Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 10
78j: Michael Palin / The Doobie Brothers
Name The Bats
written by: Brian McConnachie
[ open on title card ] [ dissolve to game show set ]
Jerry: Hello! And welcome to “Name The Bats”, where everybody is on a first-name basis! No last names! Say hello to our contestants![ cut to the contestants ]
Joan: Uh — hello. Hello.
Steve: How are you?
Jerry: What are your names? No last names, please.[ they briefly confide in one another ]
Joan: My name is Joan.
Steve: I’m Steve.
Jerry: Great! You know who I am?[ they briefly confide in one another ]
Steve: You’re the host?
Jerry: Close enough! It’s Jerry. This is “Name The Bats”! The show where everybody leaves their last names… in their other pants! Now — ha ha ha! You’re ready to play?
Jerry: Okay! Now, you toe go into the barn here… and start naming ALL the bats that are in there! You get $180 for every bat you can name. Are you ready?
Joan: Yes, we are! I think we are!
Jerry: [ laughing ] Okay! In you go! [ he unlatches the barn and opens the door ] And start… NAMING THE BATS!! [ he latches the doorbehind them ]
Joan: There are no bats in here!
Steve: I can’t see any bats![ Jerry thinks for a moment, then picks up a bat and begins to pound on the barn doors ] [ Joan starts screaming, as the sound of fluttering bat wings are heard ] [ as Jerry pounds on the barn doors, a plank of wood splinters off ]
Jerry: Can you see them now?!
Steve: Oh, yeah! Yeah, We can see them! GOOD GOD!!
Jerry: OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY!! THE TIME IS RUNNING!! GO!! NAME THE BATS!!
Steve: Oh, no!! Oh, no!!
Joan: They’re in my hair!! Get it out of my hair!!
Jerry: COME ON, YOU TWO!! COME ON!! START NAMING THE BATS!! [ he pounds the barn doors some more ]
Joan: GET OUT OF MY HAIR!!
Steve: FRUIT BATS!!
Joan: OH, MY GOD!! THERE’S A VAMPIRE BAT!!
Jerry: NO, YOU FOOL!! NO, YOU’RE PLAYING THE GAME WRONG!! [ he pounds the barn doors some more ]
Steve: Wehre the hell did it go?! What do you mean, we’re playing it wrong?! WATCH OUT!! OW!!
Jerry: YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO NAME THE BATS!! DON’T TELL US WHAT KIND OF BATS THEY ARE!! WE KNOW WHAT KIND OF BATS THEY ARE!! WHO DO YOU THINK PUT ‘EM IN THERE?! COME ON!! NOW START GIVING THEM NAMES!!
Joan: LET US OUT OF HERE!!
Steve: Wait a minute!! Yuo mean, we have to give these bats names?! WATCH OUT!!
Jerry: COME ON, COME ON!! REGULAR NAMES!! NOTHING TOO FANCY!! NAMES THAT PEOPLE KNOW!![ they continue screaming, as more planks of wood begin to fall off the barn doors ]
Jerry: Alright, alright, alright, alright! [ he pulls the remaining door open ] Okay![ they contestants stumble out of the barn ]
Jerry: Right! You sure made a mess of my cubicle! Alright, alright! Too bad! Too bad you didn’t win the big money! You had some trouble with the rules! It’s a shame! It’s a beautiful game when it’s played well! But, uh — [ he tries not to laugh ] We’re not gonna let you go home empty-handed! Naturally enough, we DON’T have a home version of “Name The Bats”… but we can give you… [ the contestants look on with false expewctations ] TWO MORE MINUTES WITH THE BATS!! [ he shoves them back into the barn ] GET IN THERE!! IN YOU GO!! COME ON!![ dissolve to wide shot from audience, with SUPER: “coming up next… Invasion of the Body Stockings” ] [ fade ]