Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 10
Michael Palin’s Monologue
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Michael Palin!
Michael Palin: Hello, hi! Great, great! [ he catches his breath and laughs ] I’m overcome! This is just wonderful! I mean, to come 3,000 miles… to this. 4,000 by Concorde. Ah, it’s just GREAT to be here! All I can say is, it’s just GREAT to be back on “Saturday Night Live”! [ the audience cheers ] No! Please. You’re just trying to make me feel better, and I appreciate it. Uh — no. It’s just one movie. Here, with the guys again — I mean, Danny out there’s been great, and uh — [ a woman screams ] all the others are just, uh… [ he pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket and reads ] Uh — John… [ a woman screams ] Gilda… [ a woman screams, a man yells “Yeahh!” ] Laraine… [ a woman screams ] Jane… [ a woman screams; Palin stares in her direction ] Garrett, of course… [ a woman screams ] and Bill… [ a woman screams ] and a couple of pounds of potatoes. I’m sorry.[ he puts the paper away ]
Anyway, it’s just — I mean, it’s a great thrill to be back here again. Everything’s working well, and I think — I may say this now, because I think we have… dare I say it? Yeah, I dare! A near perfect show for you tonight. I mean, just with the rehearsals, the writers have come up with superb material, The Doobie Brothers as our musical guest! [ the audience cheers ] They are — they’re just so good! FRanken & Davis, we have. I mean, as far as I’m concerned, everything’s GREAT… apart from the fact that I have the wrong socks. [ the audience chuckles ] STILL, this is not a problem, this is just — well, this is just between me and — [ a woman screams ] Is that my mother up there? This is just between me and NBC. It’s a little problem, a little problem that does not affect you at all. No, I just — I mean, I really can’t wait, because I want to get on with the show because, honestly, the stuff I’ve seen, really… I mean — the only thing about the socks that really gets me is… I’m not…
I’ll just tell you: I have… I have a problem, in that area. Which is that I have an allergy. I have an allergy to wool. Now, okay, certain socks are made of wool. So… when I, you know, negotiate the contract, they say “Come over here, we want you to do the show.” I say, “Fine, but obviously I’d like to — if possible, if it’s not possible to have wool socks.” I don’t like to say “Michael Palin says he would do the show, you know, provided he doesn’t have wool socks!” I don’t want to say that, but I wrote them a letter and I spoke to someone on the phone, and they said, “Fine, you won’t have any wool socks. We’ll get rayon, terry, you know or something like that.” Just a — you know, nothing much, but it helps my comfort during the show! And if I don’t wear wool socks, things get a little uncomfortable. Anyway, so I thought we’d leave it at that! But, you know, it’s great! It’s great! I come in today… I pass a store selling rayon, terry, and all other socks all on sale. I cme in today, there’s not a SOCK in the building… which doesn’t have pure lamb quality. I mean, it’s a silly thing, anyway!
Anyway — no. [ he looks around ] I tell you, this show tonight — you’ve just a foretaste, really, with Danny’s bit there. There are soem tremendous things to come, and I’d like you know — I don’t want to carry on. Just let me say this: With a show as good as this, it’s just a pity that they couldn’t have brung, possibly, to something in the hosiery area. I’d really be a little better, you know? NBC, RCA — they own most of Americs! [ he laughs nervously ] You know — they send me by Concorde, they send me by limosine, you know, a limosine with stereotronics in the back to take me to the hotel, they drive me around here, they give me a lvoely dressing room with drinks and everything like that, and cheese and all that, but… yeah, I don’t get the stocks. Still… I-I, you know, it’s just a pity, because it’s all so good. I won’t say any more, just, just, uh, enjoy the show and… we’ll be right back.