Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 15
Eve Beverage … Jane Curtin
Edna Woman … Margot Kidder
Betsy Sandler … Gilda Radner
Patsy Carlson … Laraine Newman
First Questioner … Anne Beatts
Second Questioner … Rosie Shuster
[Tammy Wynette’s “Stand By Your Man” plays as we fadein on the set of a talk show. SUPER: MEN’S PROBLEMS.Four suburban women sit and talk amongstthemselves.]
Eve Beverage: [to the woman beside her] Oh, Iknow! And it’s just that they, you know, they come outof there and they keep trying to go back in! You know?It’s terrible.
Edna Woman: I know. I know just what youmean.
Eve Beverage: [into the camera] Oh, hi! I’m EveBeverage. And welcome to Men’s Problems, the show thattries to help men. And now let’s meet the girls. EdnaWoman.
Edna Woman: Hiya. [waves, smiles – wears a pinkpantsuit, her legs spread wide apart throughout thesketch]
Eve Beverage: Betsy Sandler. [bespectacledwoman who smiles and nods] Patsy Carlson. [redhead whowaves] Marsha Dieter couldn’t be here ’cause herhusband hadn’t eaten dinner yet. Well, last week, wewere talking about how all men are in love with theirmothers and hate them at the same time.
Edna Woman: I think men are – are all spoiledbabies ’cause their mothers gave ’em everything theywanted. Except sex.
Eve Beverage: Oh, exactly. They’re likechildren.
Edna Woman: Yeah.
Betsy Sandler: Oh, tell me about it! I gotthree kids: two are my real kids and one is my husbandPeter. [waves, into the camera] Hi, kids! Hi,Peter!
Eve Beverage: Well, maybe they behave likechildren because they can never actually have childrenthemselves.
Edna Woman: Yeah. And even if they do havekids, they can never actually be sure who the fatherreally is. That’s a problem.
Eve Beverage: Very good point. Very goodpoint.
Edna Woman: That’s a really big men’sproblem.
Eve Beverage: Well, what else, do youthink?
Edna Woman: Size.
Eve Beverage: Ahhh!
Edna Woman: Size is a big problem.
Betsy Sandler: Yeah. Well, uh, size can eitherbe a big problem or a little problem.
[Others murmur agreement or say, “Yeah” andchuckle.]
Eve Beverage: That’s true. That’s very true.Very true.
Betsy Sandler: [into camera] Oh, I didn’t – Ididn’t mean anything specific about you, Peter.[chuckles]
Eve Beverage: Well, one huge men’s problem isthat they can’t make us climax.
Edna Woman: [after an awkward pause, puts ahand on Eve’s arm] Oh, you gotta show him,honey.
Eve Beverage: Well–
Edna Woman: You gotta show him.
Eve Beverage: It’s always the same with Dick.First, he says, “Mama Bear, come to Papa Bear” — thenhe goes “Honk, honk, honk” and then falls asleep likea beached whale! [mimics snoring] You know what Imean? That’s terrible.
Betsy Sandler: Oh, God, it sounds just likePeter!
Eve Beverage: Oh, no!
Patsy Carlson: Uh, can I say something? Can I?I think it’s a terrible men’s problem when the guyfalls in love with you and you think he’s a creep. Andhe won’t take no for an answer. My God, if I couldhave a dime for every charity case I’ve slept with–[shakes her head, chuckling — pause as the othersstare at her in shock — uncomfortably] Well, thereweren’t that many.
Eve Beverage: Making us into masochists is aterrible men’s problem.
Betsy Sandler: [nods] Mmm. Oh, you wanna hear areally bad men’s problem?
Eve Beverage: That they can’t fake it.
Betsy Sandler: Uh, no, no. I – I was thinking,you know, you know, when – how men worry about theirhair?
Eve Beverage: Uh huh.
Betsy Sandler: And when they’re going bald, youknow?
Eve Beverage: Uh huh.
Betsy Sandler: And sometimes, there’s just hairin the back and they take and they comb it forward?
Eve Beverage: Uh huh.
Betsy Sandler: One – one strand —
Eve Beverage: Yes!
Betsy Sandler: — comes over the top like astripe – it looks like a stripe!
Eve Beverage: Yes! Yes!
Betsy Sandler: [laughs, suddenly serious, intocamera] Well, you know you do it, honey! Youknow you do.
Edna Woman: I – I think that biggest men’sproblem is that we can always do it – and they can’t.I mean, we can even do it when we’re dead.
Eve Beverage: Maybe, maybe. Now, why don’t wego to the Beef Box for some questions? [pointsaggressively] You!
First Questioner: [in the audience, at amicrophone] What about lesbianism?
Eve Beverage: [sharply] What about it? Nextquestion.
Second Questioner: [clutching her purse] Keepup the good work! Do any of you fool around?
Eve Beverage: Ahh!
Betsy Sandler: Oh, uh, me! [raises her hand]Um, I’m having an affair with this really great guywho I met totally by accident. I’m sorry,Peter.
Patsy Carlson: [laughs, then mangles her line]At least, she heard it from you, Peter! [having blownthe joke, puts hand to her face and shakes her head inamused embarrassment]
Eve Beverage: Well, we’re running out of timebut, clearly, not out of men’s problems. Thank you forwatching and I hope we’ve helped some of you men outthere. See ya next week.
[Applause, music: “Stand By Your Man” which drowns outsome of the following:]
Edna Woman: No! I didn’t get to my list –there’s war, rape, bad aim, [?], dingleberries, dirtymovies, [?], hair on the chest–
[SUPER: MEN’S PROBLEMS. Pull back, fadeaway.]