Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 14
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray
… Jane Curtin
… Bill Murray
Voice of Mrs. Ed … Laraine Newman
[Jane Curtin sits alone at the Update desk, thetrademark spinning globe on the Chroma-Key screenbehind her.]
Don Pardo: And now, Weekend Update with the WeekendUpdate news team. Brought to you by Chairman Meow, theChinese food for cats. [The globe dissolves to agraphic of a chinese cat, a supper dish withchopsticks and the text: CHAIRMAN MEOW. A grinningBill Murray rushes onto the set, sits, and is handedhis microphone which he clips to his necktie. Muchapplause for his last second arrival.] Here areanchorpersons Jane Curtin and Bill Murray.
Jane Curtin: Good evening. I’m Jane Curtin. Our topstory tonight:[Photo of Jimmy Carter] President Carter has arrivedin Jerusalem for the final phase of his Mideast peacemission. Reportedly, Carter’s image maker, GeraldRafshoon, stated tonight, quote, “This is theprecarious culmination of months of dedicated effort,moderating, refereeing, compromising, coddling,proposing, traveling, sometimes anguished and oftenheartbreaking but always hopeful work. If this doesn’tget this cracker clown re-elected, I don’t know whatthe hell will.” End quote.
The Israeli National Radio reports that an Arab coupleon the West Bank named their newborn baby “Carter” inhonor of the president’s visit. [Photo of Gerald Ford]The report added that when former president Fordvisited Israel last month, a young woman in Tel Avivhad a false pregnancy and named it “Jerry.”[Image of a planet surrounded by a Saturn-like ring]The Voyager I spacecraft has sent back photographsshowing that the planet Jupiter is surrounded by aring, a fact not heretofore known. NASA scientistswere astounded and went to work trying to come up witha theory explaining the phenomenon. Today, afterpainstaking analysis and evaluation of the data, aNASA spokesman reports that God was playing with abasketball and it got stuck in the hoop. More on thatgame as it develops. [Photo of an adorable baby seal] Hunting season openedtoday in Canada and hunters were out in force on theice, smashing the heads of the cute, fluffy, whitebaby harp seals, staining the snow with blood andfilling the air with the screams of the little animalsand their mothers. This story is marred by a sad note.Several of the seal hunters slipped on the ice andsuffered fractures and frostbite. Get well soon,fellas.
Bill Murray: [Graphic with the following text: NewsPoll – URINE 71% – YEMEN 9%] An NBC news poll showsthat almost eight times as many Americans know that ifyou put a sleeping person’s hand in lukewarm water hewill wet his bed as know which side we’re on in theNorth Yemen-South Yemen conflict.
An interesting note: last week, we inadvertantlymisspelled “Philadelphia” on this clock [gestures tothe clock directly behind him labeled: PHILADELPIA]and somehow we didn’t realize it — but a hundred andsixty people from Philly did and called in to complainabout it. Well, to you hundred and sixty callers, wejust wanted you to know that over twelve thousandpeople from your city called to say that they likedthe new spelling better than the old one, so nice tohave you with us, all you people from “Philadelpia.”
Bill Murray: [pulls earrings out of his pocket] Oh, Jane, by theway, you left these earrings in my apartment.
Jane Curtin: Oh.
Bill Murray: [hands earrings to Jane who pockets them]Under the pillow. Laraine found them. [Jane doesn’tlook too happy to hear that]
Jane Curtin: Well, the mudslinging has already begunfor the 1980 presidential election. In an a article inthe Manchester, New Hampshire Union-Leader, [Photo ofPhilip Crane] Republican presidential candidate PhilipCrane is portrayed as a promiscuous ladies man whosegoal is to have sex with one thousand women. An angryCrane called the story a malicious lie planted by acampaign worker for Ronald Reagan. [Photo of RonaldReagan] Meanwhile, Weekend Update has discovered froman unreliable source that Reagan has had sex with overone thousand men.[Image of newspaper headline: U.S. Judge Bars Use ofan Article On the H-Bomb – Issues Temporary Order inFirst Amendment Case] In Milwaukee, federal judgeRobert Warren issued a restraining order to keepProgressive magazine from publishing the secrets ofthe H-bomb in its April issue. Judge Warren said, “Iwant to think a long, hard time before I give ahydrogen bomb to Idi Amin.” [Photo of dictator IdiAmin] Meanwhile, as Tanzanian troops marched on hiscapital in Uganda, Idi Amin renewed his subscriptionto The Progressive and hoped for the best.
Using strong language, toting ten gallon hats andsmoking cigars, a group of free-wheeling moles went ona rampage after a Memphis screening of “The Warriors.”They terrorized a school bus, danced the hula, andmade fun of a crossing guard at a local elementaryschool. There were no arrests.
Bill Murray: Tragedy in the world of show businessthis week when Mr. Ed, TV’s talking horse, died at theage of thirty-three. The talented horse was one of thefew stars who successfully made the transition fromsilent movies to talkies. In accordance with hiswishes, Mr. Ed’s tombstone will bear the simplelegend: “Mr. Dead.” [The photo dissolves to a graphicreading: Bill Murray’s CELEBRITY CORNER] You know, Ijust couldn’t dismiss a story like this so easily. Mr.Ed was a big part of my childhood so, in a finaltribute, I’ve contacted his grieving widow and she hasagreed to appear on Celebrity Corner. [Murray turns tothe Chroma-Key screen expecting to see the horse butnothing happens] Mrs. Ed? [Murray realizes that Mrs.Ed isn’t going to show up, turns to the camera, andbegins stalling for time, much to the audience’samusement] You know, we kid, we do a lot of kiddingabout the animal kingdom, quite a bit of kidding aboutthe animal kingdom but, you know, if it weren’t forthose people with four legs, how would some of us lessfortunate with two– [Finally, Mrs. Ed, a large whitehorse wearing a black veil, appears on the screen] Ah!Mrs. Ed? Hello. I’m so sorry that we had to meet underthese circumstances. [The spooked horse shies awayfrom the lights and its handler struggles to keep itfacing the camera – instead, we get a view of itslarge rear end] What– what can I say, except, I knowhow you feel. I know how you feel. What can I say? I’msorry. That’s all you can expect me to say. I’m very–[By now, the handler has maneuvered the horse intofacing the camera but struggles throughout the rest ofthe interview to maintain this position.]
Mrs. Ed: [sounding exactly like a female Mr. Ed]Weeeell, thank you, William!
Bill Murray: Be brave, Mrs. Ed. You know that the hearts of all Americans are with you. I hope you know that.
Mrs. Ed: I know that, Bill! The phone hasn’t stopped ringing.
Bill Murray: You had one of the more successful show business marriages, thirty years, Mrs. Ed. How did you do it?
Mrs. Ed: We loved each other, Bill. Ed was supportive,considerate and caring. And, incidentally, he wasgreat in the hay. [neighs happily] A little horsejoke, William.
Bill Murray: Ha ha! Stud, was he? I got that. I seewhere he got his sense of humor, too. I guess Ed’slast days must have been very hard on you, huh?
Mrs. Ed: No. Ed– [The horse tries to walk off.] Waita minute, where am I going?! [The handler leads thehorse in a circle to face the camera again.]
Bill Murray: It’s – it’s – it’s the one with the redlight on, Mrs. Ed.
Mrs. Ed: Thank you, William! William, Ed made it easyfor me. He knew he was dying. He accepted itphilosophically. With his last breath, Ed just lookedat me and sighed: “A corpse is a corpse, of course, ofcourse.”[Much applause as we dissolve back to the “BillMurray’s CELEBRITY CORNER” graphic and a tearfulMurray wipes his eyes and addresses the camera:]
Bill Murray: Sweet, sweet, sweet lady, huh? Let memention to our viewers that the Ed family hasrequested that in lieu of flowers, well-wishers shouldsend a donation to the American Hardening of theFetlocks Association in Galveston, Texas. Jane?
Jane Curtin: [cracking up] That’s the news. Good nightand have a pleasant tomorrow.