Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 15
Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute
Mrs. Potter…..Margot Kidder
Fred Garvin…..Dan Aykroyd
[ open on Mrs. Potter lying in bed in hotel room, as a knock is heard at the door ]
Mrs. Potter: I’m coming, I’m coming.. [ opens door ] Hello?
Fred Garvin: [ entering ] Mrs. Potter?
Mrs. Potter: Yes.. that’s me.
Fred Garvin: The same Mrs. Potter who’s Vice-President, in charge of loans for the Franklin National Bank in Chicago.
Mrs. Potter: Yeah, that’s me.
Fred Garvin: Here, this is for you.
Mrs. Potter: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
Fred Garvin: May I come in?
Mrs. Potter: What for?
Fred Garvin: Well, ma’am, you see, when a VP like yourself comes to Milain to do business, it’s customary for the company to send a gal up to the room, compliments of Great Lakes Feed & Grain. And, well.. since you’re a gal, the company sent me – Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute.[ Fred stares at the camera as the title card appears ]
Mrs. Potter: Uh.. I don’t, I don’t think you understand, Fred. I’m not that kind of girl..
Fred Garvin: Oh, let me reassure you, ma’am. I can assure you profssional hygeine, discretion and animal gratification.
Mrs. Potter: I have never had to pay for that in my whole life.
Fred Garvin: Well, don’t worry about it. Great Lakes Feed & Grain is picking up the tab. You get me for the whole night!
Mrs. Potter: Hey, uh..
Fred Garvin: Hey is for horses, young lady. No ifs, ands or buts about it – you’re spending the night with Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute.[ Fred stares at the camera as the title card appears ]
Well, now, I have a work order here which specifies that I am to roger you roundly ’til 6:15 tomorrow morning.
Mrs. Potter: Now, wait a minute.. wait a minute. Don’t I get dome say in this? I mean, maybe I want some sleep. Maybe I don’t want to be rogered roundly.
Fred Garvin: Ma’am, you’re dealing here with a fully qualified male strumpet. I service the entire quad cities area – Moline, Rock Island, Davenport and Bettendorf. Why don’t you give it a whirl? What have you got to lose?
Mrs. Potter: [ walks aside to think to herself ] What do I have to lose? No one’s ever gonna know.. and I’m not gonna see Paul for another couple of weeks. Sure, Fred’s not the most attractive guy in the world.. but if he makes a living at this, he must be doing something right. [ finished thinking ] Okay, Mr. Garvin. I’ll try it.
Fred Garvin: Congratulations, Mrs. Potter! I knew you’d come to your sense. And, ma’am, if you’re amenable, I’d like to begin the session by striking a few.. seductive poses. [ makes series of odd, comic poses ]
Mrs. Potter: That’s nice..
Fred Garvin: I call this one “The Snake”. [ poses like a snake ]
Mrs. Potter: Uh.. well, I’m, uh..
Fred Garvin: Mrs. Potter, please cooperate. Come on, now, come on. You’ll thank yourself later, now come on. Get on under this bed here, young lady, come on, come on. Just jump right on in here.
Mrs. Potter: Okay. [ jumps in ]
Fred Garvin: Now, if you don’t mind, I do work with the glasses and jacket. [ climbs in ] Feeling anything yet? Any symptoms of arousal?
Mrs. Potter: I don’t think so.
Fred Garvin: Well, these things take time. Perhaps a bit of humor will break the ice. What’s red and green, and goes like this? [ makes spinning motion ]
Mrs. Potter: I don’t know.
Fred Garvin: A frog in a blender! There you go. And now, look at this. [ holds up card ]
Mrs. Potter: What’s this?
Fred Garvin: My backseat driver’s license! [ laughs ] Enough foreplay – let’s get cracking. [ removes pants ]
Mrs. Potter: [ notices something ] Hey, wait a minute..
Fred Garvin: What?
Mrs. Potter: What is all that stuff?
Fred Garvin: Oh, uh.. that’s my rather elaborate network of trusses. I will need your help with a couple of these. I got the old hernia truss here.. and I got a spleen truss, it opens up with a couple of snaps here in the back..
Mrs. Potter: No, I don’t think so.. you know, I.. I.. I think this is a little too much for me, I, uh..
Fred Garvin: No, no.. it’s just a couple of snaps in the back. You know, you just gotta make sure you don’t touch the rupture, that’s all..[ a knock at the door ]
Mrs. Potter: Who’s that? Who’s that?
Slick: It’s Slick.
Mrs. Potter: Who’s Slick?
Fred Garvin: Uh.. Slick. This takes a little explanation. You see.. Slick is a gentleman of leisure. He looks out for me and the girls. Uh.. be there in a jiffy, Slick! By the way, one good word from you would really put me in good with the boss.
Mrs. Potter: Okay.
Fred Garvin: [ opens door ] Hey, Slick!
Slick: [ enters, dressed a pimp ] There’s my main man! I was down in the hallway, I thought you mind need some help with your trusses, baby.
Mrs. Potter: Oh, no, we don’t need any help with his trusses. In fact, I think maybe you’d both better get out of here.
Slick: What’s the matter, Miss? Hasn’t Fred attended to your needs?
Mrs. Potter: Oh, no.. he’s really attended to my needs.. [ Fred signals her ] He was wonderful! The earth moved! In fact, it moved so muich, I don’t think I can take any more!
Slick: [ laughs ] That’s my Fred! Yeah. He’s my bread-and-butter man. You see, in my schedule I got eight girls, and Fred. Come on, Fred, let’s go, man. They got some hungry women in Beddendorf waiting for the Garden Lizard.
Mrs. Potter: Fred? Fred? Fred, I just want to thank you for tonight. I’m never going to forget it.
Fred Garvin: Well, thank you, ma’am. I do what I can. Because I’m Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute.[ Fred stares at the camera as the title card appears ] [ camera pulls back on set, with SUPER: “coming up next… Beware of the Dogma” ] [ fade to black ]