SNL Transcripts: Michael Palin: 01/27/79: Mr. Bill Goes To Court


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 10

78j: Michael Palin / The Doobie Brothers

Mr. Bill Goes To Court

Mr. Hands: Hey kids, It’s time for the Mr. Bill Show.

(Curtain rises to reveal Mr. Bill)

Mr. Bill: Ho ho kiddies! Oh boy, it’s so good to see you again (The doorbell rings) Uh say Mr. Hands. Can you see who’s at the door huh?

Mr. Hands: Sure. Say a messagener brought this summons for you.

Mr. Bill: What does it say huh?

Mr. Hands: (Opens up a scroll and it says “Mr Bill’s Gonna Get It”) Well it says here that you are being sued by Mr. Sluggo because your dog Spot bit him on the leg and has rabies.

Mr. Bill: Oh but Spot wouldn’t bite anybody you know that.

Mr. Hands: Sorry Mr. Bill but it looks like we have to go to court. But don’t worry I’ll be your attorney!

(Mr. Hands takes Mr. Bill off the set and into a courtroom.)

Mr. Bill: Ok kids I guess we have to go to court today and… Oh no!

Mr. Hands: Here ye! Here ye! The honorable Judge Sluggo says he wants the defendant to approach the bench. (Moves Mr. Bill to the left of Sluggo)

Mr. Bill: Oh no! But he’s gonna be mean to me Mr. Hands.

Mr. Hands: Now he says the court must come to order! (Pounds a gavel right on Mr. Bill’s hand flattening it.)

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh! Oh why why!

Mr. Hands: Now first the defense would like to call to the witness stand Mr. Spot. (Sings) “Here comes Mr. Bill’s Dog” (Molds Spot into shape.)

Mr. Bill: Yay! Spot! How are you doing Spot huh? Yay!

(Spot is carrying a ball and chain with him and he’s foaming at the mouth)

Mr. Hands: Now the defense would like to prove that Spot does not have rabies.

Mr. Bill: Yay thanks Mr. Hands!

Mr. Hands: (Holding an injection needle) I’ll take a blood test!

Mr. Bill: No no! Don’t do that to him! Don’t Do– Ohhhhhhhh! Oh why why!

(Spot is injected cleanly into the needle)

Mr. Hands: Uh oh, It looks like the jury (all Sluggos) thinks that spot doe shave rabies.

Mr. Bill>: Oh no!

Mr. Hands: The only thing we can do now is call your mother to the stand.

Mr. Bill: Yay!

Mr. Hands: (Sings) “Here comes Mr. Bill’s mom.” (Molds Mom into shape and puts her on the stand)

Mr. Bill: Yay! Mom! How are you doing mom? Yay!

Mr. Hands: Now Judge Sluggo would like to ask your mother if Mr. Bill has ever been a naughty boy.

Mom: Mr. Bill is the nicest son a mother could ever have.

Mr. Bill: Yay thanks mom! Yay

Mom: Now District Attorney Sluggo would like to cross examine your mother. Alone in the back room.

Mr. Bill: No where are you taking her. He’s going to be mean to her.

(Sluggo starts beating Mom up in the back room.)

Mom: Ooh. Oh. Ow. Oooh. Oh Ow. Oh.

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh! Oh mom why why!

(Mom comes back with two black eyes and her arms pulled off.)

Mr. Hands: Hey wait, there’s been a sudden change in testimony!

Mom: Mr. Bill is a spoiled brat and has committed many felonies recently.

Mr. Hands: The DA says no further questions

(Mom goes right through the floor)

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: Oh no Mr. Bill. The jury has decided to throw the books at you!

(A couple of big books are thrown right at Mr. Bill.)

Mr. Bill: No no no, ohhhhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: The only thing we can do now is plead insanity. Ahhh Judge Sluggo says you are insane.

Mr. Bill: Yaay!

Mr. Hands: And that you need shock treatment. (Takes Mr. Bill and puts him in the electric chair and puts the beamer on his head.)

Mr. Bill: Oh no! But I’m innocent! You know I didn’t do anything Mr. Hands (A bell rings) Wait wait! Maybe that’s the govenor calling.

Mr. Hands: Naw I doubt it. So until next week kids, Mr. Bill says…(Pulls the switch.)

Mr. Bill: …Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! (His head lights up like a flashlight!)


Submitted by: Nick

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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