Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 12
D&R Men’s Stylists
Floyd Hunger…..Dan Aykroyd
Jenny Rocker…..Gilda Radner
[ open on interior of mini-mall ] [ zoom upward to the barber shop ] [ dissolve to interior of barber shop, as Gloria manicures Denny’s fingernails ]
Gloria: So, Merrill Osmond sang a song by himself, and then Marie sang a song with Jimmy. That was really good. I wish they’d let Jimmy sing with Marie more often, instead of always with Donny. I mean, that was really the best part, I thought.[ pull out to reveal Ron trimming Denny’s hair ]
Denny: I didn’t see it. I don’t remember what I was watching.
Gloria: Well… I think Jimmy will be the MOST famous of ALL of them. That’s my prediction.
Gloria: D&R Men’s Stylists. [ she leafs through the appointment book ] Oh, hi, Mr. Payjak. Tuesday afternoon, around two? Just a minute, I’ll check. [ she covers the mouthpiece ]
Ron: Tell him we have an appointment open around 2:30.
Gloria: [ into the phone ] We have an opening at 2:30. Will that be okay? Okay. [ she pencils it in ] I’m sorry, I won’t be here. [ she laughs lightly ] Well, I got a job, you know, at that new hairstylist over at the new mall. Yeah, you know, the one with the waterfall. Right! Yeah, it should be fun. [ a beat ] Are you sure? [ another beat ] Okay, I’ll see you there. [ she hangs up, then turns to face Ron ] Uh — he says he doesn’t know about Tuesday, he’s gonna have to check his schedule.
Ron: [ he sighs heavily ] Gloria… since today is your last day, why don’t you take the rest of the afternoon off?
Gloria: [ excited ] Oh, really? Well, thanks!
Denny: Yeah, I don’t think anybody will be wanting a manicure anyway.
Gloria: [ relunctantly ] Well, I… I guess I’ll get going, then. [ she grans her coat ] Uh — I’m really sorry I had to quit. I hope there’s no hard feelings.
Denny: No, that’s okay.
Ron: [ cheery ] Heeey, when opportunity knocks!
Gloria: Well… goodbye.
Ron: Take care.[ Gloria exits ]
Ron: [ muttering ] Idiot.[ Ron removes the tarp from Denny, revealing that the two men are actually co-workers in the salon ] [ Denny moves to the adjacent chair, as Ron takes the now-vacant seat, and they each begin reading old magazines ] [ suddenly, Floyd Hunger enters ]
Floyd Hunger: Hey, Ron… Denny.
Ron: Hey, Floyd.
Denny: Hi. Just on time.[ Denny rises, as Floyd takes his chair ]
Floyd Hunger: Uh, I don’t think I need to get it washed today, Denny. I just did it myself this morning. Just give me a little trim, will’ya?
Ron: Hey, how’s business at your place, Floyd? Any better?
Floyd Hunger: I can’t believe it. I’ve only sold… [ counting in his head ] three suits all month.
Denny: Phew. Oh, that’s too bad, Floyd.
Floyd Hunger: You know, I really thought Valentine’s Day would generate a little more business than it did. [ thinking ] It’s only a few months ’til Easter, right?
Denny: You know, Frank from National Shoes was in here the other day.
Floyd Hunger: Mmm-hmm?
Denny: And he said there’s not enough parking at the new mall.
Ron: Can you believe that? Brand new, and there’s already not enough parking.
Denny: Ah, we figure once people are tired of having to hunt for parking spaces, they’ll be coming back here.
Floyd Hunger: Well, you guys are still doing alright, though, aren’t ya’?
Denny: [ he shrugs ] Well, we’ve still got our hospitals. If we didn’t have that, we’d be in bad shape.
Floyd Hunger: Is it hard to… cut someone’s hair while they’re in bed? I’d think it’d be really hard.
Denny: No, not really, ’cause they mostly want trims.
Ron: I remember, once, I was giving a guy a haircut… and he DIED, right when I finished. His head slumped forward, you know, and I thought he wanted me to trim more off the back. I’m going, chopping like a you-know-what on the back if the guy’s neck, and the guy in the next bed says to me: “Hwy, uh, I think he’s just taken his last haircut!” That’s how I found out he was DEAD![ the phone rings; Ron answers ]
Ron: D&R Men’s Hair Stylists. [ a beat ] Yes, you do! [ he hangs up, angry ] It’s him again!
Floyd Hunger: Who was that?
Denny: Oh, this kid who keeps calling and asking if you have to have an appointment to get a haircut. And then, when you say “Yeah”, he starts laughing. [ he shrugs ] I don’t know. He must think it’s funny, or something.
Ron: What’s funny about having to make an appointment to get a haircut? Am I missing something, or what?
Floyd Hunger: [ he shrugs and shakes his head ] I don’t see anything funny about it, Ron.[ Ron sits ]
Denny: You know, I hear Puppy Land’s moving out to the new mall.
Floyd Hunger: Those are rumors. Puppy Land can’t move now. All the puppies would get sick. If they’re gonna move, they’ll have to wait ’til Spring.
Ron: That’s what I heard — I heard they plan to move in the Spring.
Floyd Hunger: Maybe they’re gonna move in the Spring. But they can’t move now.[ suddenly, Jenny Rocker enters, smiling ]
Jenny Rocker: Hi, Floyd! I thought that was you!
Floyd Hunger: Hi, Jenny.
Jenny Rocker: Hi, Denny! Hi, Ron!
Denny: Hi, Jenny.
Ron: Hi, Jenny.
Jenny Rocker: Hey! Did you hear that Fanny Farmer is moving? Do you realize that’ll make it six stores moving out this year?
Ron: You counting Puppy Land in there?
Jenny Rocker: Is Puppy Land moving?[ Ron nods ]
Floyd Hunger: I don’t think Puppy Land’s moving. Not ’til the Spring, anyway.
Jenny Rocker: Well… if Puppy Land does move, that’ll make it seven moving this year.
Denny: Hey, how’s business at the Scotch tape store? Everything okay?
Jenny Rocker: [ ecstatic ] Oh, things have been terrific! Everyone needs tape to put up their “Going Out of Business” signs! We’ve been swamped!
Ron: Heeey, don’t we need some tape, Denny?
Denny: [ thinking ] Yeah. I’ll have to drop over and get some.
Jenny Rocker: Oh! You don’t have to. I’ll send Kevin over with it. What do you want — the regular thirty-nine center, or the economy fifty-five center?
Denny: Ohhhh, I think we’ll get the one for thirty-nine.
Jenny Rocker: [ disappointed ] Okay.
Denny: If we need more, we can always get it later.
Jenny Rocker: Alright, fine. I’ll send it right over. Goodbye, Floyd!
Floyd Hunger: See you, Jenny.
Ron: See you, Jenny.
Jenny Rocker: Bye![ she exits ]
Floyd Hunger: [ he sighs ] You know… I never thought they’d make it. A store that just sells Scotch tape? It just goes to show ya’. Hey, where’s Gloria?
Denny: Uh — Gloria quit, Floyd. She got a job with that new men’s hair stylist in the new mall.
Floyd Hunger: Awww. Sorry to hear that, guys.
Ron: Well… she was working here kind of freelance, so you can’t blame her. You know, business hasn’t been very good, so… We couldn’t take her with us to the hospital, it wouldn’t look quite right, you know?
Floyd Hunger: Yeah, well… she’ll probably do okay there. She’s a good girl. I’ll miss her.[ Kevin enters ]
Kevin: [ bored ] One roll of tape. That’ll be fifty-eight.
Denny: No, no. I ordered the thirty-nine center, not the fifty-eight.
Kevin: I — I thought you wanted the fifty-eight center?
Denny: No, I wanted the thirty-nine center.
Kevin: [ aggravated ] Awwww, I’ll be right back.[ Kevin exits ]
Floyd Hunger: [ patting his hair ] Well, that should do it there, Den. [ Denny removes the tarp from around Floyd ] So, remember, guys: Whatever happens, never quit! [ he stands to examine himself in the mirror ] You want to win the game? Never quit. A mall’s a lot like a football team. If you got faith in it, it’ll always come back.
Ron: That’s right.
Denny: Yeah, that’s right, Floyd.
Floyd Hunger: [ uneasy ] Uhhh — look, uhh — Denny, I might have to get this next week.
Denny: Oh, that’s okay, Floyd.
Floyd Hunger: Alright. Hey, see you later, guys.[ Floyd exits, as Kevin re-enters ]
Kevin: Okay. Here’s your thirty-nine center. That’s forty-two, with tax.
Denny: Kevin, I — I don’t have much change right now. Would you mind putting that on our bill?
Kevin: [ aggravayed ] Okay, that’s SIX rolls you owe us now!
Ron: Say, Kevin — you know, you’re getting a little shaggy on one side there. Why don’t you let us balance it out for you?
Kevin: Nah, my mom cuts my hair better than you can, any day! Besides… you don’t have to make any appointments! [ he smirks, then exits ] [ Ron glances at Denny, then touches his own hair ]
Ron: Take a little off the side, but not as much, huh? I’ve got a date. I want it to blow in the wind.[ Denny procees to cut Ron’s hair, as the scene pulls back ] [ SUPER: “coming up next… Disco Death House” ] [ fade ]