Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 15
Margo Kidder’s Monologue
Audience Member…..Jim Downey
Medical Squad #1…..Tom Davis
Medical Squad #1…..Brian Doyle-Murray
Margot Kidder: Hi! [ audience cheers loudly ] Thank you! Thank you! Wow! Happy St. Patrick’s Day! [ audience goes crazy with applause ] Boy, thanks! It’s, uh.. it’s.. really a double treat for me to be here tonight, hosting “Saturday Night Live” because, uh.. it’s St. Patrick’s Day, and, uh.. y-y-you, uh.. New Yorkers are right out of your minds, I gotta tell ya! [ audience applauds themselves for being out of their minds ] I mean, this city was one big party today! It actually made the Mardi Gras look like a wake! I mean, the parade was terrific, everybody’s drunk in all the bars..[ the camera angle begins to droop to the floor, unbeknownst to Kidder, as only her feet are visible ]
Margot Kidder: ..But I-I sort of.. I guess it’s the luck of the Irish, uh.. I feel proud to be Irish..[ the feet of Gilda Radner’s steps up to Margot Kidder’s feet ]
Gilda Radner: Margo..
Margot Kidder: Hi! Gilda, what are you doing here? Are we on the air?
Gilda Radner: Uh.. yeah.. well, we’re sorta half on the air..
Margot Kidder: Well, what do you mean half on..?
Gilda Radner: Wait, just come down here.. look for a second..[ both women lean on the knees on the floor, and stare perplexed at the camera ]
Margot Kidder: Ohhh.. oh, I see what you mean. Gilda, what’s going on?
Gilda Radner: Oh, nothing! It’s no problem at all! It’s just this time of year, you know? St. Patrick’s Day. Most of the.. most of the crew’s Irish, and, uh..
Margot Kidder: Ohhhhh..
Gilda Radner: Look, there’s nothing to worry about.. We can- Just follow me, okay? We’ll go away to the control booth and see.
Margot Kidder: Okay, okay..
Gilda Radner: It’s nothing to worry about at all – technically. It’s live TV! It’s spontaneous! Things happen all the time![ an audience member rises from his seat, stopping Gilda and Margot in their tracks ]
Audience Member: Eh-excuse me, Miss kidder?
Gilda Radner: Wait, you shouldn’t be bothering her..
Margot Kidder: No, it’s okay.. it’s okay.
Audience Member: Yeah, I-I saw you in “Superman”, and I thought you were just great.
Margot Kidder: Oh, thank you!
Audience Member: I have this bet with a friend – is it true you only use 10% of your brain?
Margot Kidder: Uh.. y-yes.. I guess that’s true..
Gilda Radner: Could you please sit down! The audience is not supposed to ask questions of the host! [ Gilda pushes the audience member back to his seat, as she and Margot continue their walk to the control room ] You know, last week we had a horse, and he kepy walking around.. but we have the best director – Dave Wilson – and he can handle anything! There’s nothing to wory about!
Margot Kidder: Do these technical problems happen all the time?
Gilda Radner: Oh, sure! All the time! Didn’t you see “Hello, Larry” on NBC?[ in the control room at last, they find the control drunk off their asses, singing and chanting merrily with glasses raised high ]
Gilda Radner: Excuse me! Excuse me! [ notices director Dave Wilson collapsing to the floor, as assistant director Pete Fatovich tries to lift him back into his seat ] Oh, no! Oh, no! Pete! Pete! Peeeeete!
Pete Fatovich: Whaaat??!
Gilda Radner: When did- When did-
Pete Fatovich: It’s alright, it’s gonna be alright..
Gilda Radner: When did Dave-
Pete Fatovich: Last week! About halfway through the Gary Busey show!
Gilda Radner: Oh, no..
Pete Fatovich: Don’t worry! Don’t worry! It’s gonna be alright.
Gilda Radner: Margo, this is Dave Wilson..
Dave Wilson: [ groggily ] Right here, hello!
Margot Kidder: Where’s Lorne?
Gilda Radner: Lorne?
Margot Kidder: Lorne.. Lorne told me if I had a problem, I could go right to him.
Gilda Radner: Well, he’s doing an interview now, I don’t know if we could- [ looks to the back and notices Lorne at hisi nterview ] Wait! Back there! Come here, come here.. [ leads Margot to the back room ] [ camera pans over to a glass wall, where Lorne Michaels can be seen conducting an interview in an interior office ]
Lorne Michaels: Politics is always a possibility.. I mean, let’s face it, being a producer is like being a senator-[ Gilda and Margot enter the office to interrupt Lorne ]
Margo Kidder: Lorne? Um..
Lorne Michaels: Yeah? Sorry.
Gilda Radner: Um.. Lorne? Did you see Davey? Did you see Davey?
Lorne Michaels: Yeah, it’s alright – the medical squad is on its way down. They’ve already-
Gilda Radner: Oh! So there’s nothing to worry about!
Lorne Michaels: There’s really nothing to worry about. They’ll be here in a minute or two – it happens every day..
Gilda Radner: It’s okay, Margot.. come on, we’ll go back.[ Gilda and Margo leave the office, as the camera pans back to the out-of-control control area, a medical squad already on the scene to revive Dave Wilson ]
Gilda Radner: Oh, look.. is he gonna be alright?
Medical Squad #1: He’ll be alright.. he’ll be alright.. Every year it’s like this, every year..
Gilda Radner: Okay, okay..
Medical Squad #1: David Brinkley passed out on Segment Three!
Gilda Radner: Yeah, okay. Everything’s going to be alright, Margo.
Margo Kidder: He looks real efficient.
Gilda Radner: Oh, he’s the best director in the world! [ to the medical squad ] Pour some water on him! [ the medical squad splashes water on Dave’s face ] Good!
Dave Wilson: [ groggy, but coming back into his own ] “Live! From New York..!”
Gilda Radner: No, Dave! No! Dave! Dave, this is-
Pete Fatovich: We did that already!
Medical Squad #1: Sit him up! Sit him up! Come on! Come on!
Gilda Radner: No, no! Davey! Davey, listen to me! This is Margo Kidder! She’s hosting this week’s show! [ to Margo ] It’s Dave Wilson, our director.
Dave Wilson: Jean..? How are ya..? Nice to meet you..?
Margo Kidder: Margo! Margo!
Dave Wilson: Mar-go..
Margo Kidder: Yeah!
Dave Wilson: I’ll tell you what – take her out there, let’s start again from the top..
Gilda Radner: Alright! come on, Margo, come on.. yeah, we’re going.[ Gilda and Margo hurry out of the control room ]
Dave Wilson: Stand by!
Pete Fatovich: Roll the tape, Dave?
Dave Wilson: Run it!
Pete Fatovich: Yeah, alright.. Three! Two! O-one..[ dissolve to fake commercial for The Navy Adventure ]