Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 15
The Mr. Bill Show
[ open on title card ]
Mr. Hands V/O: Hey, kids! It’s time for “The Mr. Bill Show”![ title card lifts to reveal Mr. Hands searching for Mr. Bill ]
Mr. Hands: Mr. Bill? Say, Mr. Bill, where are you? We’re supposed to go bowling today, remember? [ picks up a note ] Hmm.. a note..
Mr. Bill V/O: “Dear, Mr. Hands: Went shopping, be back later.”
Mr. Hands: Oh, well. Maybe I’ll stop by later.[ Mr. Hands exits, as the camera moves in on the closet door ]
Mr. Bill: Psst! Hey, kids! It’s me, Mr. Bill! No, over here. Yeah! I’m hiding in the closet. Ohhhhh, I’m sorry I had to tell a fib.. but I didn’t want Mr. Hands to know where me and Spot are. you know, I’m beginning to wnder if we’re very safe around him any more. I-I’m even beginning to think that he likes Mr. Sluggo better than he likes me, because he always let’s him pick on me! And the mean things he does to poor little Spot. You know, it gets me mad sometimes! And then, today, Mr. Hands says he wanted us to go “bowling” with him? Well, you know, I think that we’d be a lot safer hiding in here. So, kids, I hope you’re ready to have fun today! Because we’re all gonna play in the closet! Yaaaaaayyy!! Now.. [ the sound of the front door opwening and closing is heard ] Uh-oh! Uh-oh, Mr. Hands is home. Don’t cry, we’ll be safe here.
Mr. Hands: Say, Mr. Bill, I’m back? Where are ya?
Mr. Bill’s Voice: Shhhhhhh!!
Mr. Hands: Gee.. I just can’t imagine where he could be. It just isn’t like Mr. Bill. Oh, well.. Since I’m here, I might as well return his bowling ball. I’ll put it in the closet. It’s good to return borrowed things properly.[ Mr. Hands drops the bowling ball into the lcoset, which lands directly in Mr. Bill’s head ]
Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhhh!!
Mr. Hands: Bye-bye![ title card drops, to fade ]