SNL Transcripts: Kate Jackson: 02/24/79: Mr. Bill Shapes Up


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 13

78m: Kate Jackson / Delbert McClinton

Mr. Bill Shapes Up

Mr. Hands: Hey kids it’s time for the Mr. Bill show!

(The curtain rises to reveal Mr. Bill with a big stomach and a messy mouth and hands and the set is covered with junk food.)

Mr. Bill: Ho ho kiddies! Oh boy are we gonna have fun today. Because were all gonna eat some snacks, Yay! Oh we’ve got pies and cakes and candy bars and potato chips. Oh I sure hope we have enough.

Mr. Hands: Say Mr. Bill maybe you shouldn’t. Because you’re getting a little chubby.

Mr. Bill: Oh really?

Mr. Hands: Sure and so is Spot. (Mr Hands takes a donut revealing Spot who also looks chubby.)

Mr. Bill: Oh Mr. Hands but you know we’ve been trying to cut down on our sweets.)

Mr. Hands: (Takes away a lemon meringue pie and places a scale on the set) Well the best way to control your weight is to check it every day on this scale.

Mr. Bill: Oh but you know I don’t like weighing myself I’m a little scared.

Mr. Hands: (Places Mr. Bill on the scale) Oh come on. Hop up on

Mr. Bill: Ok. Ahhhhhh Let’s see.

Mr. Hands: Now lets see how much you…(Place his hand on the scale which tops out at 190)

Mr. Bill: Oh no!

Mr. Hands: Gee a hundred and ninety pounds!

Mr. Bill: Oh Mr. Hands can you take me to a health spa quick?

Mr. Hands: (starts molding Sluggo into shape) But you know we can’t afford that.

Mr. Bill: Well how do you keep in such great shape huh?

Mr. Hands: I exercise every day here at home with Sluggo LaLaine! (Sluggo appears holding a mini barbell in his hand)

Mr. Bill: Oh no! He’s gonna be mean!

Mr. Hands: No he just wants to help you shape up.

Mr. Bill: He just wants to be mean.

Mr. Hands: Now first he wants us to pass the medicine ball around.

Mr. Bill: Oh no!

Mr. Hands: Here Spot! (Drops the ball right on spot flattening him.)

Mr. Bill: No no wait no Ohhhhhhhhh! Oh why why!

Mr. Hands: There he’s looking thinner already.

Mr. Bill: Oh no!

Mr. Hands: Now Mr. Bill we’re going to jump rope. So jump high (Swinging a jump rope.)

Mr. Bill: No but you know I can’t jump! (Mr. Hands takes the rope and pulls Mr. Bill down seperating his feet.) Ohhhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: Oh we knocked you off your feet.

Mr. Bill: Oh no! Come on!

Mr. Hands: Next Sluggo LaLaine says to sooth those tight muscles with a good rubdown (Starts slapping Mr. Bill in the stomach and the last chop is a hard one.)

Mr. Bill: No no wait stop no Ohhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: Next he says to build those arm muscles by lifting weights (Holds a huge barbell for Mr. Bill)

Mr. Bill: No but you know I can’t hold it! (Mr. Hands drops the barbell right on Mr. Bill’s chin so he can’t breath but Mr. Hands lifts it up.)

Mr. Hands: There’s a load off your chest. Now we’re going to shrink that stomach by doing ten situps.

Mr. Bill: No but you know my back can’t bend.

Mr. Hands: I’ll hold your ankles. (Pulls Mr. Bill up breaking Mr. Bill’s back in the process)

Mr. Bill: Ooh Ooh ow stop Ohhhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: And now for those shoulders. Sluggo says to stetch this spring. (A heavy spring that you pull back.)

Mr. Bill: No but I can’t hold it!

Mr. Hands: He says do it ten times.

Mr. Bill: No I can’t I can’t no! (Mr. Hands lets go of the spring and Mr. Bill is sent flying into a brick wall flattening him.)

Mr. Hands: Oh Mr. Bill you’re slimming up already!

Mr. Bill: Oh no stop! Leave me alone!

Mr. Hands: Now we’ll melt off the rest of those excess pounds in the steam box. (Place Mr. Bill in it)

Mr. Bill: But I don’t like the steam box leave me alone!

Mr. Hands: But it also opens up the pores.

Mr. Bill: I don’t like losing weight no!

Mr. Hands: Are you ready? (turns on the steam box and it gets so hot that Mr. Bill’s face melts.)

Mr. Bill: No ohhhhhhhh! Too hot! Too hot! Noooooo! Ohhhhhhhhh! Oh why why! (Mr. Hands turns it off.)

Mr. Hands: Now lets check the results. (Opens up the box to reveal Mr. Bill is now wirey thin with a melted face.)

Mr. Bill: Oh no!

Mr. Hands: Say Mr. Bill how do you like your new physique?

Mr. Bill: I don’t like it! I don’t like it! Leave me alone!

Mr. Hands: After a rough workout like that we need to cool off with a refreshing shower. (Places Mr. Bill in the shower)

Mr. Bill: No but you know I can’t take a shower Mr. Hands! (Mr. Hands turns on the shower and aims it at Mr. Bill. Mr. Bill is eventually washed away down the drain.) Oh stop it! Oh no! Oh nooooooooooooooooo!

Mr. Hands: So until next week kids. Mr. Bill says So long! See you next time! Bye bye!


Submitted by: Nick

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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