Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 15
The Franken & Davis Show
Augie Hartwell…..Tom Davis
Announcer: It’s time for “the Franken & Davis Show”, starring Al Franken and Tom Davis. And now.. here’s Al & Tom![ dissolve to Al Franken standing onstage alone ]
Al Franken: Thak you, thank you! Thank you very much! Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Tom is backstage, uh.. getting dressed. Before we start the show tonight, there’s something that I’d like to get off my chest, it’s been really bugging me. As you know, “The Franken & Davis Show” has rocketed me to stardom.. and, of course, I’m thrilled about it. But, unfortunately, a few unscrupulous people have.. tried to.. capitalize on the success of “The Franken & Davis Show”, and.. well, something ugly has happened. A few days ago, I was in the supermarket, I was in the dry cereal section, and I saw this! [ holds up a box of the cereal Frankenberry” ] “Franken Berry”! Okay? Franken Berry cereal. This is my name! They’re using my name – Franken – and this is my face! I mean, look at this! [ turns the box around to reveal a full-sized potrait of the pinkish Frankenberry monster – Al mimics the facial expression ] Huh? Okay? This is.. this is my mouth.. my nose – can you see that? They’ve got my glasses.. and this is the worst part, look at this.. [ covers everything below the head ] Can you see that? They’re using my rear end! Can you see that? They’re using my charisma to push a breakfast cereal, and I just. I just had to get that.. get that off my chest, and we’re suing the Big G! Let me just say that.
Well.. enough of that. Let’s get.. let’s get right to tonight’s show.[ dissolve to title card for “Pity Thy Neighbor”; dissolve back to Al Franken and Dan Aykroyd onstage ]
Al Franken: Welcome to Franken & Davis’ “Pity Thy Neighbor” – the program that gives you the opportunity to give something you don’t need.. to someone who will take it. Now.. Dan Aykroyd? Tell us who our first pitiful neighbor is, Dan.
Dan Aykroyd: Well, Al.. let us welcome Mr. Augie Hartwell! A young man whom we are told is down on his luck.[ audience claps as Augie enters ]
Al Franken: Welcome, Augie, uh.. how are you?
Augie Hartwell: I’ve.. been sick.
Al Franken: You’ve been sick?
Augie Hartwell: Yes.
Al Franken: Well, Augie, how sick are you?
Augie Hartwell: Well, my urine is bright orange.. and I’ve had a headache for a year..
Al Franken: Ladies and gentlemen, this poor man.. has been sick for a year – his urine is bright orange.. I’m gonna open the lines. Let’s flash those numbers.. let’s put those numbers on the screen now. If you have anything that you’d like to give.. this poor, wretched creature.. phone in that number right there.. and I’m sure he’ll take it. Now, uh.. tell us, Augie.. where do you live?
Augie Hartwell: I live in, uh.. Gramercy Park.
Al Franken: Well, that’s a, uh.. fashionable area..
Augie Hartwell: No, in the park! In the bushes!!
Al Franken: Oh, in the actual park..
Augie Hartwell: Yeah!
Al Franken: Oh, that is.. that is terribly pathetic. Uh, Dan Aykroyd? How many phone-in pledges do we have for Augie?
Dan Aykroyd: Uh, well.. we haven’t had a ring yet, Al.
Al Franken: None? None. Um.. Augie, uh.. why don’t you tell us, uh.. what do you eat?
Augie Hartwell: Popcorn and pigeons.
Al Franken: Oh., Oh, ladies and gentlemen.. here is a man with no home, no possessions.. an obviously scanty diet. Certainly there must be something that you don’t need – a dented soup can.. a-an old stained mattress.. something .. that you can send this.. pathetic creature. Well, certainly we have some calls by now, Dan.
Dan Aykroyd: [ sighs ] Nothing. Nada! Al.
Al Franken: [ feeling dejected ] Oh. Well, uh.. tell me, Augie.. how did you get down to our, uh.. show today? How do you get around town?
Augie Hartwell: I grab on the back of a bus!
Al Franken: You grab on..?
Augie Hartwell: Yeah.. ow-oh!!
Al Franken: Augie.. Augie..?
Augie Hartwell: Oh-ow!!
Al Franken: ..What happened?
Augie Hartwell: I bit my tongue again!
Al Franken: Oh.. oh.. you are a mess..
Augie Hartwell: Oh..
Al Franken: Well, Dan? Did he get any.. any calls?
Dan Aykroyd: No.
Al Franken: Well, gee, I’m.. sorry, Augie.. this has never happened on.. “Pity Thy Neighbor” before. Sorry we’re running out of time, there’s other pitiful neighbors waiting out in the wings, I’m.. afriad you’re going to have to leave..
Augie Hartwell: Well, you’re the only one who cares about me.. why don’t you give me something now?
Al Franken: Oh, no, I’m sorry, Augie, I can’t.. I see hundreds of pitiful neighbors every week. If I.. if I gave to you, I’d have to give to them all. Then I’d be a pitiful neighbor myself!
Augie Hartwell: Does that mean I don’t get anything?
Al Franken: Uh, no.. we wouldn’t ket you go without anything. We wouldn’t let you go empty-handed. Dan, why don’t you tell Augie what he’s won.
Dan Aykroyd: Well, Al.. Augie has won the home version of the “Pity Thy Neighbor” game! [ holds game box up ] Which you can play with your friends or family.
Augie Hartwell: But I don’t have any friends..
Al Franken: Well, that’s-
Augie Hartwell: ..or family..
Al Franken: Well, that’s too bad.. Now, remember, Augie, you can only appear once.. on “Pity Thy Neighbor”, so.. goodbye, and don’t come back.
Augie Hartwell: [ meekly ] Thank you..
Dan Aykroyd: [ grabbing Augie and dragging him out of the studio ] Let’s go, pal!
Al Franken: Uh.. be sure to tune in next week, when our next pitiful neighbor says his name.. is Steven Weed.[ dissolve to title card ]
Announcer: Al & Tom will be right back after this message. “The Franken & Davis Show” is brought ot you by the International Communist Party: Sooner or later, you’ll be Communist. And now.. here’s Al & Tom![ dissolve to Al & Tom waving good night to the audience ]
Al Franken: Good night, everybody!
Tom Davis: Thanks for watching!
Al Franken: Thanks! Good night![ zoom out on set, as SUPER arises: “Coming up next… Honk If You Love Geese” ] [ fade ]