Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 13
Fred Silverman I
Cheryl Ladd…..Jane Curtin
Jaclyn Smith…..Gilda Radner
Voice of Charlie…..Bill Murray
Fred Silverman…..John Belushi
David Doyle…..Dan Aykroyd
Charlie: [on speakerphone] Frenchie? Frenchie, put that, uh, drink down in the other room, Ive got an important phone call to make here. Hello, Angels!
Angels: [in unison] Hi, Charlie!
Charlie: You all remember Freddy Silverman?[CUT to Silverman leaning on his desktop in a navy blue three-piece suit.]
Freddy: [rasps his voice] Sure, the Angels and I are old friends.
Kate: Sorry youre doing so badly over at NBC, Freddy.
Cheryl: [tosses head around] I hope youre not taking all the blame.
Charlie: Well, perhaps Freddy DESERVES the blame, or should I say, credit.
Jaclyn: Well, what do you mean, Charlie?
Charlie: Well, Jaclyn, why dont you let Freddy explain?
Freddy: You see… Im not really working for NBC.
Kate: Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Youre the president of the network!
Freddy: Right, Kate. But I never stopped working for ABC. [laughter] Fact is… Im ABCs Head of Covert Operations.
David: [standing behind Freddy] You see, girls: Freddy is a double agent.
Kate: So, in other words, Freddy is purposely sabotaging NBCs schedule to help ABC!
Charlie: Exactly, Kate.
Cheryl: [tosses head around] So that explains Hello, Larry![laughter and applause]
Freddy: Thats right, Cheryl. You see… the plan is for me to destroy NBC by June.
Charlie: And to do that, Freddys gonna need your help, Angels.
Jaclyn: [grinning] Well do anything for Freddy.
Kate: Yeah, but how can we destroy NBCs ratings?
Charlie: Okay, girls. Here are your instructions. Cheryl? [ZOOM IN on Cheryl] Youre going on NBC, and youre going to sing.[laughter]
Freddy: You will appear on The Tonight Show, The Midnight Special, Tomorrow show, Rock Concert, Today, segment three of the Nightly News. Dont worry about the bookings, ahh, well take care of that… Just go out there and sing your heart out.
Cheryl: [tosses head around] All right, Freddy!
Charlie: Jaclyn? [ZOOM in on Jaclyn] Next month, youll be appearing on a Network Challenge of the Sexes. But this one will be a little bit different. Freddy?
Freddy: In the Quickest Draw Competition, youre paired against Johnny Carson. Only your gun… is loaded with real bullets.
Jaclyn: So I eliminate Johnny Carson.
David: And that finishes The Tonight Show. But suppose NBC comes up with an even more popular host?
Freddy: Dont worry about that. Weve already picked Johnnys new replacement. McLean Stevenson.[He slaps the desktop as the girls all moan and squirm and the audience laughs. A silent pause goes by.]
Charlie: Uh, David? Theres one thing that you can do.
Charlie: We think that Tom Bosley of Happy Days may try to hold out for more money. We want you to be available for minor cosmetic surgery in case we need you to fill in for him.
David: Thats it! Okay, Im, Im game, sure!
Kate: Okay, so lets see, Cheryl sings, uh, Jaclyn kills Johnny, David goes under the knife, but, uh, what do you want ME to do, Charlie?
Charlie: Kate? We have a special assignment for you. Are you familiar with NBCs Saturday Night Live?
Kate: Uh, I used to watch it, but it went downhill after Chevy Chase left.
Cheryl: Oh, yeah.
Charlie: Well, Freddy would like you to host.
Freddy: You see, Kate: we need, uh, to get one of you people inside that show. We picked you, because… youre the smart one.
Jaclyn: Wait a minute.
Kate: Okay, look, look. Thank you, Freddy, uh, but why, uh, Saturday Night Live?
Freddy: Well, their cast represents some of NBCs best talent… [laughter] Uh, its… its the only show theyve got left. We could scull it by getting the cast to leave, uh, late night for some abysmal prime-time projects.
Kate: Like what?
Freddy: Like, well, Hello, Laraine, Hello, Aykroyd, Hello, Belushi…
Kate: Okay, all right, great, great, great, but I still dont understand where do I fit in, then?
Freddy: I want you to front for me. Get their confidence, and then introduce them to your new friend Freddy. [points to himself]
Kate: [sighs] Well, Charlie, I think I can handle it, it seems simple enough. Uh, where is it taped?
Freddy: [quizzically] Ohh! Its taped– [turns to camera] Live, from New York, its Saturday Night!!
Submitted by: Sean