SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 12/16/78: The Widettes

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 9

78i: Elliot Gould / Peter Tosh

The Widettes

Betty Widette…..Jane Curtin
Bob Widette…..Dan Aykroyd
Jeff Widette…..John Belushi
Tammy Widette…..Gilda Radner
Uncle Jerry…..Elliot Gould

[ open on Betty Widette using the phone behind the wet bar in the Widette living room ]

Betty Widette: Hello? Is this Transamerican Airlines? Good! I’d like to confirm four reservations for the Widette Family. That’s W-I-D-E-T-T-E. Widette. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that’s correct.. [ steps out from the wet bar, revealing her oversized butt ] That’s right. Yeah, we all want first class. Yeah, we’re all going skiing at Big Mountain! Okay, thank you! Goodbye! [ bends over to put down her notes ] [ Bob Widette, and his oversized butt, enter through the front door ]

Bob Widette: Hi, honey, I’m home!

Betty Widette: Oh, hi, sweetheart!

Bob Widette: What’s for dinner?

Betty Widette: Oh, we’re having macaroni and cheese and home fries.

Bob Widette: Good, good.. well, I brought home some potato salad, in case there’s not enough – because I invited Jerry over for dinner.

Betty Widette: Oh, well, your brother’s always welcome! Oh, wait.. I wonder if we have enough bread pudding? You want to go out and get some more?

Bob Widette: Ohhh, I just want to sit down.. I’ve been on the phone all day.. [ sits ]

Betty Widette: [ sits next to Bob ] Ah, well, that’s okay. We always have the leftover spaghetti in the refrigerator, and there’s some tater tots in there..

Bob Widette: Good. [ places glass sculpture on the coffee table ]

Betty Widette: Oh, this is a beautiful glass sculpture! Where’d you get it?

Bob Widette: Well, I was walking past Steuben’s Crystal & Glass Emporium, and it just caught my eye.

Betty Widette: Looks expensive..

Bob Widette: Ah, not too bad. But I had to pay for two of them. One of them broke, and they blamed me!

Betty Widette: Why? What happened?

Bob Widette: I don’t know! I picked this up, then turned around and paid for it, and I hear this crash! The guy blames me!

Betty Widette: Typical.

Bob Widette: Are the kids home yet?

Betty Widette: Well, Tammy’s trying out for cheerleading tonight, and Jeff wanted to wait around and see if she had a ride.

Bob Widette: Oh, well.. you know..

[ Jeff and Tammy Widette enter the front door ]

Jeff Widette: Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad! I’mmighty hungry..

Betty Widette: Well, we’re having macaroni and cheese in about five munues.

Jeff Widette: Oh, okay.. I’m gonna have a couple of Ho-Ho’s, just to tide me over.

Betty Widette: Well, go right ahead, you must be hungry. [ Jeff exits to the kitchen ] Honestly! I don’t know where he puts it!

Bob Widette: [ notices Tammy is glum ] What’s the matter, Tammy? What’s the sour look for?

Tammy Widette: Ohhhh.. [ plops her big butt odwn on the couch, shoving her parents and their butts over ] I didn’t make the cheerleader squad!

Betty Widette: Oh, that’s a shame, Tammy.. you worked your heart off for that team.

Jeff Widette: Yeah. Bum trip!

Bob Widette: I guess that school’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

[ doorbell rings ]

That must be your Uncle Jerry – I invited him over tonight. Would you get it, Tammy?

Tammy Widette: Okay. [ answers the door ]

Uncle Jerry: Hi, Tammy! Hi, everybody!

Tammy Widette: Hi, Uncle Jerry!

Uncle Jerry: [ enters ] Well, well, well.. will you get a load of that cheerleader outfit! Boy, Bob, this daughter of yours is turning into a real piece!

Tammy Widette: Oh, thank you, Uncle Jerry!

Uncle Jerry: [ holds up box ] I brought a treat! I went to Benny Barmons and got some fudge!

[ Jeff and Tammy tear the package open, as Uncle Jerry plops down on the couch ]

Bob Widette: How are things down at the clinic, Jer?

Uncle Jerry: Well, Bob, nothing really exciting to report – I just give booster shots all day. Although, I did see a celebrity, though.

Bob Widette: Oh, yeah?

Uncle Jerry: Orsen Welles came in for a flu shot!

Bob Widette: Orson Welles? Oh, I like him!

Betty Widette: Oh, you know, dinner’s about ready. Shouldn’t we go in and eat?

Jeff Widette: I gotta go to the bathroom first. Uh.. anybody seen my copy of “War & Peace”?

Tammy Widette: Oh, it’s in there already! You know, we’re eating dinner, so remember to turn on all the fans and open the skylight!

Jeff Widette: [ taking the hint ] Okay, okay.. [ exits ]

Bob Widette: [ stands ] You know, I think I’ll put on some music for dinner. Anybody seen my Beverly Sills record? [ turns around, showing off his bug butt ]

Betty Widette: Come on, let’s eat before dinner gets cold.

[ smoke detector goes off ]

Uncle Jerry: What’s that?

Bob Widette: It sounds like a smoke alarm! But I-I-I can’t understand why.. the house shouldn’t be on fire!

Tammy Widette: Oh, Dad, should I go check?

Uncle Jerry: No! No, don’t take any chances! Let’s haul ourselves out of here!

[ they quickly bounce about the room, knocking things down with their big butts as the exit the house ] [ Jeff rushes downstairs from the bathroom, with a roll of paper towels hanging out from his pants ] [ fade out ]

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