SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 12/16/78: Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 9

78i: Elliot Gould / Peter Tosh

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

… Jane Curtin
… Bill Murray
… Laraine Newman
Steve Rubell … John Belushi
… Dan Aykroyd
Roseanne Roseannadanna … Gilda Radner

[TEASER:]

Jane Curtin: [sits at WU desk in front of a photo ofPresident Carter with his arm tightly wrapped around awoman, his hand near her breast] Jimmy Carter puts outa feeler in Connecticut. This story and more coming upon Weekend Update.

[AFTER COMMERCIAL BREAK:]

Don Pardo: And now, Weekend Update with the WeekendUpdate news team. Here are Bill Murray and JaneCurtin.

Jane Curtin: Good evening. I’m Jane Curtin. Here nowthe news. Our top story tonight:

[Photo of refugees] The first truckload of refugeesfrom Cleveland arrived in New York this morning.

Meanwhile, the city of Cleveland, which defaulted atmidnight last night, has changed its name and moved toArizona to get a fresh start.

Bill Murray:
[Photo of a praying mob of people onhands and knees with heads touching the ground] Duringthe present crisis in Iran, the Shah has promised toease up on human rights violations. But yesterday inTehran, Iran’s military police forced thousands ofMoslems to comb the streets for the Shah’s contactlens.

Well, Weekend Update has learned that theestablishment of diplomatic relations with Red Chinais a direct result of yesterday’s federal drug bust atthe New York disco Studio 54. The goal is an exchangeof celebrities between the United States and Chinawhich will then change its name to the BeautifulPeople’s Republic.

And now, following up on the Studio 54 story isWeekend Update correspondent Laraine Newman, outsideStudio 54. Laraine?

[Cut to Laraine holding a microphone in front of anentrance marked STAGE DOOR.]

Laraine Newman: Thank you, Bill. In the wee hours lastThursday morning, IRS agents raided this glamorousplayground for the elite to confiscate the club’sfinancial records. And, in the process, theydiscovered two ounces of cocaine. The scandal hasgiven credence to the rumor that the illicit narcotic,known in drug circles as coke, disco dust and Peruvianmarching powder, has been commonplace here at Studio54. Standing next to me is Steve Rubell … [cameranow includes Rubell whose upper lip is thick withwhite powder] … co-owner of the club. Steve, whatwas your reaction when you learned cocaine had beenfound here?

Steve Rubell: I was shocked!

Laraine Newman: You mean, that, uh, you’ve never seencocaine here before?

Steve Rubell: Listen, Studio 54 is a place wherebeautiful people can dance and have fun. I can’t besearching everybody who comes in here. Apparently,this was going on right under my nose. [Cheers andapplause.]

Laraine Newman: And, apparently, it still is. [signingoff] Laraine Newman, outside Studio 54. [puts an armaround Rubell] Listen, Steve, uh, this doesn’t changeanything — my name will still be at the gate, right?

Steve Rubell: [eating a powdered doughnut] Yeah.You’ll be– You can get in anytime you want.

Laraine Newman: Great.

[Cut to Jane at the Update desk with photo of CyrusVance.]

Jane Curtin: President Carter summoned Secretary ofState Cyrus Vance to the White House early today andin a two hour meeting explained to Vance what a littledink he is. Vance later called the talks useful andproductive. Bill?

Bill Murray: Give or take a few hours, today is thetwo hundred and eighth birthday of Ludwig VonBeethoven so I’d like to sing a little something tohim. [sings to a well-known melody from Beethoven’sFifth Symphony] Happy birthday, Ludwig von B! [speaks]Get out of here, you old knockwurst-head.

[Graphic reading: “QUOTE OF THE YEAR”] Nominations forUpdate’s Quote of the Year have piled up over themonths and even though two weeks remain in the year,uh, the front-running quote looks hard to beat. Comesfrom the former member of Tony Orlando and Dawn, TonyOrlando himself. [Photo of Tony Orlando] It was on BobHope’s seventy-fifth birthday special that Tony said,and I quote here, [slowly and solemnly] “If you couldput all the laughs that Bob Hope has gotten, one afteranother, they would stretch all the way to theuniverse and fill up the black hole in space.”Unquote. Jane?

Jane Curtin: [shaking her head in admiration] Greatquote, Bill. An Update Christmas gift suggestion. Ifyour list includes a small child who is dull, boringand unimaginative, the perfect present might be thechild-sized Clark Kent suit, complete with horn-rimmedglasses and a little felt, snap-brim hat — nineteenninety-five at most children’s shops.

Dan Aykroyd: Hello, I’m Dan Aykroyd, station managerfor Weekend Update. Last night, President Carterannounced that the United States and Red China haveagreed to establish full diplomatic relations startingJanuary 1st. That will be the topic of tonight’sPoint-Counterpoint with Jane taking the pro-relationspoint and I will take the anti-relations counterpoint.

Jane Curtin: Dan, only a reactionary ass such asyourself could oppose full diplomatic relations withChina. As President Carter said, it is a simplerecognition of reality. How can we ignore eighthundred million people? But, then again, I guess it’syour habit to ignore reality. You’re a paranoidschizophrenic, Dan, whose politics are obviously bornout of some buried infantile trauma. You hide fromreality, constructing a hostile world to justify yourown incapacity for love and compassion. Go ahead, Dan,live in your dark, lonely world. The rest of us willextend our hands in friendship to eight hundredmillion human beings, saying, “Hi! You do exist. Let’sbe friends.”

Dan Aykroyd: Jane, you ignorant slut. My personalityprofile is not at issue here, any more than is yourinability to achieve orgasm. The issue is Taiwan. Howcan we expect to have the confidence of any freenation when we stab one of our most faithful allies inthe back. I suppose you’d like to conduct our foreignpolicy the way you conduct your private life, hoppingfrom bed to bed with anyone that can do you some good.Then what do you have? An old, dried-out scuzz that nodecent man would be seen with. Is that what you wantfor America? It’s too late for you, Jane, but ourcountry still has some dignity left, you hosebag!

Jane Curtin: Thank you, Dan! According to the AmericanPsychological Association, people are more depressedand prone to suicide during Christmas than any othertime during the year. Here to comment further iscorrespondent Roseanne Roseannadanna.

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Thanks a lot, Jane! A Mr.Richard Feder from Fort Lee, New Jersey sent me thisChristmas poem that says: [reads aloud from a greetingcard]

“Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna,

Well, the holiday season is finally here,Bringin’ Santa and sleigh rides and lots of good cheer.Children are laughin’, there’s lights on the trees.Everyone’s happy except for me.Folks goin’ to parties, folks having fun.I wanna blow my brains out, get me a gun!Christmas is here and I should feel swellBut I’m cryin’ in my room and I feel like hell.

What should I do?”

Mr. Feder, you’re in big trouble. You gotta get out o’New Jersey! But I know exactly what you’re goingthrough ’cause last Christmas, I, RoseanneRoseannadanna, was so depressed I thought I was gonnadie! So I decided to treat myself to a real specialsnappy time — so I got all dressed up and went tothis high class, fancy-shmancy, uptown restaurantcalled “Elaine’s.” It’s one of those places whereeverybody who’s anybody goes to eat Italian food!Between you and me, Roseanne Roseannadanna, I reallylike Elaine’s ’cause you get to see a lot of realfamous celebrities with a little bit of spaghettisauce right here. [points to one side of her lip] Andyou know what? If they don’t wipe that spaghetti sauceoff right away, it gets all hard and dry and crusty –you know, like a blotch?! And when they open theirmouths, the blotch separates and then they close theirmouths, the blotch goes back together again, then itopens, comes back, then it starts to flake off alittle bit, and now a little bit more flakin’ off andeverything and then it’s gone. Anyways, I’m sittin’there, lookin’ at the menu when what comes out of thebathroom but Princess Lee Radziwill. You know, thatclassy lady that no one’s really sure where she’s theprincess of? Well, she was dressed up like a doll inthis slinky basic black dress and she’s got realskinny arms with expensive jewelry hangin’ off of ’em.But then I noticed that Princess Lee had a littleteeny-tiny piece of toilet paper stickin’ to thebottom of one of her Gucci shoes. She — listen tothis — she was just walkin’ around, up and down, withthat little piece of toilet paper just trailin’ behindher, wouldn’t fall off! And the more she walked, thedirtier that toilet paper got. And things startedstickin’ to it. There was a fuzzball, a hair, gum, abug. There was even some fettucini alfredo and a pieceof Romaine lettuce! Well, let me tell you that I,Roseanne Roseannadanna, started to lose my appetite.And I yelled, “Hey! Princess Lee! Take that toiletpaper off your shoe! What are you tryin’ to do? Makeme sick?”

Jane Curtin: [interrupts angrily] What are you tryin’to do? Are you trying to make me sick? Roseanne, getback to the point!

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well, Jane. It just goes toshow ya! It’s always somethin’! Either you’redepressed at Christmas or you got toilet paper hangin’from your shoe! But, Jane, even though you yell at meand you say that I make you sick all the time andeverything, I gotcha this nice little gift forChristmas. [gives Jane a wrapped Christmas present]

Audience: Awww.

Roseanne Roseannadanna: I got you a little fruitcake.

Jane Curtin: Roseanne, I – I’m embarrassed. I don’tknow what to say. I– I – I don’t know. Oh…

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Whyn’t you just shut up andeat the cake? [Jane cautiously takes a piece offruitcake and gives it a sniff] And, Mr. Feder, youpathetic person from New Jersey, I didn’t forget aboutyour problem. But, Mr. Feder, you gotta take the badwith the good. It’s just like the holiday advicepassed down to me by my grandmother … [Jane pulls along hair out of the fruitcake and looks disgusted]You can just throw that out — it still tastes good…. Just like the holiday advice passed down to me bymy grandmother, Nana Roseannadanna. [As Roseannerambles on, Jane eats some of the fruitcake] She usedto say, “Life is just like a fruitcake. When you lookat it, it’s rich and sweet with honey and sugar andspice, tastes delicious, makes your mouth water andeverything. But if you look at it real close, there’sthese weird little green things in it and all that andyou don’t know what it is! [Jane looks alarmed] MerryChristmas, Roseanne Roseannadanna.” [eats some of thefruitcake]

Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night and have apleasant holiday.

Roseanne Roseannadanna: [to Jane, off the fruitcake] This is good!

Submitted Anonymously

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