SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 12/16/78: The Widettes


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 9

78i: Elliot Gould / Peter Tosh

The Widettes

Betty Widette…..Jane Curtin
Bob Widette…..Dan Aykroyd
Jeff Widette…..John Belushi
Tammy Widette…..Gilda Radner
Uncle Jerry…..Elliot Gould

[ open on Betty Widette using the phone behind the wet bar in the Widette living room ]

Betty Widette: Hello? Is this Transamerican Airlines? Good! I’d like to confirm four reservations for the Widette Family. That’s W-I-D-E-T-T-E. Widette. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that’s correct.. [ steps out from the wet bar, revealing her oversized butt ] That’s right. Yeah, we all want first class. Yeah, we’re all going skiing at Big Mountain! Okay, thank you! Goodbye! [ bends over to put down her notes ] [ Bob Widette, and his oversized butt, enter through the front door ]

Bob Widette: Hi, honey, I’m home!

Betty Widette: Oh, hi, sweetheart!

Bob Widette: What’s for dinner?

Betty Widette: Oh, we’re having macaroni and cheese and home fries.

Bob Widette: Good, good.. well, I brought home some potato salad, in case there’s not enough – because I invited Jerry over for dinner.

Betty Widette: Oh, well, your brother’s always welcome! Oh, wait.. I wonder if we have enough bread pudding? You want to go out and get some more?

Bob Widette: Ohhh, I just want to sit down.. I’ve been on the phone all day.. [ sits ]

Betty Widette: [ sits next to Bob ] Ah, well, that’s okay. We always have the leftover spaghetti in the refrigerator, and there’s some tater tots in there..

Bob Widette: Good. [ places glass sculpture on the coffee table ]

Betty Widette: Oh, this is a beautiful glass sculpture! Where’d you get it?

Bob Widette: Well, I was walking past Steuben’s Crystal & Glass Emporium, and it just caught my eye.

Betty Widette: Looks expensive..

Bob Widette: Ah, not too bad. But I had to pay for two of them. One of them broke, and they blamed me!

Betty Widette: Why? What happened?

Bob Widette: I don’t know! I picked this up, then turned around and paid for it, and I hear this crash! The guy blames me!

Betty Widette: Typical.

Bob Widette: Are the kids home yet?

Betty Widette: Well, Tammy’s trying out for cheerleading tonight, and Jeff wanted to wait around and see if she had a ride.

Bob Widette: Oh, well.. you know..

[ Jeff and Tammy Widette enter the front door ]

Jeff Widette: Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad! I’mmighty hungry..

Betty Widette: Well, we’re having macaroni and cheese in about five munues.

Jeff Widette: Oh, okay.. I’m gonna have a couple of Ho-Ho’s, just to tide me over.

Betty Widette: Well, go right ahead, you must be hungry. [ Jeff exits to the kitchen ] Honestly! I don’t know where he puts it!

Bob Widette: [ notices Tammy is glum ] What’s the matter, Tammy? What’s the sour look for?

Tammy Widette: Ohhhh.. [ plops her big butt odwn on the couch, shoving her parents and their butts over ] I didn’t make the cheerleader squad!

Betty Widette: Oh, that’s a shame, Tammy.. you worked your heart off for that team.

Jeff Widette: Yeah. Bum trip!

Bob Widette: I guess that school’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

[ doorbell rings ]

That must be your Uncle Jerry – I invited him over tonight. Would you get it, Tammy?

Tammy Widette: Okay. [ answers the door ]

Uncle Jerry: Hi, Tammy! Hi, everybody!

Tammy Widette: Hi, Uncle Jerry!

Uncle Jerry: [ enters ] Well, well, well.. will you get a load of that cheerleader outfit! Boy, Bob, this daughter of yours is turning into a real piece!

Tammy Widette: Oh, thank you, Uncle Jerry!

Uncle Jerry: [ holds up box ] I brought a treat! I went to Benny Barmons and got some fudge!

[ Jeff and Tammy tear the package open, as Uncle Jerry plops down on the couch ]

Bob Widette: How are things down at the clinic, Jer?

Uncle Jerry: Well, Bob, nothing really exciting to report – I just give booster shots all day. Although, I did see a celebrity, though.

Bob Widette: Oh, yeah?

Uncle Jerry: Orsen Welles came in for a flu shot!

Bob Widette: Orson Welles? Oh, I like him!

Betty Widette: Oh, you know, dinner’s about ready. Shouldn’t we go in and eat?

Jeff Widette: I gotta go to the bathroom first. Uh.. anybody seen my copy of “War & Peace”?

Tammy Widette: Oh, it’s in there already! You know, we’re eating dinner, so remember to turn on all the fans and open the skylight!

Jeff Widette: [ taking the hint ] Okay, okay.. [ exits ]

Bob Widette: [ stands ] You know, I think I’ll put on some music for dinner. Anybody seen my Beverly Sills record? [ turns around, showing off his bug butt ]

Betty Widette: Come on, let’s eat before dinner gets cold.

[ smoke detector goes off ]

Uncle Jerry: What’s that?

Bob Widette: It sounds like a smoke alarm! But I-I-I can’t understand why.. the house shouldn’t be on fire!

Tammy Widette: Oh, Dad, should I go check?

Uncle Jerry: No! No, don’t take any chances! Let’s haul ourselves out of here!

[ they quickly bounce about the room, knocking things down with their big butts as the exit the house ] [ Jeff rushes downstairs from the bathroom, with a roll of paper towels hanging out from his pants ] [ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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