ Christina shakes head from side to side ] Do you want to be a GREAT, big movie star, just like Mommie? [ Christina bounces her head all around ] Is that a new dolly? [ Christina bounces her head all around ] What’s her name? [ Christina looks blankly up at the ceiling ] Was Santa good to you this year? [ Christina bounces her head all around ] Do you mind if I set your hair on fire? [ Christina bounces her head all around ] Well, aren’t you the little shy one!
Joan Crawford: [ smiling wickedly ] It’s too bad you weren’t here ,i>earlier — she was talking up a blue streak! [ she reaches over and shoves Christina ]
Archer Armstrong: Really?
Joan Crawford: [ chuckling ] You just missed her Ethel Merman impression!
Archer Armstrong: And what was your favorite Christmas present?[ Christina looks blankly up at the ceiling ]
Joan Crawford: I was just about to give her her present now!
Archer Armstrong: Well, that sounds like FUN, doesn’t it, Christina?[ Joan hands Christina a present, which she opens to reveal an old steak ]
Joan Crawford: Oh, look, Precious! It’s your cold, congealed, bloody steak from last night’s dinner that you GAGGED on! Now, Santa made me promise that I couldn’t give you any presents until you ate your meat! [ she grabs Christina’s face ] Now, don’t GAG on it!
Bula: [ entering ] Miss Crawford, your guests have arrived!
Joan Crawford: Oh, show them in! Oh! And, Bula — why don’t you bring in some of those delicious Christmas cakes and cookies you’ve been baking all afternoon? Oh, and some egg nog for Mr. Armstrong. [ she shoves Christina back on the loveseat ]
Archer Armstrong: Oh, I’d love some!
Bula: Yes! [ she exits ] [ Katharine Hepburn, Clark Gable and Cary Grant enter ]
Katharine Hepburn: Guess who’s here!
Clark Gable: Merry Christmas!
Joan Crawford: Oh, God, darlings, how terribly sweet of you to drop by! Arthur Armstrong… my dear friend Clark Gable…
Cary Grant: [ shaking his hand ] How do you do?
Archer Armstrong: Clark.
Joan Crawford: Cary Grant…
Clark Gable: [ shaking his hand ] Pleased to meet you, Armstrong!
Joan Crawford: And Katharine Hepburn.
Katharine Hepburn: [ shaking his hand ] How do you do?
Joan Crawford: Christina? Christina, be a lamb and take everyone’s coats.[ everyone throws their coats all over Christina and leave her standing awkwardly ]
Clark Gable: [ grabbing Joan’s hand ] Oh, darling — you look WONDERFUL! I’ve never seen so much jewelry, jewelry, jewelry!
Joan Crawford: Oh, thank you! [ to Hepburn ] Oh, Kate, you poor thing… you look dreadful! where’s Spencer? Spending Christmas with Mrs. Tracy and his REAL family?
Katharine Hepburn: Well… yes! Yes, in fact, he is. And you’re a real BITCH to mention it![ Bula enters with the Christmas cakes ]
Joan Crawford: Now, remember, Christina — don’t tell Auntie Katharine how many different “uncles” we have!
Katharine Hepburn: Uh, Christina! Christina! Listen — Christina, darling… entre nous: How many men does your Mommie sleep with? [ Christina bounces her head all around ] Three? Four? Five? [ Christina bounces her head all around ] Just paw the floor with your FOOT, dear! [ Christina paws her foot well over a dozen times ] Oh! Well! Yes! You don’t say! No wonder she has no time to PLUCK her eyebrows![ Clark Gable steps forward ]
Clark Gable: Merry Christmas, Princess! [ he kisses Christina ]
Joan Crawford: [ stepping forward ] Sorry about, Carroll, Clark. Are you dating anyone yet?
Clark Gable: No, not yet. It takes someone very special to help you forget someone very special.
Joan Crawford: I’m very special!
Clark Gable: Well, frankly, my dear… I could never make love to someone whose shoulders are bigger than mine. [ he hands a present to Christina ] Here, Duchess — here’s something that Santa told me personally that you wanted.[ Christina opens the presents to reveal raw meat ]
Joan Crawford: Oh, look, darling — Uncle Clark brought you a pound of raw chuck! What do you say?[ Joan pinches Christina’s back and makes her mime “THANK YOU!!” ]
Clark Gable: I wanted to buy you a beautiful Shetland pony, like Bonnie Blue Butler… but then your Mommie told me how much you love raw chuck. So I bought you raw chuck! I think Uncle Cary has a little present for you, too!
Clark Gable: [ hands his present over ] Here, darling — look waht Santa brought you, all the way from the North Pole![ Christina opens the presents to reveal more raw meat ]
Joan Crawford: Oh, look, Christina — Uncle Cary brought you two pounds of raw liver! What do you say?[ Joan pinches Christina’s back and makes her mime “THANK YOU!!” ]
Clark Gable: Well, I was going to take you to the circus and carry you around on my shoulders, and put you up, carry you around, buy you carmel corn and cotton candy and taffy apples… but then your Mommie told me how much you’d rather have raw liver!
Katharine Hepburn: Mmm! I can see she’s her mother’s daughter — she already has a taste for BLOOD!
Joan Crawford: Christina, with so many lovely presents, you won’t be needing your little dolly any more! [ she struggles to pull the doll away from Christina ] Why don’t I just give it to the POOR CHILDREN?!
Archer Armstrong: You know, I think I have the PERFECT headline for my story! “Joan Crawford: Hollywood’s BIGGEST Mother.”
Joan Crawford: [ grabbing her Academy Award ] Did I ever show you this? The Academy gave it to me for “Mildred Pierce”. But I really don’t deserve it for that. I deserve it for the GREATEST role of my entire career: portraying Christina’s mother![ Christina steps forward for a hug, but Joan shoves her aside, pops the head off of her Academy Award and chugs a slug of whiskey ] [ dissolve back to the close-up of the diary entry ]
Christina Crawford V/O: “Thank you, Mommie Dearest, for the BEST Christmas present of all, the one you never knew you gave, the gift that keeps on giving: My new best seller… “Mommie Dearest”.[ she places the book atop her desk ] [ pull back on set, with SUPER: “coming up next… Fun With Boils and sores” ] [ fade ]