Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 13
Fred Silverman II
Fred Silverman…..John Belushi
Paul Gross…..Bill Murray
Voice of Receptionist…..Laraine Newman
Tom Snyder…..Dan Aykroyd
Paul: [taps board] Well… heres the new schedule, just like you dictated it, Freddy.
Freddy: I like it! I like it very much.
Paul: I wanna say… a few members of the board were a little bit, uh… disturbed. [chuckles nervously] Surprised, I guess. Irv Goodman said, if he didnt know better, hed say you were trying to sabotage the network.
Freddy: Well, thats why Irvs in finance, and, uh, were in programming, Paul. [claps his shoulder]
Paul: Well, I must say that I share some of Irvs… apprehension about it. If youd let me play Nielsens advocate for a second… Uh, now, putting the Today show at eight oclock at night, you know, thats a little confusing, you know? The Today show made its reputation on being a morning show.
Freddy: But the Today show is one of our biggest shows. We NEED it in prime time. [taps board with finger]
Paul: Okay. But why did we hang on to Little Women? It was dead last in the ratings.
Freddy: Paul, let me give you a little lesson in creative programming. Yknow… uh, this thing thats going on between the United States and Red China. Its very important, you know that?
Paul: Whats it got to do with TV programming?
Freddy: Little Women is on nobodys mind. But China is on everybodys mind. So, next season, uh, we make Little Women into… Little Chinese Women.[He stoops and holds out his hand to indicate a short person.]
Paul: [uncertainly] Well, I guess you know what youre doing. Uh… all the NBC News contracts have been signed. Effective March 1st, David Brinkley will be replaced by Rip Taylor. [laughter] I just hope we dont lose our credibility!
Freddy: Lets leave credibility to Walter Cronkite and his core of holier-than-thou serious news journalists. He makes me wanna vomit!
Paul: Well, I dont know, I dont think Cronkites so bad, but… youre the boss, Freddy![intercom on desk buzzes]
Receptionist: Kate Jackson to see you, Mr. Silverman.
Freddy: Oh, send her right in.
Paul: Kate Jackson. Shes the smart one, isnt she?
Freddy: Right, yeah.
Paul: [reaches toward desk] Well, Ill get these contracts countersigned.[Paul picks up the folder and steps toward the door. He opens it exactly as Kate turns the knob and walks in.]
Kate: Oh! Excuse me.
Paul: Oh, hi, er…
Paul: Paul Gross. [shakes her hand] Nice to meet you.
Kate: Nice to meet you.
Paul: Say, how are things working out with that Saturday night group of crazies?
Kate: Oh, it seems to be going pretty well.
Paul: Boy, thats a wigged-out bunch, yknow that, I dont know whether theyre kidding me or what. [laughs]
Kate: Nice to meet you.
Paul: Nice meeting you, too. [starts to leave]
Kate: Bye-bye.[She watches Paul exit and then steps over to Freddy.]
Freddy: [in a hushed voice] Kate, hows everything going?
Kate: I dont know, Freddy, its a little early to tell. Now, I talked to Gilda about, uh, your proposal for Hello, Radner.
Freddy: Good. Did you talk to, uh, Jane about Mrs. Kojak?
Kate: No, no I, look, could you just, could you just, uh, I dont think shes going to shave her head![laughter]
Freddy: Well, ask Laraine.
Kate: All right, now, look. [checks watch] Ive gotta get back down there because Im in another sketch right now, okay?
Freddy: Okay. See you later.
Kate: [pats his shoulder] See you later, Freddy.[Kate dashes away. The intercom buzzes a moment later.]
Receptionist: Pauls on the line with the scrap iron people. They made an offer for the Supertrain.[Audience laughs while Freddy sits down behind his desk and picks up the phone. A row of video monitors behind him displays the still shot of Kate Jackson seen in the previous commercial bumper.]
Freddy: Yeah, Paul. [pause] Theyll give us fifty dollars a ton? So lets see, thats… twenty-two hundred dollars. Which makes a… 11-million-dollar loss. Give or take a couple thousand. [sits back] What do you MEAN, they dont want the caboose? Thats the best part! [pause] I know, I know! Listen, I got an idea. See if the caboose can float. I mean it! Maybe somebody could… No, wait. I got it. Well make it a series. Caboose Cruise. Every week it goes somewhere else. YES, Im serious! [pause] We can give it to McLean. Well call it… Ahoy, Larry.[intercom buzzes]
Freddy: Excuse me, Paul. [into intercom] Yeah?
Receptionist: Tom Snyder here to see you, Mr. Silverman.[The audience bursts into applause.]
Freddy: [frantically] Tell him Im not here! Im NOT HERE! Does he know Im in? I–[He bites off his words as Tom walks in with a cream-colored leisure jacket, slicked-down hair, and a cigarette in his right hand.]
Tom: [over applause] Freddy? I know youre a busy man, and I, I know you got good reasons why you havent returned my calls, whatever. Were all busy, right–there are people whose calls I dont return. Ah, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! [applause] Freddy, I understand through my stage manager, Shelly Schwartz, that youre moving me to 10:00 p.m. Friday night! [extends his arms]
Freddy: Thats right, uh, its to get a bigger share of the audience. Youll be premiering after a special two-hour Hello, Larry.
Tom: Freddy? Youve done it again, sir. What can I say, sir? I take off my hat to ya, if I were wearing a hat, Id take it off, Id give it to ya. Im sorry I go barging in like this–Ill be seeing ya at… nine o–ten oclock Friday, nine oclock Central time. [backs up to leave] From all of us on the prime-time shift, good night, sir, thanks a lot, and, Ill, I love ya, and Im not gonna do ya wrong![Tom exits to cheers and applause. Freddy rubs his forehead for a second and swivels around in his chair. The video monitors behind him display a waiting room set.]
Freddy: [into phone] Listen, Larry! Larry, Im sorry, listen, Ive gotta hang up. Saturday Night Live is coming on the screen. Uhh… uh, I havent seen the opening yet. I missed it. Here…[ZOOM IN on the monitors as Freddy turns to watch.]
Submitted by: Sean