Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 10
The Franken and Davis Show
Voice on Intercom…..Jane Curtin
Announcer: It’s time for “The Franken and Davis Show”, starring Al Franken and Tom Davis. Now here’s al and Tom![ dissolve to Franken and Davis entering stage to audience applause ]
Al Franken: Thanks very much, ladies and gentlemen… and welcome to the show.
Tom Davis: Now, those of you who are familiar with “The Franken & Davis Show” know that both Al and I are international Communist revolutionaries.
Al Franken: Thank you! Thank you very much![ the audience applauds wildly ]
Al Franken: Thank you! Thank you very much! And our special guest stars tonight — and this is quite a thrill — are two giant superstars. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome… Laraine Newman and Gilda Radner!
Tom Davis: Yeah! Come on![ the audience applauds wildly as Laraine and Gilda step out ]
Al Franken: Thanks for coming on, girls!
Gilda Radner: Oh, thank you, guys! Uh — you know, ladies and gentlemen, when Laraine and I were asked to do the show, we jumped at the chance because, like Tom and Al, Laraine and I are working toward the day when the entire world will be ruled by ONE Marxist government!
Al Franken: Yeah![ the audience applauds wildly ]
Laraine Newman: That’s right. And I think we all agree, that in order for the, uh, prolatariat revolution to succeed, we’ll have to all pitch in to make things worse.
Al Franken: Yeah!
Gilda Radner: Alright!
Tom Davis: Thank you![ they all applaud their efforts ]
Tom Davis: That’s wonderful, Laraine. And that’s why on tonight’s show we’re going to present… the first pornography made expressly for television, to help corrupt the moral fiber of our imperialist culture!
Al Franken: Perhaps in our own small way, we can hasten the collapse of our culture and help to clear the way… for the revolution!
Tom Davis: So, if you have any impressionable children who are asleep — wake them up, please, and join us now as we go to Dallas Stadium.[ dissolve to “Porno For T.V.” opening grraphics ]
Announcer: “Porno For T.V.” [ over title ] “They Rubbed Backs To Get To The Top”.[ dissolve to Tom as Coach Laundry, reading a porno magazine as his intercom buzzes ]
Tom Davis: Yeah?
Voice on Intercom: Coach Laundry, there are two sisters here who’d like to talk to you about being cheerleaders?
Tom Davis: Okay, send them in — NO interruptions.[ Laraine and Gilda enter as the two sisters ]
Laraine Newman: Hi! You must be Coach Laundry.
Tom Davis: Yes. Sometimes they call me “Dirty” Laundry.
Gilda Radner: Oh! We’d do ANYTHING to become Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders — and I mean ANYTHING!
Tom Davis: [ piqued ] Anything?
Laraine Newman: That’s riiight.
Tom Davis: How about even rubbing my… back?
Laraine Newman: Oh, sure! You know, our fantasy as sisters is to rub the backs of a coach and football player at the same time!
Tom Davis: Huh? [ into intercom ] Miss Welch? Is Jackie Watts still there in the outer office?
Voice on Intercom: Why, yes!
Tom Davis: Send him in!
Gilda Radner: [ excited ] Jackie Watts? He’s one of the BIGGEST backs in football![ Al enters as Jackie Watts ]
Al Franken: Sorry I dropped that… pass… in the… end zone… Coach.
Laraine Newman: [ carressing him ] Ohhhh, forget about the Super Bowl, Jackie. We’re gonna rub your backs like they’ve never been rubbed before! [ she rips his shirt open ] Oh, God!
Al Franken: Oh, great!
Laraine Newman: Get on that couch, honey! Come on! [ she shoves him down ]
Al Franken: Oh, great! [ she begins to rub his back ] Oh![ Tom begins to remove his shirt ]
Gilda Radner: How about on the desk?
Tom Davis: Okay. [ he stretches across the desk and she begins to rub his back ] Oh… oh! Oh, that feels GODO! Oh, a little slower. That’s it.
Al Franken: Oh, yeah!
Laraine Newman: Oh, your back is hot.
Al Franken: Oh, yeah! Oh… watch the nails. Oh! Oh, that feels good!
Gilda Radner: [ playing with her hair ] I’m going to try something really UNUSUAL! I want to hold your weight!
Tom Davis: Okay, baby! Whatever you… oh, yeah! Oh! Oh, you’re driving me crazy![ Jackie and his sister have changed positions ]
Laraine Newman: Ohhh, crack me! Crack me!
Al Franken: [ twisting her neck ] You’re just… bending!
Laraine Newman: Oh, yeah!
Al Franken: Hey. I’ve got an idea. Why don’t you and your sister rub each other’s backs… and we’ll watch?
Girls: Okay![ the male audience members begin to moan in anticipation, as Gila sits down to rub Laraine’s back ]
Laraine Newman: Oh! Ohhhh!
Tom Davis: Hey. You know how to use one of these? [ he pulls out a back scratcher ]
Gilda Radner: I don’t know.
Tom Davis: Give it a try! [ he uses it to scratch Laraine’s back ]
Laraine Newman: Oh! Oh! Scratch me all over! Oh!
Al Franken: Hey! Hey, let ME get in there![ they all climb onto the sofa together, the back scratcher wedged between them ]
Al Franken: Oh, yeah!
Tom Davis: Oh!
Al Franken: Yeah!
Tom Davis: Oh!
Al Franken: Oh, baby!
Tom Davis: Oh! Yeah![ SUPER: “THE END” ] [ dissolve to “The FRanken and Davis Show” title card ]
Announcer: Al and Tom will be right back after this message from the Communist Party. [ over product slide ] “The Communist Party: The Shah’s Not OUR Friend”. And now, here’s Al and Tom![ dissolve to Al and Tom waving onstage ]
Al & Tom: Goodnight, everybody!
Al Franken: Good night!
Tom Davis: Thanks for watching!
Al Franken: Thanks for watching![ fade ]