Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 12
The Twilight Zone
Rod Serling/George Burns/Alfred Hitchcock…Dan Aykroyd
June Cleaver/Mrs. Anderson/Mrs. Williams…Jane Curtin
The Beaver/Bud/Mr. Williams…John Belushi
Eddie Haskell/Mr. Anderson/Cesar Romero…Bill Murray
Ricky Ricardo…Tom Schiller
Rod Serling V/O: You’re traveling to another dimension, a dimension of time and space, a dimension of sight and of mind. You’ve just crossed over into…the Twilight Zone.[“Twilight Zone” title appears. Fade to Rick Nelson entering a kitchen through the back door]
Rick Nelson: Hi, Mom, I’m home.
Rod Serling V/O: Meet Ricky Nelson, age 16. A typical American kid in a typical American kitchen in a typical American black-and-white TV family home. [Rick takes a pitcher of milk from the fridge and a glass from the cupboard] But what’s about to happen to Ricky is far from typical unless you happen to live in the Twilight Zone. [theme ends as Rick sits at the kitchen table. Cut to view of June Cleaver walking over to the table]
June Cleaver: Oh, Beaver, I’m glad you’re home. [She sits] Larry Mondelo’s mother called, and she would… [notices Rick] Well, you’re not the Beaver.
Rick Nelson: And you’re not my mom. [Eerie music plays]
June Cleaver: Well, I don’t care who you are. You might as well stay for dinner.
Rick Nelson: Gee, thanks!
June Cleaver: Oh, you better call your folks and tell them where you are.
Rick Nelson: [looks around] Wh-Where am I?
June Cleaver: At the Cleaver household! [The whistled “Leave It To Beaver” closing theme plays as June brings Rick a plate of brownies] Now, why don’t you have a brownie, but don’t spoil your appetite. [Exits]
Rick Nelson: Thanks, Mrs. Cleaver. [Rick takes a bite of a brownie and drinks some milk]
June Cleaver: [reenters] Oh, then you better wash up. [Exits] [The Beaver and Eddie Haskell enter the kitchen. Eddie flicks the Beaver’s ear a few times and taps him with a book]
The Beaver: Hi, Mom, um, I’m home.
June Cleaver: Hello, Beaver. Hi, Eddie.
Eddie Haskell: Hello, Mrs. Cleaver. My, what a lovely dress you have on, ma’am.
June Cleaver: Thank you, Eddie.
Eddie Haskell: Wallace had basketball practice so I went out of my way to walk young Theodore home.
June Cleaver: Thank you, Eddie.
The Beaver: [Notices Rick at the table] Uh, um, who’s this, Mom? [The Beaver and Eddie sit]
June Cleaver: He’s a nice young man who’s looking for his home.
The Beaver: Gee. You know, Eddie, ah-ah-I was thinkin’, bein’ walked home from school an’ stuff, I guess it’s okay ’cause, you know, if I didn’t I’d, I’d get lost like this guy in our kitchen.
Rick Nelson: Excuse me, do you people know where the Nelsons live?
June Cleaver: Nelson, what a lovely name.
Rick Nelson: See, I gotta get home before dinner, ’cause they worry about me.[Eerie music plays as the camera pans off the set and over to Rod Serling, standing against a black background]
Rod Serling: Submitted for your approval. A 16-year-old teenager walking through Anytown, USA, past endless Elm Streets, Oak Streets and Maple Streets, unable to distinguish one house from the other, for he’s just entered a strange neighborhood, a neighborhood known as…the Twilight Zone.[Dissolve to Rick entering the same kitchen through the back door]
Rick Nelson: Hi, Mom, I’m home.
Mrs. Anderson: Bud, is that you?[Rick opens the fridge as Mrs. Anderson enters]
Mrs. Anderson: Oh, hello, you must be Betty’s blind date. [Shakes Rick’s hand and laughs] You’re a little early. I’m Mrs. Anderson. [“Father Knows Best” theme plays as Mrs. Anderson and Rick sit at the kitchen table] Betty’s upstairs getting ready.
Rick Nelson: Oh, I’m sorry. I thought this was my house. My name’s Rick Nelson?
Mrs. Anderson: Nelson, what a lovely name. But Bud told us your name was Larry. [Shrugs] That’s our Bud![Mr. Anderson enters]
Mr. Anderson: Oh, you must be Betty’s blind date! I’m Mr. Anderson! [Grins and shakes hands with Rick]
Rick Nelson: It’s a pleasure, Sir, pleasure. I’m Rick Nelson.
Mr. Anderson: Nelson, what a nice name. Presbyterian?
Rick Nelson: Uh, my father is, Sir. My mother’s Episcopal.
Mr. Anderson: Oh, well I certainly hope you’ll be staying for dinner, then. [Grins]
Mrs. Anderson: Oh, you’ll probably want to wash up and have a brownie first.
Rick Nelson: I better call my folks.[Betty enters]
Betty: Mother, could you help me zip– [sees Rick and becomes nervous] Oh…hi [clears throat]
Mr. Anderson: Princess, this is Bud’s friend, Rick!
Betty: Hello, Ricky. I know Bud put you up to this, and I want you to know I appreciate it.
Rick Nelson: Ah–I think I should explain something to everybody. I can’t go with you, Betty. My folks are expecting me at home, and I really should be getting home.
Betty: That’s all right. [Choking up] I know I’m not the prettiest girl in the world, and I’m not much fun to be with. Anyway, why would someone as good looking as you want to go out with someone like me? [Begins sobbing and runs out of the kitchen]
Mr. Anderson: Princess!
Mrs. Anderson: Betty![Bud enters and ignores Rick]
Mr. Anderson: Bud?
Bud: [Looks up] Hi, Dad.
Mr. Anderson: Aren’t you going to say “hi” to your friend, Rick?
Bud: [Looks at Rick and scoffs] I’ve never seen this guy before in my life. [Exits]
Mrs. Anderson: Jim, you better see to Betty. Here. [Hands Mr. Anderson the plate of brownies] Take her some brownies to cheer her up.[As Mr. Anderson exits, the eerie music resumes and the camera pans off the set to Rod Serling]
Rod Serling: Ricky Nelson has a problem. He’s late for dinner. Ozzie and Harriet are waiting for him. If he doesn’t get home soon, his dinner will be cold and he’ll have a lot of explaining to do. He could call home, but who, who would accept the charges on a call from…the Twilight Zone?[Dissolve to kitchen. Louise is standing over Mrs. Williams and daughter Linda as they have breakfast]
Linda: [As Louise tries to help her] It’s okay.
Mrs. Williams: Louise, the pancakes are cold again this morning.
Louise: [in low, barely audible voice] Uh, well, uh, that’s because they were sitting there.
Mrs. Williams: Well, it’s all right. I guess you did have to wait for us.
Louise: Uh, yes. [To Linda] Uh, let me taste a piece of the… [trails off as Linda feeds her a pancake piece]
Louise: They are cold.[Mr. Williams enters]
Mr. Williams: Ah! [Sits at the table] Good news, Uncle Tonoose is coming next week.[“Make Room For Daddy” theme plays as Mr. Williams reads his copy of “Variety.” He sniffs] Louise, smells like something’s burning.
Louise: Well, with your nose, Mr. Williams, something could be burning in Toledo and you’d know it!
Mrs. Williams: Linda, where’s your brother Rusty this morning?
Linda: Oh, Rusty’s upstairs pretending he’s sick because he’s got a test today!
Mr. Williams: [to Louise] Tell Rusty he better get down here or he can’t come to my show tonight!
Louise: If I tell him that, he’ll stay up there all year! [Exits] [Rick Nelson enters the kitchen through the back door]
Rick Nelson: Hi, Mom, I’m home!
The Williamses: Hi, Rusty![Mr. Williams whistles and reads “Variety’s” back page as Rick helps himself to some milk and sits at the table]
Mr. Williams: How about this? [reading article] Nelson boy still missing. Police today pledge to continue their massive search for teen idol Ricky Nelson after he failed to report home for dinner last night.
Rick Nelson: Well, wait a minute! I’m Ricky Nelson![The family does a spit take. Eerie music plays as the camera pans off the set to George Burns]
George Burns: Ricky’s confused. So are the writers, that’s why they brought me in here. You know, actually, Ricky and Rusty are easy names to confuse. In Vaudeville, I was once on a bill with a dance team called Rusty and Ricky. Everyone got them mixed up. See, Ricky and Rusty, well, Rusty had colored hair and…Rusty had rickets, which was unusual for a dance team. Was a great act! Rusty would do the limbo under Ricky’s bow legs until one day a nutritionist caught the show, put Ricky on a multivitamin diet, s’good for his health. Ruined the act. Well, Ricky should be getting home about now. [Takes a puff of his cigar] Let’s see what happens.[Dissolve to kitchen. Rick enters through the back door]
Rick Nelson: Hi, mom, I’m home.
Lucy: Is that you, Ricky?
Rick Nelson: Yeah, it’s me. [Takes the milk from the fridge and a glass from the cupboard] Boy, the strangest thing happened to me on the way home today.[Cut to Lucy]
Lucy: You’re not Ricky.[The “I Love Lucy” theme plays as Lucy and Rick walk to the kitchen table]
Rick Nelson: Yes, I am. I’m Ricky Nelson.
Lucy: No, you’re not. I-i-i-if you’re Ricky, then who are Fred and Ethel?
Rick Nelson: The wacky neighbors?
Lucy: All right, you’re right about that one. But if you are Ricky, who are you bringing home for dinner?
Rick Nelson: Fred and Ethel?
Lucy: No. Cesar Romero. [panics] Oh, no! Ricky’s bringing home Cesar Romero and I forgot about the turkey! [Rushes to the stove. Cut to Ricky Ricardo entering through the back door]
Ricky Ricardo: Hi, honey, I’m back from the club! And I brought a dinner guest, Cesar Romero! [Cesar enters. Cut to Lucy opening a pot with smoke pouring out]
Lucy: Waaaaaah![The “I Love Lucy” logo fades in. Dissolve to Alfred Hitchcock]
Alfred Hitchcock: Had Ricky asked, I could easily have provided him with a map of the stars’ homes, available at many newsstands in the Los Angeles area. This, of course, would have solved his problem. However, for reasons unknown to me, the sponsor would not permit it. Good evening.[The “Alfred Hitchcock Presents” theme plays as Hitchcock turns sideways to match the outlined profile on the screen] [Applause and fade]
Submitted by: JTR115